Date: March 8, 2002
Re: Letters to corporations and countries that have yet to be written
It has come to my attention that you have missed your completion deadline for the Letters Project. The projected date for completion was January 1, 2002 as per your New Years Resolutions. According to our files, the following letters have not yet been sent out:
1. Letter to Kraft subsidiary of the Philip Morris conglomerate asking them to please make the Easy Mac portions larger. The current portion is too small to satisfy anyone other than Kate Moss's appetite, but using two portions is too much cheese for anyone not of the mouse phylum to consume.
2. Letter to Taco Bell corporation asking them to bring back "Pocket Tacos" which consisted of ground beef, sour cream, lettuce, tomotoes, cheese and chili in a pita pocket. Discontinued to my great displeasure in 1992.
3. Letter to Cartoon Network requesting them to buy the rights to the original Transformers series and G.I. Joe. They also need to play more Thundercats, Batman Beyond and Justice League and less "Cow and Chicken" and "Courage the Dumb Dog."
4. Letter to the Bubble Yum Corporation asking them to bring back "Banana Berry Split" bubble gum. Two birds can also be killed with one stone if the Willy Wonka company is cc:ed and ordered to bring back Banana-Strawberry nerds.
5. Letter to Vietnam asking them to open nail salons in the Philippines.
6. Letter to Applebee's to tell them to stop being so cheap and bring back the baby carrots, cauliflower and broccoli side dish.
Please verify that you have not been sitting on your lazy ass all day, by issuing drafts of the aforementioned letters.
Initial work on this project should be commenced immediately.
Apparently I am really behind on all my New Year's Resolutions, not just the letters. I am still smoking (albeit a lot less) and have still not written some type of article to pitch to Maxim. I did however start exercising regularly and cut my intake of red meat, egg yolk and sweets to one consumption per week. But if they bring back Pocket Tacos I may have to up that number a bit.