February 4, 2008

 

<

Enough said.

Labels: The.Patriots.Can.Suck.It

Posted by: Riss at 5:03 PM Email This Post --

January 21, 2008

 

OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod THE GIANTS ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyOhmyGod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Riss at 9:13 AM Email This Post --

January 13, 2008

 

Random Stuff Volume 8658456

1. First and foremost, sorry Cowboys. Third time's the charm. Stop crying!!!!! There's no crying in football.

2. There's this thing going around where people take movie titles and add "Between Your Legs" to the end. Kind of like how people read their fortune cookies and add "in bed" to the end. These were the ones that cracked me up:

Finding Nemo Between Your Legs
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Between Your Legs
The Abyss Between Your Legs
The Incredible Hulk Between Your Legs
48 hours Between Your Legs
Free Willy Between Your Legs
40-year-old Virgin Between Your Legs

I would add:

9 1/2 Weeks Between Your Legs
We Were Soldiers Between Your Legs
Outbreak Between Your Legs
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Between Your Legs
Remember the Titans Between Your Legs
The American President Between Your Legs (The Monica Lewinsky story)
Balls of Fury Between Your Legs
Mr. Bean's Holiday Between Your Legs
Open Season Between Your Legs

(Yes, I realize I'm 12.)

3. My house has been the House of Plague all week. We are one snotty tissue away from being quarantined by the CDC. My aunt has the flu, my daughters had the flu and now colds, Geo was sniffing suspiciously and my mom has a cold, the flu and conjunctivitis. I have been downing Airborne like a cheerleader downing Bud Lights on prom night. Walking around the house is like navigating a minefield of germs. I am terrified to touch anything. I wash my hands more compulsively than a guy who got caught jerking off by his mom and grandmother simultaneously.

4. I had a dream the other night that I was getting ready for a christening but kept getting distracted. I was in the middle of yelling at Cliff Claven for breaking my guitar when everyone left without me. All of a sudden I was in some store with Gary Sinise, getting massages from machines but then my machine got a bit frisky and when I looked up it was the blonde chick from CSI. She wanted to make out and I for some reason agreed but told her to please ask her mom to leave. Her mom said "have fun" on her way out. Considerate of her.

5. Yet more graffiti:

Drawn by Maz: I got into a car with some Aussies and said "I'm not riding
bitch" which earned me a whole lot of confused looks. I asked them what
they called it when someone had to sit in the seat in the middle of the
back and they call it sitting in the seat in the middle of the back. Simple.


Drawn by me: One of my co-workers Kelly has this thing her friend made
up in college called being "on tap." For example if someone says something
stupid then they get put on tap and from then on have to tap someone on the
shoulder and request permission to say what they are about to say.
For example, Steve is on stripping at gay bars tap.


Drawn by Stevie D: Bali pointed out to us that in The Sound of Music
there's a scene when Maria runs back to the abbey because she's freaked out
about her feelings for Baron Von Trapp. The Mother Superior walks over to
her and says "Maria, what is it, you can't face" but because of her accent
it sounds like she says...

Labels: random

Posted by: Riss at 11:59 PM Email This Post --

January 6, 2008

 

Top 11 Things I've Learned or Re-learned Going Back to Work

1. Every office still has that one printer that doesn't work. The one that causes you to see red and contemplate an Office Space moment, when it says "Load Letter Tray 2" and you open the drawer and the damn thing is full. As always, that one printer is the one nearest to me.

2. The obligatory sexual harassment training is still hilarious. "Janet is sitting at her desk when her boss Albert unzips his fly and licks her neck. Is Albert sexually harassing Janet or is he just being friendly?"

3. The cost of breakfast AND lunch for one day in Manhattan would feed a small indigenous tribe in Bhutan for three weeks. Oh and the bottom of the bags you get Chipotle take-out in, has a recommendation that you recycle the bag by using it as a cat carrier. Where are we, Taiwan.

4. 3-day-weekends are really short and payday is still the best day ever.

5. If you get to the 14th street PATH station and it's full of white people, pull out your Sony PSP or whatever book you're reading. You just missed the Journal Square train and the next train is going to Hoboken.

6. Some women in the city need to re-evaluate their definition of the phrase "business casual." Here are some tips. Unless you work at Scores, clothing is NOT appropriate for the office if...

-It's transparent.
-It's solid, but has strategically placed holes.
-It glitters.
-The item of clothing in question is not big enough to cover a newborn baby.
-Two words: camel toe
-You wouldn't wear it to church, a decent restaurant or to meet your boyfriend's parents.
-It has the word "fuck" on it. No seriously, I've seen this.

7. In the age of broadband, scanners, PDFs and e-mail... "White Out" still exists.

8. Co-workers still try to make you laugh when you're recording your outgoing voicemail message. "Hi, you've reached Riss. I am away from my desk right now but please lea--- (co-worker walks by and makes an amusing gesture)... CRAP." Yes, please leave crap. Beeeeeep! To save this message, press 1. To re-record, press your mom.

9. Pens are a valuable commodity in offices. Pens are the equivalent of cigarettes in prison. With the right pen, I could get myself lavender post-it notes, access to the good printer and a corner office. And by "corner office" I mean desk in the corner of the office.

10. Happy Hour in Manhattan rocks. During Happy Hour, instead of drinks costing EIGHT times the national average cost of drinks at a bar, drinks only cost FIVE times the national average cost of drinks at a bar.

11. When you've been working for 7 1/2 hours straight, eating lunch at your desk and barely taking the time to use the restroom, your boss will walk by at the exact moment you decide to take a break and poke some of your friends on Facebook.

Labels: humor

Posted by: Riss at 5:00 PM Email This Post --

December 28, 2007

 

Guilt

I am feeling a tad guilty over how much I have neglected this blog. Would you believe, I couldn't even remember my username and password to get into the damn thing to type this.

So, I am declaring here and now, versus there and now or here and later, that I will update this blog once a week in 2008.

Woot!

Okay, so maybe people aren't still ready to forgive the neglect. NotWoot. My first order of business in the coming new year will be to post a "Top 10 Things I've Learned or Re-learned Going Back to Work."

Included on the list will be Number Six, "That the cost of breakfast AND lunch for one day in Manhattan would feed a small indigenous tribe in Bhutan for three weeks."

Posted by: Riss at 11:11 AM Email This Post --

September 23, 2007

 

Top 9 Reasons I Am Glad To Be Gainfully Employed

1. I may no longer feel compelled to write letters of complaint such as:

Dear PSE&G,

I hate you. I hate you and I hope you die.

Love,

Riss

2. Apparently, PSE&G doesn't consider expired Scores (strip joint) Dollars an acceptable form of bill payment.

3. Tired of paying for the #1 Value Meal at McDonald's in coins. The people behind you in the drive-through get kinda mad. And then I have to throw ketchup packets at them.

4. Felt a bit guilty about the fact that I owe my friends a cumulative total of 482,938,697 drinks.

5. Felt a bit guilty about the fact that I owe my friends a cumulative total of about 50,239 meals.

6. It's nice to have a bank balance larger than my shoe size. Incidentally, it's amusing that the bank charges you $35 when your account becomes overdrawn. I didn't have $2 to cover my last transaction. What makes you think I have $35.

7. Now I don't have to use Plan B. Plan A was "Get a job." Plan B was "Slip Stevie three frozen margaritas then sell him at a gay club."

8. The Prada and Ferragamo stores have been sending me handwritten "We miss you, come back" cards for the last five years. Not that I will be having tea with them any time soon, but it's pleasant to have the option.

9. Apparently, eviction is not a very uplifting experience. I've heard it ranks somewhere above "24-hour infomercials" yet below "Having your toenails ripped off then fed to you."

Of course, there is one Top Reason It Sucks To Have a Job:

1. My daughter Angelina walked up to me today and said "Mommy, tomorrow Daddy can go to work and you stay at home with Angelina okay?"

Great, kid. Why don't you just take a knife and stab me in the heart.

Labels: humor

Posted by: Riss at 11:59 PM Email This Post --

September 13, 2007

 

WOOT!

So... I start my new job on Wednesday. WOOT!!

I'm sad and excited about it. I'm excited because the people I interviewed with are pretty darn awesome, yet sad because I am going to miss hanging out every day with the kiddos. As hectic as it is to be a stay-at-home mom, there's something to be said for dressing up as "ninja princesses" and eating Cheetos at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon. Of course, some people will be relieved that I may no longer bust out into random spurts of "Dora Dora Dora the Explorer, Boots is super cool, explore with Dora."

So in the true spirit of my new job, I will write a press release about it.

RISS FINDS A SUPERCOOL NEW JOB
Former Housewife to Return to the Traditional
Workforce This Wednesday

NEW YORK, New York, September 13, 2007 -- Riss (Nasdaq:RZA) announced today that she has been successful in her job hunt. "Them varmints were tricky," the 31-year-old Los Angeles native said, "But in the end my lucky lavender blouse and severed rabbit's foot won the day." She will begin her position as an Account Executive for a Manhattan public relations firm this coming Wednesday, September 19th.

A mother to 4-year-old twin terrors masquerading as angels, Riss was content to stay at home alternately wiping up snot, washing dishes and picking Cheerios out of areas where Cheerios were not meant to be placed. However, financial constraints soon made it apparent that a change of profession would have to take place, and fast. "This was news to me but apparently landlords won't let you live in their buildings for free," Riss said. "And grocery stores actually expect compensation for the food you walk out with. Well, grocery store clerks do. Grocery stores don't expect anything, they're grocery stores."

Though exact figures will remain private, Riss states that her annual salary will be more than what the guy who plays drums on empty paint cans on 31st and 7th makes, but less than Bill Gates.

After graduating from the University of California, Santa Cruz in June of 1997 with a Bachelor's degree in Business Economics, Riss moved to New York and began her career as a PR assistant at the National Basketball Association. Grateful that she managed to retain her sanity throughout 100-hour work weeks, Riss fled the NBA to become the PR Manager for a brokerage. In October 2002, motherhood beckoned. And by beckoned, we mean 'hit her over the head with a bat.' She has been home with her twin daughters ever since.

"It was time for a change and my gut instinct is that this is a good one," Riss said. "The people I'm going to work for saw my blog and Facebook page, yet still want to hire me if you can believe that. Plus, I'm sure playing ninja princesses and eating Cheetos will be just as fun at 7 in the evening as it is at 3 in the afternoon."

Labels: humor, life

Posted by: Riss at 5:19 PM Email This Post --

September 6, 2007

 

The Saga of the Scary Shirts and Elmo's House is Closed

First, I must apologize to everyone for the length of time since my last post. I've gotten some frantic e-mails from people who think I've been hit by a bus. Which makes me laugh because frankly, if I'd been hit by a bus, how would I respond to their e-mails? Actually, if I were a ghost I'd find a way to hop onto the computer. They probably don't have them where I'm going (because the servers need to be kept cool) and I would need to Facebook. By the way, I will respond to all letters, it's just that I've been busy job hunting.

Back to the story. So one Saturday night, Steve, Ray, Matt and I returned to their place slightly inebriated. We somehow got to talking about Steve's rather adventurous wardrobe, and by "talking" I mean that we were pulling shirts out of the closet and groaning things like "No wonder men are always frantically trying to get his shirt off" and "He should give that one to Goodwill. I mean BACK to Goodwill." Eventually the shirts went from hanging smugly in the closet to being a sad, apprehensive pile on the floor. We didn't know what to do with the scary shirts but a few moments of thought reminded us of how Joey on Friends dealt with his fear of the book The Shining and:

And...

You know our lives can't go a week without
being documented on Facebook Graffiti.

Steve's scary shirts stayed in the freezer for a few days, then eventually made their way to the free garage sale Armina held at her house. Some 8-year-old boy tried on one of the particularly unique ones and took it home with him. But then he came back a few minutes later saying his mother made him bring it back. Later on we saw him trying on one of my hoochie tops, that was lined in red faux fur. Luckily, we got him to take it off otherwise his mom might have strangled us over that one.

Geo, Tony and I tried to take the girls to Sesame Place on Tuesday but when we got there it was closed. I felt like that "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" quote:

I was taking my little nephew to Disneyland, but decided to play a mean trick. I pulled up next to an old, burned down warehouse. "Oh no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He started crying, and I was about to tell him it was all a joke and drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting kinda late.

The girls are very unspoiled though and were okay when I told them that Elmo's house burned down, so we would go play at the Discovery Museum instead.

Labels: humor

Posted by: Riss at 10:34 AM Email This Post --