March 9, 2002

Waiting For Justice League

Waiting For Justice League

Website of the Day: Human For Sale (courtesy of a link from Sandy's site which has got to be one of the most well-designed personal websites I've ever seen).
Apparently I am worth exactly: $2,600,850.00
I assume this value would be higher if I didn't smoke or drink and didn't have cancer running through both sides of my family. I also assume it was my I.Q. that prevented the dollar amount from being $3.23... it certainly wasn't my high school GPA.

George and I were too drunk to leave the apartment last night so my brilliant fucking self decides to get on IRC Dalnet #filipino -- what a big mistake. It's like a whole new world in there. I mean, I IRCed all throughout college but we all had lives outside of it. This dumb chic was freaking out because I was cursing (I know...ME??? Curse??) and she kept saying I needed to watch out or the channel monitors would kick me out and then what would I do. HAHAHAHAHA.... oh my Lord *wipes tears* Funny has hell. "Oh God you're right!! What would happen if I got kicked out of this chat room!! Then what would I do?!?! Oh the horror..." Anyway #filipino is like an accident site... it's freaky and bizarre and you don't really want to see that decapitated body but you still look. I stayed on there for like half an hour out of sheer perversity. It does have some normal people if you wait awhile...but the few times I've gone on there it's usually about 743,654 different people all messaging you "a/s/l" which you all know I LOVE. Some guy I've talked to a few times on there told me he lived in South Carolina so I asked him if he picked corn. He said there was no corn there. I called him a liar because I've seen South Carolina on TV!! There's corn there!! Corn and tobacco!! Wow...add a few distilleries and that's like my idea of heaven.

What should I eat for breakfast? Maybe an egg white with tomatoes and some cantaloupe. Yeah you guys laugh but I've been eating that for breakfast for 4 weeks and combined with a few other changes in my diet (plus hours of torture on my exercise bike) I've actually lost about 6 lbs. I'm 5-3 and 114 now so all I need to do are a jillion crunches. I've found that as much as I loved food before, I don't really miss all the crap I used to eat. I mean it may seem like a life without Haagen Daas Cookies and Cream, Flaming Hot Cheetos, Big Macs and Chili Cheese Fritos is no life at all, but you get used to it. I actually like fish now kind of. Before all I ever ate was tilapia (deep fried then dipped in vinegar and pepper yummmy) but now I can eat all kinds. And baby carrots are pretty neat. You feel a bit weird eating them... like some mommy and daddy carrots are crying over their loss, but they're still pretty neat. You know what, I've been good for awhile. I haven't eaten any garbage since last weekend. I should have some Eggos for breakfast...NO!!! I just want everyone to know that there are easier things than losing weight.

1. Seducing the Pope and convincing him to line dance with transsexuals outside St. Peter's Basilica.
2. Cleaning up a Jersey City landfill with a Dust Buster and three tissues.
3. Arming yourself with a supersoaker and some binoculars, then trying to capture Al Qaeda single-handedly.
4. Nailing jello to the wall.

These are all things easier than losing weight. Wow that looked like a list of deranged tasks for a Hercules of the Twenty-first century. Screw the Gorgons. Everyone knows transsexuals can be a lot more vicious than them. Just go to Limelight during one of their drag queen fashion shows. Incidentally, I can't believe Limelight is closing!! Ahhh the memories... luckily they're opening up another club there. There's nothing quite as unsettling and yet titillating as doing double-shots of tequila, then dancing to "Put It In Your Mouth" in what quite obviously used to be a church. I mean, there are stained glass windows everywhere and the last time we went there, Jeselle passed out in a drunken stupor on a pew. Speaking of Jeselle, I forgot to tell you that Phil has conceded the green thing on Asian peoples' asses argument, after consulting with a few more of his Asian friends.

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