January 20, 2005

Inauguration Day

Inauguration Day

It crossed my mind that Bush's Inauguration Day might be the perfect time for a serious post. But then I thought about all those would-be political bloggers out there, furiously channeling Maureen Dowd right about now and decided against it. I mean I can throw up a serious post any old time. But this is the perfect day for them to whine and I don't want to detract from that. Plus you know, why actually analyze anything when you can just sit back and snark. So it'll be business as usual here at the worm-less Tequila factory.

1. The chick in the green scully that was standing behind the singers was annoying the crap out of me. How the heck did they choose the people behind the performers' mic? She looked like that person in Fat Albert who wears the huge scully pulled over his face.

2. Why do so many random people have to accompany the President and his family? Is it so if there's an assassination attempt, the shooter will hit Random Event Organizer #3 instead? Like I understand why the Senate Majority Leader should be there etc, but why is the party planner there? Shouldn't that person be in the back, making sure there's enough eclairs in the reception hall? And didn't whoever come up with the word "assassination" giggle himself into a frenzy over it? I mean it has the word "ass" in it twice, ass-to-ass.

3. Orrin Hatch and John Ashcroft write songs? Next you'll be telling me that Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleeza Rice do the lambada at State dinners.

4. Why were the Carters in the procession but the Clintons weren't? Is that standard procedure? Probably Hilary instructed the hubs to refuse. There's definitely some residual panty bunching from Election '04.

5. It must suck to be John Kerry today. I would pay good money to get a transcript of this thoughts. Of course, I'd have to get someone to filter out all the obscenities as to not offend my delicate sensibilities. Excuse me, I meant my delicate fucking sensibilities.

6. I actually like seeing the Washington glitterati more than the Hollywood glitterati. The Hollywood ones are just rich and attractive. The Washington ones are rich and POWERFUL. So much more interesting. Of course, Governor Schwarzenegger gets to be both. They panned the crowds and it was a sea of dark colors, and one chick wearing a light pink hat and scarf. I wonder if the people around her pointed at her and made fun.

7. Hey, Asian people and "Hispanic" people vote too you know. Why the hell aren't we up on that stage singing shit to the white congresspeople?? Even tokenism has a glass ceiling (you filthy fucking Inauguration Committee bastards.)

8. Chief Justice Rehnquist got some extended applause because people figured that was the last time they'd see him in a formal capacity I guess. Is there some ceremony when a member of the Supreme Court retires? That is going to be one nasty battle when his replacement seeks confirmation. I sincerely hope that Bush doesn't get too greedy and selects someone some liberals are at least willing to consider supporting. I hate filibusters. It's idiotic that they even exist in our legislative system.

9. It must be pretty cool to have "Hail To the Chief" played whenever you walk into a room formally. It'd be even cooler if they did it when you walked into a room even informally. Like you go into the restroom to take a piss and a guy is standing in the shower playing the trumpet.

10. I want to be a speechwriter. Well not really, but it's one of those jobs you dream about having but never actually want. Trying to figure out how someone else can give the next Gettysburg Address must be so stressful yet so rewarding once they're actually up there speaking. "Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self." Nice. Is that a quote from somewhere or did his speechwriter come up with that one? I liked it but let's face it, accountability for one's actions isn't exactly a popular theme is it? You know, child molesters should be excused if they were molested as children and all that crap. Wait, I'm on the precipice of a spiel. Let me move on.

11. "Even the unwanted have worth..." Uh-oh. Pro-choice activists are cringing over that one and polishing off their marching shoes. "America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude.." Some guy somewhere in the world just made arrangements to move his peasant harem of prepubescent girls to an undisclosed location. "And all the allies of the United States can know: we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help." Our allies just went "Fuck, I thought we were done after this shit."

12. To sum up, the speech said "Lay off me bitches, I told you this shit was going to take awhile, you need-to-be-instantly-gratified motherfuckers. And all you fuckers out there who keep messing with my peoples, I'm coming. And hell's coming with me!!" Oh sorry. That wasn't his speech. That was Wyatt Earp giving a warning to one of the cowboys in Tombstone. So we're going to start abolishing all tyranny in the world huh. Let me just write that down on my calendar. I don't know, that speech worked for Harrison Ford in Air Force One but that was just a movie. And they hijacked his plane afterwards. I'm telling you, these satelite Soviet nations are tricksy. Seriously though, my analysis of the viability of the President's plan has no place here. That's a whole other really fricken long post.

13. The reverend's final prayer cracked me up. I laughed out loud when he mentioned "political pettiness" and was wishing they would pan over members of our Congress in the crowd. And the "clean hearts, clean agendas and clean financial statements" was hysterical. Good luck on that. The 25-year-old janitor down the street doesn't even have clean financial statements.

14. To close the ceremony, Ed Norton/Payton Manning sang the "Star-Spangled Banner" while in military dress uniform. Afterwards he threw a Hail Mary into the crowd, while yelling "RULE NUMBER ONE OF INAUGURATION: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT INAUGURATION!!"

15. So if I were to attend the Inaugural Ball, I'd wear something like the lime satin dress in Valentino's spring collection. But in a different color. No, not lilac. Perhaps a deep lavender. See, I'm not *so* predicatable.

No comments: