September 13, 2009

 

Bulleted Random Thoughts (I'm Getting Fancy)

• I'm on a virtual diet. A virtual diet is one where you virtually ignore every piece of sound nutrition advice you're given. I'm doing well.
  

• Parenthood is mildly ridiculous. I don't know even iron my own clothes and yet every day I find myself ironing teeny little clothes. It must be some form of karmic kickback because I have always despised ironing. I regularly decide against purchasing clothes that look awesome, but have to be ironed before use.

• The other day, I was on the phone with a client and almost said "Okay I love you, bye" before hanging up the phone. For like the 87th time. I'd start to wonder if I was feeling inappropriate attraction at work except that it's a different client every time, and so really I'm just an idiot.

• Had a dream a few nights ago that I was playing in some NFL PowderPuff tournament, where women play football and the men cheer. I was the quarterback for the women's NY Giants team, which is ridiculous because I'm a receiver. It's not, you know, ridiculous because it's a dream where hundreds of grown women from 32 markets came to a little New England boarding school for weeks to play in a round robin football tournament. So in my dream, a 16-year-old Eli Manning, who was still somehow the QB for the Giants, was training me. I woke up feeling robbed that it wasn't Peyton giving me instruction. In Eli's defense, I did launch a 50-yard pass for a completion in the end zone in the opening drive. THAT'S the defense. Not that, you know, this was just a dream. Incidentally, I used to be able to throw a pretty tight spiral but that was awhile ago.

• The Roman Catholic Church is encouraging people to pray before sex. I'm not certain, as usual, that they've considered the repercussions of this edict, in terms of abuse. Somewhere above the international space station, but before the sun, God is sitting on a smooshy couch trying to think about baseball from all the dirty thoughts He's suddenly being inundated with.
  

• I've been lecturing my kids on the dangers of becoming a stereotype but they don't seem to be processing the gist of my concern. Oh well, they do look cute in their Hello Kitty shirts. When they're older they'll learn how to pretend not to speak English so they can avoid having to speak to annoying people.
  

• A few weeks ago, some friends and I went to Atlantic City for my friend James' 30th birthday celebration. After a long night of karaoke and drinks (of course), they suggested that we take a walk on the beach. I'm tempted to veto the idea because it's like 4:30 in the morning, and we're all in our nice evening clothes, and sand is the tool of Satan, however I acquiesce. Which, in retrospect, I really should have known that by "taking a walk on the beach" Steve meant "bodyslam and rugby hit you guys one after the other into the freezing cold water." Afterwards, Ashley and I had to walk the entire length of the Atlantic City boardwalk since there was no way a cab would pick us up. Oddly enough, we were fairly popular with the men strolling on the boardwalk, who apparently thought that being dripping wet, caked in sand, and smelling like rotting fish ass on a hot day would act as some sort of experiential aphrodisiac.
  

Posted by: Riss at 10:13 AM Email This Post --