Exit Stage Left

Exit Stage Left

So I went to me and Lani's "favorite" club last night Exit. I say "favorite" because we actually despise the place. But I went last night because my girl Nadia was performing. So we get there and I'm bored so Mike, Ox and I do shots of Blackhaus and I get nice and toasty. We're standing by the bar people-watching and some girl walks up to me and starts talking shit. I tell her I have no idea what the hell she's saying and turn around. She pushes me and being that it's hard to balance yourself when you're wearing strappy stiletto shoes and a tight minidress (yeah I skanked it out for the occasion) I end up tripping over peoples' feet and falling down. She gets up in my face and throws two punches, neither of which connect (I always let people hit first, then they can't file assault charges). So after she punches my hair and grazes my ear, I pull her down to me and deck her in the face. So bouncers come running over and they direct her back towards the dance floor and then try and kick ME out.

Can you believe THAT shit?????? So I start bitching out the bouncers and I tell them there are like 300 people in there that saw her throw the first punch. And he's like "Yeah but she's the one bleeding. She says you broke her nose." I was like "Duh, have you ever seen what it looks like when you break someone's nose? Blood everywhere...she's already wiped that shit up the fucking liar." Anyway long story short, they didn't kick us out they just relocated us across the club. Mainly because the friends I was with were cops and I pointed out there was a whole lot of underage drug use and drinking going on. I remember certain things that happened after the fight, but I don't remember in what sequence they occurred.

Some of what I remember:

a) I went back and talked to some guy who's a producer for that show "Change of Heart." He wants me to pick a friend and go on the show because I'm so "exotic-looking." He also asked "What are you?" (Which people who've read my gripelist know annoys the hell out of me) But I was nice to him because he works for a company owned by Warner Bros and I may need a job soon.
b) I went backstage to go talk to Nadia and she was laughing at me for almost getting kicked out of yet another club.
c) The two bouncers who guard the VIP area (one of whom looked exactly like Michael Rappaport who I love) told me they saw the whole thing and it wasn't my fault but that the bouncers who handled it reacted that way because they were afraid of lawsuits. I told them to do their research before spouting such drivel, that girl can't sue me or the club for assault because SHE assaulted ME when she pushed me while my back was turned, then threw the first punch.
d) Nadia's show was really good, but the other stage personalities I saw were a bit boring. (Except the emcee in the beginning who made girls come onto the stage then strip naked and shake their stuff. He was chanting "Take it off" while Mike was yelling "Keep it on!!" right next to me.)

I know some of you are wondering about the "yet another club" remark I made up there. I got kicked out of Limelight two years ago but that one was a little less "not my fault" than this time...it was partly my fault because I have an intolerance for stupidity. So me and Jeselle go to Limelight and after a double-shot of tequila she gets WASTED. PLASTERED. DRUNK OFF HER ASS. Some guy tries to lead her away from me and I follow him and grab her and ask what the fuck he's doing. He tells me she was getting sick on the dance floor so he's taking her to the bathroom. I was like um thanks but I'll take it from here.

So we go into the bathroom which anyone who's ever been to Limelight knows is unisex. Men and women peeing, shitting and vomiting together....what more could you want from a social excursion. Anyway, I wrestle Jeselle into the stall then go and sit down. There are only about 4 stalls so after 10 minutes it occurs to me that the other 3 have a steady stream of people moving in and out of them but Jeselle's stall is curiously inactive. I knock on the door and when she opens it I see that she's been sitting on the toilet, passed out. So I tell her she can't sleep there because people are waiting to use the toilet. She doesn't even open her eyes. So I pick her up and carry her out of the stall. Some white girl walks up to me and says "Can't you fucking read the sign? It says "Only one person per stall.'" So my smart ass says "What the fuck did you think I was doing in there, pissing on her? She's drunk, I only went in there to carry her out so other people could use the toilet." Then I prop Jeselle up against the bathroom wall and go to wash my hands.

I get back and see the same girl who will heretofore be known as Dumb Cunt, screaming at Jeselle (who is passed out while standing up and blissfully unaware). So I walk over to her and push her away from Jes and say "What the fuck are you doing? I told you she's drunk. What fucking part of that simple statement didn't you understand??" then I spoke very slowly as if she was an idiot (which she was) "She....can't.....hear....you." So she walks away and then turns back when she hears some guy ask me why she was yelling at me. And I respond "Because she's a dumb cunt." And then I look at her and say "What, are you NOT a dumb cunt?" So she says "You're out of here" because apparently she was a club promoter and club promoters are all-powerful because every night they have the club manager's dick in their mouths.

Dumb Cunt comes back into the now crowded bathroom, points to me and says "There, that's her." And 4 big ass bouncers each take a shoulder or arm to escort my 105 lb self out of the bathroom. I figure I'm getting kicked out anyway so I lunge at her with my fist drawn and the bouncers yank me back and I'm screaming "You're not always going to have your little bouncer friends to protect you. One of these days I'm going to see you on a fucking street corner or in this club or in fucking Starbucks where your skank ass hangs out and I'm going to beat your ass down right there." Long story short, the bouncers push me out some side door through a techno room I didn't even know existed and I bitched at them to get the fucking story before they agree to kick someone out of the club. So then they felt really bad and apologized and then one of them asked me out. Idiots. Then again what the hell was I expecting. If he was a more cerebral person he would be doing something else.

To satisfy your curiousity:

1. No, I never start fights. Dumb shit like this just always seems to happen to me. You'd think this shit would stop happening after high school.That's what I get for going to an 18 and up party....but Nadia was performing in the U.S. for the first time!!
2. No, I am not an (overly) violent person by nature.
3. No, I've never gotten my ass kicked but I'm sure eventually it will happen. Everyone needs a good ass-kicking every once in awhile to keep them grounded.