February 14, 2007



Okay so I know I've said it about a jillion times (say in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006) but I'm pretty unromantic about this holiday. There's no bitterness, though that 2002 post seems to suggest otherwise, and my last several ones have been great. I just don't really like the holiday. It's very contrived. Of course this could just be residual skepticism stemming from the fact that one of my exes gave me flowers once every year. Every Valentine's Day, I'd get a huge bouquet of red roses. I don't even like red roses. Fellas, here's a word of advice: Find out what freaking type of flowers she likes beforehand. "It's all about the effort to output ratio." A little recon can go a long way. Red roses and I may or may not put out. Orange tulips and the clothes are hitting the floor.

So in the past I've written crappy poetry:

For Geo

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like your penis
(and you too)

And failed greeting cards:

I gave you some candy and flowers in a vase
Now can I please jizz on your face??

Thanks for the sweater.
A blowjob woulda been better.

And now I may be out of ideas. Someone mentioned haikus, but let's face it, I'm not artistic enough for haiku. I read them and go "What the fuck does that even mean?" My Valentine's Day haikus would look like this though:

Here are red roses
Again on my desk. Hate them.
Valentine's vomit

The Olive Garden
300 heads, 12 tables
Need firearms. Now.

Lingerie and chocolate
Is interesting
Nintendo Wii, sublime.

Lights flashing
The Jumbotron Proposal
Tackiness abounds!

Are those haikus? Who fucking knows. Feel free to add your own. Happy Valentine's Day people.

10:00 p.m. edit: Okay, I changed my mind. I like this holiday. Geo made King crab legs, salmon stuffed with spinach, crab cakes and steamed cauliflower, green beans and asparagus. That would make love Arbor Day.

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