Adult Time

Adult Time

Ever since Geo started working at his new job in October, he's encouraged me to go out at least once on weekends, for some "adult time." No that's not some catch phrase for swinging. Whether it's at the mall, bowling alley or some bar, just a couple hours with people whose poop I don't have to wipe up. I'm with the girls all day and all night, it's exhausting to bring them places without Geo, so the living room is pretty much my whole world. I figured alright, let's do this whole adult time thing. But after some of the adults I met last night, I'm starting to re-think the wisdom of that. Plus even though I stay home with them, I'm starting to feel like That Mom Chris Rock Talks About. You know the one "Go home and take care of them kids before they rob me in 10 years." Then again, I could use a little money, and who would ever suspect cute little 1-year-old pickpockets.

I was craving Indian food all day long, until the craving had reached astronomical proportions by evening. So I begged and pleaded with Aud and Mike J to skip out on their unromantic nondate and eat Indian food with me. They are great and wonderful friends so they agreed.

After dinner, we headed over to The Bike Club, which is closing in two weeks much to the sadness of Mike's fireman brethren. To maximize our potential for a good night, we called up our friend Pam to meet us over there, despite the fact that she loathes the place. I have to admit it's a pretty skeevy dump of a place, but it attracts the kind of clientele that always makes you stare in horrified fascination. Prior to actually entering the bar though, we stopped by Mike's firehouse to give Aud a tour. I had already peed there numerous times, so I didn't need one. But it was fun to inspect the rig and play dress up with Mike's heavy ass gear and helmet. No, his REAL actual helmet. Perverts.

What else.... oh yes. There was betting. Some highlights from The Bike:

1. Aud broke her chair. She was just sitting in it and all of a sudden some random U-shaped piece of wood fell from it with a clatter. The busboy came over to inspect it, followed by another, then eventually the manager came over and instructed them to replace the chair. There was this bizarre moment where for some reason, I genuinely thought they were going to try and make Aud pay for it. They made a really big deal out of a piece of wood that seemed to serve no real purpose on the chair.

2. Some guy approached Aud and asked her for her hat. Apparently he had made a bet with his friends that he could get it off her head. True to form, Aud was being stubborn about it because she wasn't about to help some random guy win a bet when there was nothing in it for her. I walked up while he was still trying to convince her and in a friendly fashion asked what they were discussing. He explained and Aud said once again "Yeah but, what's in it for me?" So I joked around "Yeah, what's in it for us?" But the guy was apparently not in the mood to joke, after being jerked around by Aud, and he sniped "Stay out of this, this is between me and her." I laughed at that point and replied "You just fucked yourself there buddy. She might have eventually given you the hat but now that you disrespected her friend that's not gonna happen." He got even more pissed and started accusing Aud of listening to her friends too much, as if I was forcing her not to do it. She tried to explain to him that if anything, I would have told her to do it but now it was too late becuase he pissed us off. Pam walked up at that point and told him to go away. He told Aud he was a businessman which she scoffed at. Then he told his friends we didn't know he was an attorney, which I scoffed at. We found out from Mike J that he was really a cop from some random town in North Jersey and that it was his birthday. Poor guy. We ruined his birthday. I am so trying not to snicker while I type that. He tried to take a chair from next to Aud and accidentally brushed against her and she screamed at him. I actually had to pretend to pull her away.

3. One of Mike's friends grabbed my ass. I turned around and yelled "Did you just touch my ass" in the tone of voice someone else might say "Did you just kick that newborn puppy??" Everyone stared at him and he was like "Ummm... no." But he knows he did it and I know it and I'm pretty sure everyone else knew it too.

4. Some older guy sang the karaoke song I always sing, "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick. I was of course, bitching about his nerve in thinking that any other person in that bar was allowed to sing *my* song, when Mike offered me $20 to go up there and start singing with him. I said no, because the guy was like 20 years older than me and I'd feel kind of bad if he got all sad that I did that. Mike went all the way to $100 and still I wouldn't do it. Then he said "$40 and 4 Care Bears." Fuck. There went my morality, right out the bar window. I ran over there as fast as I could, to get there before the last two choruses, agilely dodging white-people-for-some-reason-freaking-to-Cheap-Trick left and right. I am a Care Bear Whore.

5. When Mike J gets buzzed, he likes to make fun of the way other white people dance by mimicking them. But he gets really into it and you can tell that he secretly loves doing it. It's okay Mike, "No worries."

6. I slip into gold digger mode at bars. I didn't used to when I was gainfully employed, but raising twins doesn't pay much these days. In fact, it pays nothing. At the end of the night I wanted a shot and Mike said he'd do one too but he only had 13 dollars. I was like "You have only thirteen dollars" because he rarely has that little money on him. But then I realized that, DUH, he'd been buying me, Aud and Pam drinks all night long. He blew a hundred dollars. And even though we're all fairly hot, it's still a bit much. I hope Aud gave him a blowjob in the parking lot or something. At least a handjob. She'll probably think it's unfair that she has to put out for our excesses, but she's the only one of us who's single. Pam has a man and I'm married. So by default, Aud is the one that has to take one for the team (literally) and give up a little so she and her friends can have free drinks. By the way, I hope people realize I'm joking. I don't really advocate trading sex for drinks. I advocate trading sex for FOOD, remember?

Good times.