August 18, 2004

Interviews That Would Be Fun To See On TV

Interviews That Would Be Fun To See On TV

Reporter: So you guys are here at the Olympics, a great experience, does it feel like everything you've ever dreamed of?
Courtney Kupets: No you stupid bitch, who dreams about second place? It feels shitty. It feels like someone buttfucked me without the courtesy of lubricant. I've got this worthless piece of crap around my neck and yet I'm supposed to smile about it and pretend it's the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Reporter: You were expected to take the gold, what happened out there?
Carly Patterson: What do you think happened out there you walking dildo? What happened out there is that we blew. Hard. They didn't. Now we have to watch those snooty, genetically-engineered Romanians prance around for the next four years like little elves on crack.
Reporter: What do you think the problem was, were you nervous?
Carly Patterson: The problem was people like you motherfuckers, telling everyone who would listen that we were expected to win gold and nothing else was good enough.
Reporter: Is there anything good that came out of tonight at all?
Carly Patterson: Well at least that whorebag Svetlana Khorkina and her comrades didn't take the gold. I would have had to kill myself.
Reporter: So you don't feel very good about your performance?
Courtney Kupets: No, I don't feel very good about my performance. But I'll tell you what would make me feel a hell of a lot better. What say you hand me that mic and I shove it up your ass as far as it will go, and we continue this interview with my foot?

Reporter: Do you really believe that Kosuke Kitajima cheated your friend Brendan Hansen out of the gold medal with an illegal dolphin kick?
Aaron Peirsol : Yes I do. That skinny little prick pulls that shit all the time. You'd think he wouldn't do it at the Olympics.
Reporter: What do you think the proper course of action should be in this case?
Aaron Peirsol: I think the proper course of action is that if I see him on a dark Athens street, we're going to play a little game I call "The Enola Gay Flies Over Hiroshima."
Reporter: Don't you think that's a little inappropriate?
Kosuke Kitajima: mmmphuki smfffpphhhsake
Aaron Peirsol: What did he say?
Translator: He said "Bite me you big-nosed American fairy. I have to go polish my gold medal now."

Reporter: Coach Rudic, do you really think the water polo being played here at the Olympics is a lot more violent than years past?
Ratko Rudic: Yes I do, and I'll tell you why that is.
Reporter: Why is that?
Ratko Rudic: It's because they let all these Soviet satellite nations in under their own pseudo-countries. Kazakhstan for crying out loud. Everyone knows they are a violent people by nature. Didn't anyone on the Olympic Committee watch Air Force One?? They hijacked the President's plane for God's sake. Of course they wouldn't hesitate to throw elbows like it's nobody's business.
Jeff Powers: That Artemiy Sevostyanov guy and I need to take it outside. I'll show them what we do to people that hijack the President's plane.

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