Sunlight Prevents Hairy Palms
So how about... I was walking on 8th Avenue on Saturday morning and it was a beautiful, sunshiney day. There were hundreds of people around; tourists out to fill the day with as many activities as possible, early birds grabbing a bagel or an egg white omelet, bleary-eyed clubgoers doing the walk of shame while cursing that last shot of generic tequila served in a Patron bottle.
I was striding along, complaining to myself about having to be up so early on the one day I get to sleep past 7, when it occurred to me that there was only one other person on the block. And that one person was directly in front of me, standing outside of a closed bikini bar. And his pants and underwear were down around his knees. And his shirt was lifted up. And his hand was... busy.
About a jillion thoughts raced through my head "What the f*ck. Am I seeing this? This isn't real. Are you kidding me? It's 9:45 in the morning on 8th Avenue for God's sake. I'd understand if it were 3 a.m. on Avenue C or something. It's shady in the East Village. The bikini bar is closed, what is he even looking at? Wait no, don't check. Don't take your eye off him. Focus. FOCUS!! Dammit you're still walking and he's like 4 feet away now. Move. Move!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!"
I veered to my right into the street, somehow having the presence of mind to avoid oncoming vehicles, just in time to put a car between us as I passed him. The idiot thing was, I wasn't even considering being attacked-- I just didn't want to get hit by any projectiles. Hey, it was a new dress. Who wants to be all Monica Lewinsky with a homeless guy on Saturday morning. A group of people approached the block then and I was still in a bit of a shock, and couldn't wrap my brain around a warning in time. What would I have said anyway, "Hey wuh uhh guy there... sperm."
I called my girl Kelly afterwards and she just laughed hysterically and said "This stuff only happens to you. The only time it would ever happen to me is if I was standing right next to you."