Penthouse Forum

Penthouse Forum

So last night after the girls went to sleep, Geo and I cleaned the bedroom because we were having a BBQ on Saturday and Tony was sleeping over. Actually, it really was a one person job but I'm not ashamed to admit that sometimes I can be a scaredy cat about being in our bedroom alone at 2am. Hey, it's all the way at the other end of the house. By the time Geo gets there, supernatural things might have already scared the bejeezus out of me. And nobody likes to have the bejeezus scared out of them. It's not a very pleasant experience. It kind of feels like someone rammed their hand down your throat and retrieved your dinner.

So while I cleaned, Geo decided to read one of my Penthouse Forum books to pass away the time. He complained about the actual reading a bit, he's not a big fan of books. And to be honest, you would think that people who write to Penthouse would write in an elementary fashion, but some of them actually try to be eloquent with their crudeness. When I first read the magazine I thought it was going to be like "See Dick. See Dick fuck Jane. See Dick fuck Jane while Spot watches." But they're actually not like that. Well not ALL of them.

The stories where the writers act like they're trying to win the Pulitzer are pretty amusing, especially when they start running out of euphemisms for body parts or start trying to draw bizarre analogies. Every so often Geo would read aloud choice phrases that he found funny:

Geo: "And then I sank my raging cock into the warmth of her wetness."
Me: What constitutes "raging"? Like the guy is REALLY mad?
Geo: I don't know.
Me: And what's the difference between a "raging" cock and a cock that is "only slightly aggravated?"

Geo: "Her nipples were harder than cherry stones."
Me: What are cherry stones?
Geo: I don't know. But I'm thinking they're hard.

Geo: "I slipped my engorged prick between the lips of her velvet love canal."
Me: It's hard to take someone seriously who refers to his penis as a "prick." By definition, something with the ability to prick has to be pretty small.

Geo: What's "Different Strokes?"
Me: The kinky shit.
Geo: "Forget Coke and Pepsi, spunk's the choice of the new generation." Spunk??
Me Spunk... It's what's for dinner.
Geo:: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Geo: "Her skill with a stick gets her three balls in her corner pocket." What does that mean, that she's banging three guys?
Me: I guess that's what they meant. But really what that sentence means is that it's two guys, one of whom only has one ball. Now they're just reaching for titles.

Me: Has anyone used the word "porked" yet?
Geo: Nope.
Me: Are you disappointed?
Geo: No, that's my word. They're not allowed to use it.
Me: What, like you have a trademark on it? How would they use it anyway... "And then I porked her. I porked her like she's never been porked before."

At that point I treated Geo to a few lines of the classic hit "Whole Lotta Porkin Goin On" complete with vulgar dance moves. Okay, I just sang that one line over and over and shook my hips a little. It's hard to be lyrically creative at 2:40 am.

Geo: Yo, this one story is mad short.
Me: Oh I hate those.
Geo: It's only a page and a quarter long. It's like "There was this guy--"
Me: "And he just stuck it in then bounced. And his name was George."
Geo: "And while he was walking out the door he was saying to himself "stick and move, stick and move."

Me: You should read the sex scenes in a trashy romance novel. They can't be nasty so their euphemisms are more creative. Like, "he slid his silken manhood into her moist portal."
Geo: Moist port hole.
Me: Not "port hole." PORTAL.
Geo: Sorry. You know navy guys. Always thinking about getting to the nearest port and climbing into a hole.

Tonight in the car, we were telling Tony about our conversation. And Tony busts out with "And then I thrust my throbbing member into her vaginal cavity." Just kidding, he didn't say the last part two words. I just added them because I thought they were funny. By the way, Tony knows about throbbing members because his co-worker always has romance novels on her desk, not because he regularly buys books with a half-nekkid Fabio on the cover. Or so he says. This is the first time I'VE ever heard of this alleged "co-worker."