Random Stuff: Chapter 932

Random Stuff: Chapter 932

1. Yes Mike, a football post is coming. REAL football, not that "soccer" thing foreigners like Steve sometimes play. I am approaching the season with my usual tingly excitement, yet it's mixed with some dread as I survey that freaking All-Star team they've put together in the north. When they play Dallas in October I plan to drink an entire 6-pack in one hour, then spend the remainder of the afternoon booing both sides. Who's with me? Kwam? Tony? Abe?

2. Bad Thai cops are now forced to wear Hello Kitty armbands as a mark of shame. Funny as hell. That probably wouldn't work here, they'd just find a way to machofy it (Yes, I realize that's not a word. So sue me.) It could work if you know, Hello Kitty was a man and he was making out with another man.

3. I love news headlines.

Adult Binge Drinkers However, Prefer Chocolate Milk.

4. You know those Yoplait commercials where the women are sitting around saying crap like "This is burning this bridesmaid dress good" blah blah and "I'd like the thank the Academy good" etc. Wouldn't it be fun to see that commercial filmed on the street unscripted? I think in Jersey City you'd hear things like:

"This is sex from someone who isn't a crackho good."
"This is they didn't forget any of your food so you didn't have to go back to the McDonald's drive-through good."
"This is that guy walked by and didn't bum a smoke off me good."
"This is the guy pissing in my front yard is my cousin and not some random crackhead good."
"This is no one has jacked me for my iPod good."
"This is real hotel room and not one of the pay-by-the-hour motels on route 1 and 9 good."
"This is White Castle murder burgers at 3 in the morning while you're still drunk good."
"This is it's not too hot so the smell of landfill isn't very strong good."
"This is the bus actually stopped for me and didn't hit anyone on the way to Journal Square good."
"This is my neighbor actually picked his dog's shit up off my sidewalk good."
"This is police car chasing a drug dealer and my car didn't get hit good."

They probably wouldn't sell too much yogurt though huh.

5. Tony treated us (Thanks Tony!!) to fettucine alfredo, steak gorgonzola alfredo, toasted raviolis, stuffed mushrooms, chicken fingers, garlic breadsticks and salad last night. I think it had to do with this "subliminal" picture message I sent him:

"You are wanting breadsticks..."


Tony is better at graffiti than me.


I have my moments though.

6.Geo and I took the kiddos to a waterpark (Sesame Place) last week for the first time. It was pretty cool, if you can get over the fact that you're being doused with or wading around in water containing the pee of about 5000 children and probably more than a few adults. I got over it pretty fast, 96-degree weather will do that to a person. I felt sorry for the people in the big furry character costumes though. They should get hazard pay, heatstroke is not pleasant. I think I saw Cookie Monster tossing his cookies into Oscar's can.

Random Stuff: Chapter 49,956

Random Stuff: Chapter 49,956

1. So I got derailed and all by the whole hospital thing but we need to get back to business as usual. And by "business as usual" I actually mean "stuff no one but me cares about."

Drawn by Stevie D. It kind of makes me feel like there's
a bus, train or anvil out there with my name on it.

2. Who wants to talk Harry Potter? I thought JK Rowling tied things up pretty nicely. It was bittersweet to read though, like eating the last chocolate in the box. It's still delicious but you're sad that there's none left. I'd put up a more in-depth review but I'm still bummed the series is over. Seven books sounded like a lot when I was reading the first one. Now I feel like someone handed me two potato chips.

3. Back to the Transformers movie, it was enjoyable. I found the "campy" moments that people complained about amusing. It was a cartoon from the 80's, quite possibly the campiest era of our time. Bumblebee was bad ass, I was skeptical when it was announced he would be a Camaro but they really got that off. My one major complaint with the movie was that there were too many humans, not enough actual Transformers and too much love story crap. I understand that they were also targeting people who have never watched the cartoon, but come on. Chip and Spike were helpful and all but it was always Optimus and posse who saved the day. If they'd eliminated the whole bad-guy-secret-sector-turned-good-guy storyline they could have had time to put in Soundwave.

Drawn by the ever talented Ben Lee. I think I'm going to
legally change the girls' names to Rumble and Frenzy.

4. You know what's worse than stepping in a wet spot while wearing socks? When you're walking along unsuspectingly in a public place and your hand brushes up against something sticky and you have no idea what it is. And yet it's all over your hand. Bleh.

5. Birthdays have never bothered me. I'm pretty straight about them, each one marks the passing of another year you didn't accidentally fall off a cliff or get hit by a runaway train. What's not to like? But for some reason, I never want to actually DO anything for my birthday. It feels like I'm embarrassed to celebrate it (which is ludicrous considering I'm a Leo AND self-absorbed enough to blog). My point is, thanks to Geo for Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80's, Tony, Mike and Abel for Starscream, Dance Dance Revolution and the mat, Stevie for the funky fresh Pumas, Mina for the beautiful Lia Sophia bracelet (is a piece of jewelry named "After Party" meant for me or what), Tony for the Patron, my dad for the iPod Video, G for bringing over lots of her infamous carbonara, Matt and Ray for the awesome dinner and wine at Spice Market, the people who sent birthday texts even from Turkey and Australia and Maz for calling me up and going "Whooooo's the birthday girl? Whooooo's the birthday girl??" Ahh fuck, I can't do it justice in words. I should just make a wav file of it. 31 feels good.

Another gem from Ben.

6. For Abel's last birthday me, Geo, Tony, Steve and Mike got him a dragon tattoo from the same guy who did my phoenix. It's pretty damn awesome. I'm excited because he and I have been talking about having matching tattoos for about 12 years. I want to toss a clearer picture on here but I don't have one (*cough*).

6. Yesterday I walked 40 blocks and 8 avenues. In platform heels. Not all at once though. The first 20 blocks and 2 avenues weren't on purpose, I just couldn't seem to get a cab. People were getting cabs behind me, across the street, next to me, but I just kept missing them. After the 20th or so missed cab I decided I was meant to walk. Then me, Ray, Matt and Steve walked back to their place after dinner, 14 blocks and 4 avenues. I think they think they're still in Sydney. I was just trying not to cramp up or get mugged. When we got back to their building, I swayed a bit partly from the wine but mostly from the heels and threw my arm out to brace myself against the wall. Except at the same time, some guy came out of the elevator and I had just blocked his way. He stared at me, I stared at him, Ray, Matt and Steve stared at the both of us and then eventually I realized what I was doing and removed my arm. Later on I said I was just being the Fashion Police, the guy was wearing a purple shirt with flowers AND stripes for God's sake.

Yes, I am New Jersey's answer to Michelangelo.

My 7 Commandments of Sleeping

My 7 Commandments of Sleeping
(As jacked from Elaine)

Thou Shalt Have The Closet Door Closed

I don't exactly buy into the Boogeyman hype, but there's something freaky about waking up in the middle of the night and seeing an open closet door. With a scaly, decayed gray hand creeping around it. And evil, evil red eyes only partially masked by a black hood. I'm just saying.

Thou Shalt Have The Bedroom Door Locked

I'm a pretty light sleeper. If a serial killer has to jimmy the door lock, it would wake me up with enough time to dial 911. I'm just saying.

Thou Shalt Have Fabric Protecting Thine Nether Regions

It's not ass demons that worry me, it's the insects. Our house has these brown ones that look like smaller versions of the shit they pulled out of Neo's stomach in The Matrix. I assume the chances of them crawling into the hoohoo and laying eggs are slim to none, but even the thought of them hanging out there for a bit has me vetoing the whole sleeping naked thing.

Thou Shalt Have Thy Feet Covered With Socks or A Blanket

I absolutely cannot sleep if my feet are bare. Sometimes the blanket is wrapped around my feet just to right above the ankles. Over my socks.

Thou Shalt Check To Make Sure Thine Kids Are Breathing.

Yeah, I know this one is morbid. It's a remnant from when the kiddos were born and had sleep apnea (pauses in breathing while they slept). They were connected to monitors for 6 months, which would beep every time there was a pause in breathing. The monitors were very sensitive and easily dislodged, so they went off about once an hour, which would send me flying to check on them from my pad on the floor two feet away. Once they no longer officially needed the monitors, I would obsessively check to make sure they were breathing 7 or 8 times each night. Now I limit myself to one or two times, right before I go to sleep.

Thou Shalt Have The Windows Closed

Even if I lived on the 16th floor, thus effectively removing all chances of serial killers climbing through the windows, I'd still need to have them closed. Regardless of the temperature outside, whether it's 30 degrees or 90, I get sick when I sleep with the windows open.

Thou Shalt Say Thine Prayers

Do I know for a fact that God exists? No. But it sure as hell doesn't hurt to cover your bases. Just kidding. Doot.

Thoughts On A Friday Night

Thoughts On A Friday Night

I assume it's counter-productive to be riding your exercise bike while eating a Rainbow Twizzler.

Rainbow Twizzlers rock your mom, seriously.

I love women with breast implants, they always invite people to feel them. It's like you're a lesbian for 8 seconds.

Chris Rock makes me laugh.

"There's a white, one-legged busboy in here that
wouldn't trade places with ME. And I'm RICH."

Conversations with kids are fun. I recently had one with Faithie that went like this:

Faithie: I have to call Ninong Abel.
Me: You can't honey, he's on an airplane right now.
Faithie: I want to go on an airplane.
Me: Really, where do you want to go?
Faithie: To Australia.
Me: What are you going to see in Australia?
Faithie: The ocean. And boats. Boats go in the water.
Me: That's true. What about airplanes?
Faithie: They fly in the sky.
Me: What else flies in the sky?
Faithie: Helicopters. And Superman.
Me: Who else flies?
Faithie: Martian Manhunter. And Wonder Woman. But not Batman. Batman has to run.

Incidentally, neither of my children will respond to their real names anymore. I believe they want to legally change their names to "Wonder Woman" and "Martian Manhunter."

It's birthday season. Birthdays often depress people but I don't get this. Birthdays mark another year you didn't get hit by a bus. What's depressing about that?

I expected Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to be a lot better than it was. If you don't read comics (thus not caring about whether or not the movie stays true to storylines) and liked the first one, the second one is pretty much the same thing with better effects. But it's the Silver Surfer for God's sake, I was expecting the movie to be on par with Spiderman 2 and Batman Begins. And they already miscast Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, despite the fact that Sue Storm is supposed to be the All-American blond, blue-eyed girl next door. The dye job and contacts didn't magically fix things.

The Transformers trailer they showed was hot though, Starscream looked awesome. He'll probably stay awesome until he opens his mouth.

Random Stuff: Take 421636

Random Stuff: Take 421636

1. They way we live in and around New York City is just insane, as in what we accept as normal. JFK airport is 23.1 miles away from my house. Due to traffic it routinely takes upwards of two hours to get there. To go 23 miles. Yet this is "normal." How much of people's lives must be spent in traffic? At least on the bus or train you can read a book, solve a crossword puzzle or do actual work.

2. CNN has been making me laugh lately. Every time they talk about a missing white person now, they make sure to then spend an equal time talking about a missing black person. I picture news producers en masse, frantically sifting through the wires for any indication that a black person has gone missing so they can run their story about the white person who is missing.

3. Things have come up with our housing situation and so the crux of it is that sometime in the next few months (by the end of September) I will either be back in the workforce or living in Los Angeles for awhile. I'd move with the girls and we'd either come back after a few months or Geo would move out to Cali. It's almost amusing but I never intended to live on the East Coast for that long. I came here after graduating college in 1997 and the game plan was that after my ex was finished with last couple of years of his engineering major, we would move back to my home town of Los Angeles. Ten years later and I am somehow still here. But now, faced with the actual possibility of moving "back home" I'm actually bummed out about it. Which seems absolutely stupid. Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely love to be near my parents and sister and college friends again. I just wanted them all to move HERE. Yeah I know, could I BE more selfish. I love love love L.A. *insert song here* but remember what it was like growing up there and I don't want that for my girls. Who would want their kids to get shot at and almost kidnapped three times. Anyway don't mind me, I'm just musing out loud.

4. I'm hungry. I'm always hungry though. We went to a buffet yesterday and I ate fried chicken, collard greens, french fries, mashed potatoes with two types of gravy, buttered corn, steak, popcorn shrimp, coleslaw, spinach quiche, fried okra, potato and corn chowder, plus some ice cream and fudge sundae cake. About an hour after, I started rooting through Manny and Janelle's cupboards looking for a snack.

Sexbay

Sexbay and Useless Mutant Powers

Wouldn't it be funny if they had a rating website for people and sex? You could rate people and leave comments like:

"Great ride, A++++++ bang. Will hump again!!"
"Neutral rating. Too fast delivery and package was small."
"Neutral rating. Positive transaction but poor communication. Would not return e-mails after."
(Steve's contribution but he really needs his own blog) "Poor rating. Box was all banged up, flaps hanging off the sides. Requires better presentation."

When I went to the passport office to get my emergency passport before Australia, I killed the 8-hour-long wait by walking up to random people and asking where they were going. I figured everyone was going somewhere interesting, no one would be at the passport office if they were headed to Des Moines. A conversation about tying cherry stems into a knot using your tongue led to a discussion of what our useless mutant powers would be, and I said one of mine would be "alphabetizing DVDs rapidly." Which two weeks later, led to a discussion during a layover at LAX about in what scenarios these useless mutant powers would actually save the world.

Like...

Mutant Power: Alphabetizing DVDs rapidly.

Scenario: The Arch Villain is destroying the city of Metropolis. He has free reign to carry out his Evil Plot because he has barricaded the world's superheroes behind a wall of unorganized DVDs. To open the wall one must alphabetize the DVDs perfectly in under a minute. *Ominous music* and then... "Look, up in the sky... it's a bird, it's a plane... no it's SUPER RISS!!!!!"

Mutant Power: Swallowing semen and figuring out what the guy ate that day.

Scenario: The Arch Villain has powers that allow him to transform into Superheroes. He becomes another Superguy and now the world can't tell which Superguy is the real one. But wait, the real Superguy has a fondness for spinach and artichoke dip, and ate several helpings at lunch. What do we do??? All is not lost, UNNAMED FRIEND is ready to fight for freedom, justice and the American way!

Mutant Power: Eating a ton of marshmallow Peeps.

Scenario: The Arch Villain has tied up Random Superhero and dropped him upside down into a vat filled with Peeps. You get dropped in as well, but your hands are tied behind your back and time's a-wastin'. Any minute now Random Superhero is going to suffocate. Here Jim comes to save the day!!

Mutant Power: Memorizing Pi to the 50th decimal.

Scenario: The Arch Math Villain has rigged a nuclear bomb set to explode and wipe out most of Central City. The timer is counting down from two minutes and precious seconds are ticking away. The only way to disarm the mechanism is by entering Pi to the 50th decimal, in one try. What ever shall we do??? Never fear, it's Stevie D and his Pi Power to the rescue!!

Auto Necrophilia, Duck Farts and Doodle Pro Face-Off

Auto Necrophilia, Duck Farts and Doodle Pro Face-Off

First and foremost, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to Stevie, who turned 31 this past Saturday. Or, "30" according to his parents. This is just a formality though, since we actually spent his birthday doing the Advance Course with Land mark. Steve has said a bunch of things in the past few months that have cracked me up, but a few stick out:

Steve: I have a feeling that my boss is going to discuss our project all the way to Hartford, but I'm really tired. I wonder if I can convince him I have auto necrophilia or something.
Me: Auto necrophilia? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Did you mean narcolepsy like you fall asleep all the time, or are you going to try and convince him that you randomly fall into cars and bang dead people?
Steve: Oh yeah, that one.

Abel: Here is one of those coins we were telling you about, the Sacajaweas.
Steve: Did you just say "Sack of Jews?"

Steve: Isn't there some our lady saint about that, assumption or something?
Me: Hahahaha Do you mean "Our Lady of Ascension?" I'm fucking dying.
Steve: Yeah that one!
Me: No no, I like the other one so much better.
Steve: Like, "Ed thought we were going to a club. I think he was praying to "Our Lady of Assumption."

Mike: I don't know if I can go. Who's going to be there?
Me: Remember how I told you that you weren't my only Jewish friend? They're going to be there.
Steve: You should come and then you guys can be all Pro-Jew together.
Me: That makes me think of how high school athletes get named to the "All-America All-Team" thing. "And introducing Mike J, two-guard, All-Jew All Team."
Mike: Did you know there's a Jewish Sports Hall of Fame?

Dude, I would so be fired if I were a radio personality. That shit is OUT OF CONTROL. We're on a slippery slope, firing people for politically incorrect jokes. I personally find the censorship of those people far more offensive than anything they said. Moving on.

To the person who found my blog by typing in "I have a big bug and I cannot lie": HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! What song are you looking for? You insect brothas can't deny. When a queen walks in with an itty bitty waist and antennae in your face you get STUNG!

The other day, I was standing in front of Abel, who was sitting on the couch, and I farted. Which is fine except that it sounded like a quack. And Abel looked at me and said, "Do you have a duck in your ass?" Yes. I play kinky sex games with poultry. One thing that bothers me is that it was pretty cool to quack out of my ass and I'm not certain I can ever re-create the sound.

Steve and I have a new hobby, which we enrolled Abel into playing. It's called "Doodle Pro Face-Off" and it is intense. We take the two Fisher-Price drawing boards that Kwame gave the girls, and a stack of vocabulary flash cards. At the count of three we turn over one of the cards and try to draw the word. Whoever finishes first wins, but his or her picture has to look more realistic than the other person's. So far my record is like 4-1 versus Abel and 1297-3 versus Steve. I am the undisputed Queen of Doodle Pro Face-off.

(L-R) Mine are the top 3 on the left (tiger, cat, pig) versus Steve and
the bottom one on the right (cow) versus Abe.

The game can also be played as a drinking game, H-O-R-S-E style. After each loss you get a letter and after the word is complete you drink. Our word was "cat" so needless to say, Steve got trashed pretty fast.

Belief

Belief

LBB had a post awhile ago asking his readers what they believe. Being a rather opinionated person, I obviously have thousands of beliefs. But here are some random ones. I believe:

That loyalty is the best trait in a friend, followed closely by "deviant sense of humor."

That if 4% of the people pay 90% of the taxes then they should just round it up and give the rest of us a break. (Okay maybe I don't actually believe in this one but damn it would be nice.)

That it doesn't hurt anyone for me to believe that the people I love who are gone from this world, have gone somewhere better.

That having an opinion which differs from mine is better than having no opinion at all. Unless you're just mindlessly parroting what you hear, in which case you should go find other people who do the same thing and occupy each other.

That laughter doesn't fix everything, but it gives you strength so you can try.

That some people are just crazy and you can't explain it, rehabilitate it or understand it. Just check the "crazy" column off and move on.

That living to eat is better than eating to live, as long as you have the willpower to get your ass on a treadmill.

That the words "Azerbijian, Andalusia, proliferous, dichotomy, irreverent, paradigm, exorbitant, symbiotic, discrepancy" and "verboten" are really fun to say.

That the true test of what I've accomplished in life will be how my kids turn out.

That you're never too old to eat Captain Crunch for dinner, get dressed up for Halloween, wade in a public fountain or slide down a banister on your ass.

That there is a hell, and in it people are eating veggie burgers, drinking non-alcoholic beer, watching televised golf and scrubbing toilets 24-7.

That sex is therapeutic, followed closely by playing the guitar, working out and singing in the shower.

That life is beautiful, but it's also scary, exhilarating, funny, abnormal, wild, challenging, amusing, devastating, inspiring, spectacular, infuriating, crazy, amazing, exhausting, invigorating and passionate.

That "A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a great friend will be sitting in the cell next to you saying 'Damn that was crazy.'"

That people (including myself) spend too much time stressing over shit that seems important but is actually trivial.

That American football is the greatest sport in the world. And the Raiders will win more than 2 games this year.

That one day I'll see a Chinese couple walking down the street, with their adopted blond-haired, blue-eyed baby.

That Batman is the best superhero ever, even if he doesn't have actual superpowers.

That faith will pull you through, whether it's religious faith, faith in yourself, faith in your loved ones, faith in life itself or faith in the healing power of ice cream and Spicy Buffalo and Ranch Doritos.

Random Thoughts Volume 3295023487059

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Random Stuff Take 456

Random Stuff Take 456

1. First and foremost, Happy Belated 31st Birthday to Stevie! This is just a formality though since we spent his birthday doing the Advance Course with Landmark. Steve has said a bunch of things that have killed me in the past few months, but my favorites are:

Steve: I really want to sleep in the car on the way to Hartford but I know my boss will want to talk. Maybe I could somehow convince him I have auto necrophilia.
Me: Auto NECROPHILIA? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Like, that you randomly get into cars and have sex with dead people or were you thinking narcolepsy?

Abel: Here's one of those coins we were telling you about, the Sacajaweas.
Steve: Did you just say "sack of Jews?"

Steve:

Search - "I have a big bug and I cannot lie"

duck fart abel

doodle pro face off
wine pong

Stolen Interview

Stolen Interview

Yeah so I'm reaching for shit to say, but don't want to have back-to-back 24 posts. So I stole this interview off Maz's blog and am going to answer the questions and pretend it counts as a real blog post.

Q. What's your theme song?
A. "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. Just kidding. No I'm not. Okay, I guess it would really be "Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill. Or maybe, "Drink With Me" from Les Miserables. Yeap, that's the one. It would have no hidden meaning though, the title is all that is necessary.

Q. What perfume do you wear?
A. I rarely wear perfume anymore but the last one was Oh! by Moschino. I've also worn Allure by Chanel, Eternity by Calvin Klein, Forever by Alfred Sung and Tuscany Per Donna by Estee Lauder. When I was 13 or so I used to marinate myself in Electric Youth by Debbie Gibson, then go flirt with boys at the ice rink.

Q. If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
A. Get my parents a house wherever they wanted, build a gated community where me and my closest friends would each have our own houses, donate to various charities and accrue interest on the rest.

Q. What instruments have you played at one point in time?
A. Piano (11 years), French horn (2 years), Guitar (8 months when I was 11 years old so I don't remember much and the last 3 weeks)

Q. What inspires and drives you?
A. My family and friends.

Q. What food can you not live without?
A. Apparently, oatmeal. But in a world where I don't care if my pants button or not, I wouldn't be able to live without garlic mashed potatoes, fettucine alfredo, red meat, creme brulee, spinach dip, those little Godiva white chocolate shell things, open-face roast beef sandwiches with gravy, Spicy Buffalo and Ranch Doritos, Funyuns, Chex Mix Turtle, lechon kawali, pork sinigang, chicken tikka masala, asparagus and Hollandaise sauce, deviled eggs, King crab claws with melted butter, stuffed mushrooms, carne asada burritos, guacamole, bacon, pork fried rice.

Q. Who do you tend to get drunk with the most?
A. Steve. After May, the answer will be "Steve and Ray" (Don't be skurd.)

Q. How many times have you been in love?
A. Three.

Q. How many times have you had your heart broken?
A. "Never" sounds bad huh.

Q. How many hearts have you broken?
A. This question sucks. I think they were just dented. "Broken" is such a dramatic word.

Q. What guys do you find attractive, looks-wise?
A. I have a strong preference for Filipino men, but aside from that I tend to gravitate towards guys with masculine features, dark hair, dark eyes and full lips.

Q. What draws you, past the looks?
A. Intelligence, a love for music, and a sense of humour. I also love men who don't take themselves too seriously, the kind that can have fun just sitting on a porch or some random park bench, talking with their friends.

Q. What type of guys could you never date?
A. Racists, homophobes, girly-guys (I know it's sexist but I prefer men who watch football, know how to fix a flat and can't tell the difference between "sage" and "celadon.")

Q. What's been the best day of your life so far?
A. The day my daughters were born.

Q. Short term goals?
A. Learn at least 30 songs on the guitar from start to finish (I'm at about 7 I think.) Organize the "arts and crafts" section of my breakfast room, right now it looks like a tornado hit. Get back on the extreme Ricarte diet, which isn't being helped by the presence of these fucking Girl Scout cookies in my house. Damn you Girl Scout cookies and your delicious little chocolate and coconut shavings goodness!

Q. What are a few things about you that would surprise most people?
A. I'm a registered Republican, though I'm moderate on many issues (and the close-minded extremists in my party really need to be rounded up and randomly left on an island.)
I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline for three years.
I don't like swimming in the ocean anymore because jellyfish have declared some sort of jellyfish jihad on me.
Though it pains me to admit it, I am feeling, a bit, a bit a bit, Justin Timberlake's song "Sexyback." (By the way, did anyone else hear that song and think "When the hell did sexy leave? I just thought she was in the bathroom.")

Random Stuff Volume 3.14159265

Random Stuff Volume 3.14159265

1. Abel had his 31st birthday on Sunday, so Happy Birthday patna! Year of the Dragon fo' life! *fist in air* By the way, Abel came home drunk one night, sat down on his couch and became immersed in the Home Shopping Network. At one point he picked up the phone and his sister went "What are you doing?" He was about to order 200 knives. No, not a set of 200 different knives with different functionalities, but 200 mini swiss army knives. I'm dying right now just typing that.

2. Geo and Tony came with me and Steve to the final session of the Land Mark Forum last night, which really meant a lot to me. I also want to say thanks for all the touching comments, emails and phone calls and thanks to all the blurkers who have come out in one form or another. You guys ROCK! It's bizarre but I feel as if I've known people for years and talked with them a thousand times but never really spoken to them until now. When we walked into the building, Tony asked what time it started and I told him they served the Kool-Aid at 7:30 but gave you ten minutes or so to mix the cyanide. Then I said it's good Geo is already bald, so they won't have to shave his head before they drill the holes. Just as an FYI, we use cyanide in our cult versus iocane powder, because some people have built up an immunity to iocane powder.

Incidentally, I'm not affiliated with them but I have a disclaimer anyway: The Landmark Forum is not for people with mental health issues. I can't stress that enough. If you are prone to mental illness, a forum that encourages you to take an honest look at yourself is probably not where you want to be. Seriously. It's hard enough for people who aren't conversing with the mailbox.

3. Here are some of the pics on my camera phone right now:

Nekkidy Harry Potter (courtesy of my brother-in-law Mike you know how
I know you're gay, you've got naked pics of Daniel Radcliffe on your phone)
and a sticker that says "I know how you feel. I just don't care."


One of the more popular stores in Bayonne and my most recent
tattoo when it was a day old


What was in front of me while I was sitting on the can at the optometrist's
office and me stoging in front of a No Smoking sign. The entrance was sealed
shut so I wasn't actually being much of a rebel.


A pic of my brother-in-law that my sister Leah has taken great
Photoshop liberties with and at her request, the chicken McNugget
shaped like the United States.

Other pics that are currently on my phone:

-The Grinch getting a blowjob (It's actually an animated gif but it wouldn't upload properly)
-My boobs
-A particularly impressive work of toilet art ("I'd like to thank the Academy, my lactose intolerance and corn...")
-A woman with pubes shaped like a Hasidic Jew's hair and the words "Happy Chanukah" (Hey, blame Mike J for that one, he really is the "Worst Jew Ever.")
-Random pics of family and friends, sometimes picking their nose.

4. This online game that tests if you can tell the difference between Polish President Lech Kaczynski and his twin brother Jaroslaw is funny and a bit annoying. I figure dammit, I'm the mom of identical twins. This should be a piece of cake. Then I remembered how in high school there were these twin brothers and for three years I couldn't tell them apart. So when they walked up, I'd check their shoes because one wore Asics and the other Diadoras (woot did I just date myself). One day I looked down and they'd gotten new shoes and I almost had an aneurysm. "Fuck, which one is he. Who am I talking to? Which one is this???"

5. I fell asleep in mid-sentence while on the phone the other day, and started dreaming I was sitting in a cafeteria with some friends, watching some strange man approach with his tray. The sentence I actually uttered out loud to Steve was "Abel was over for awhile, playing with the girls and this guy is walking over here and he has pit stains." Steve was like "What did you say?" And I woke up and went "What" because I knew what I said didn't make sense and was trying to buy some time.

6. I am lagging with the 24 post. Kwame?

Shower Thoughts Are Here Again Doo Da

Shower Thoughts Are Here Again Doo Da

But first, there's no show tonight due to unforeseen airport circumstances but I will be back on the air next week!

1. There's a Wiggles bandaid stuck to the wall of my shower. It's a little disconcerting to be in the shower naked and looking at them. And yet I haven't removed it.

2. Typos that make sense are great. I was showing this vibrating duck off online and accidentally said it was for the "bathrub" (the bathtub). Hee, a bathrub. That is my new favorite word. Let's all go have bathrubs. Bathrubs for all!!

3. I like to watch people shower. Not that I have any other outlet for this hobby besides Geo, I don't want you guys to start nervously looking out your bathroom windows in the morning (come on, what's a little peeping between friends). But if it were up to me people would be randomly half nekkid and wet with a snap of my fingers. Oh hello Mr. UPS Man, don't you look nice today. And my what a nice package you have. Oh hi Ms. Olive Garden Waitress, please set those toasted raviolis and clam stuffed mushrooms down and step back for a moment.

4. Damn, now I'm hungry.

5. Remember that time I said I wouldn't be able to decide between a lifetime of great sex and crappy food OR a lifetime of great food and crappy sex? I think the answer may lie with the time of day the question is posed. Because right now I would vote solidly for the food, but that could change at a moment's notice. Maybe I could just get a coin, with the word "HUNGRY" on one side and the word "HORNY" on the other.

6. What does any of this have to do with the shower? I don't know. I bought a gallon-sized bottle of conditioner at Costco last year and it's still around. I'm not a huge fan of the smell or texture of it, yet I can't bear to pour half a gallon of conditioner down the drain. See what parenthood does to you? Frugality rears its head at the stupidest of moments. Meanwhile, I think my hair smells like earwax. Will someone please pour it down the drain the next time they take a piss at my house? It's like the magically replenishing bottle of conditioner. Of course, that's what I get for shopping at Costco. One $6 bottle from there is large enough to condition the hair of New Zealand.

7. See, that was a shower thought.

8. Sometimes, I want to wear socks in the shower. Not that I actually do, but the urge is there. I've even had to pause after running the water and contemplate my lilac slipper socks on occasion.

I know I'm a freak.

Fake Interviews, Counting Goats and More Letters

Fake Interviews, Counting Goats and More Letters

1. I haven't sent any of my imaginary reporters out to do an interview since the 2004 Olympics. Figured it was about time.

Reporter: How have the injuries your team has sustained affected your chances at making the playoffs?
Tom Coughlin: They haven't, we are confident that we will make it all the way.
Reporter: Is that your water boy and towel boy over there in uniform?
Tom Coughlin: We actually refer to them now as "strong side linebacker" and "defensive end."
Reporter: O-kay. Um, is that Andrea Kremer over there, suiting up as well?
Tom Coughlin: She had a little trouble learning to tuck the ball, but the little lady sure can catch.
Reporter: What's that bloody thing in your hand?
Tom Coughlin: Oh nothing, just a rabbit's foot. Wrapped in a horseshoe charm. Dipped in holy water. Blessed by a priest, a rabbi, a Navajo shaman and a Muslim cleric.
Reporter: Is that a four-leaf-clover drawn on the rabbit's foot?
Tom Coughlin: Yeah, those suckers are really hard to find.
Reporter: Back to you Riss.

2. There's a comedian who has a shtick about how counting sheep never works for him because the sheep would start doing weird things. People laughed politely but I was in hysterics because the same crap happens to me. Except my sheep actually turn into other things. Once it turned into Conan O'Brien. Last night, I was counting sheep and the first few were actual sheep, but as I was patting myself on the back for having superior mind control powers, my sheep turned into goats. Followed by a llama, the hoochie shepherdess from Toy Story and a turtle which floated by holding a pink umbrella that was open but inverted.

3. I found some more letters in my inbox that I forgot to send out:

Dear PSE&G,

I feel compelled to inform you that this coming winter I will be heating up one small home in Jersey City, not the state of Minnesota during a blizzard. Please adjust my bills accordingly to reflect this. Thank you.

Dear Global Warming,

Per my letter to PSE&G expressing my concern over our gas bills, please make this another "warm winter." Also, please stop melting the polar ice caps, thinning the ozone layer, heating the oceans, killing off species, wearing fur, testing on animals, encouraging Paris Hilton to make "music", encouraging celebrities to use babies as accessories, promoting terrorism and injuring the New York Giants. Also, please bring back McDonald's fried apple pies. Thank you.

Dear the person who found my blog by typing in "Are some men really sociopaths or just asses?"

If men are sociopaths based on their dating behavior then women are psychopaths. Though I joke about "deez nuts" I could never be a man, because women give me a headache. Yes, I sometimes give myself a headache. The things we do, the things we care about, the things we can't just let go. Sometimes when Geo and I argue, I'll know we're talking about two different things but I'm like a dog with a bone.

Quickly

Quickly

1. I have the Chicago defense on my fantasy team. Don't hate me because they're beautiful.

2. My two favorite random college names are "Duquesne" and "Old Dominion." I don't know a single person who has ever gone to either of those universities, and I doubt I ever will, but they are fun to say.

3. This site is the number one Google search result for "meatspin dot com." And you people thought my goals were impossible to attain.

4. My gym needs a sign between their other signs ("Please allow people to work in their sets" and "No glass bottles") that says "Just because you CAN wear spandex doesn't mean you SHOULD."

5. Anyone seen the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" hot air party balloon commercial? I want to hang out on it. They're in evening wear, plus there's a buffet presumably consisting of foods slathered with fake butter. What's not to like.

6. If I had the money, I would resolve disputes with my neighbors eactly like this guy in Utah.

7. You know the saying, blowjobs are like pizza, even if it's bad pizza it's still pizza. One of my friends asked me the other day if oral sex for women was like oral sex for men. My answer is no. When a guy is down there who has no clue what he's doing, it's just plain awkward. Like finding your mom's vibrator awkward.

8. No idea yet what the future of my internet radio show is. At first it felt like no one wanted us. And now it feels like lots of people want us. I'm confused. And by "us" I mean the Mango Radio DJs, not me and my multiple personalities.

BRB I'm still not done with this post yet. I need to hit at least 10.

More Stuff

More Stuff

1. Bear with me people, I'm on the tail-end of a 6-day-long headache. It's not as bad as it was in the beginning but I'm still having trouble concentrating.

2. Hooray for the two Americans who won the Nobel Prize for Medicine recently. I figure we as a society cheer on people who win insignificant awards like the Oscars or the Emmys (just Kiefer though but still) so it's only right to cheer on these two. They should have a red carpet event, we could go and cheer on the sidelines and ask the professors to sign our computer-generated photos of Ribonucleic acid. Like that Payton Manning commercial, "You're my favorite accountant!"

3. Geo and I hosted a board game dinner party last week, and by "Geo and I" I really mean me, with Geo finding out about it the day before. Min couldn't find her game Taboo so we watched her and Geo play Truth or Dare Jenga (it's an actual game) and called out not-so-helpful suggestions. "Don't pull out that one, pull out the one on top... ohh oops." Afterwards we played Outburst (the card lists a category and 10 answers and your team tries to guess them) with battle of the sexes teams. Naturally the women whooped some sorry Y-chromosome ass, because that's how we roll. (Come on, you didn't think MY team was going to lose in a game that involves talking as much as possible right?)

4. Does anyone else laugh out loud at the commercials where the apples are trying to kick it to the pears and one of them says "Hey, are you Jamaican? Because jamaican me crazy!!!"

5. I bit this off Girlie, it's a website that lets you map where you've been and where you want to go. Here are the states I've been to:

And the countries I've been to:

And want I want my visited countries map to look like (at the very least) one day:

Travel is at the bottom of the list of things I care about right now, but if I had endless amounts of money it'd be fun for the kiddos to see new things and experience different cultures. And it would be fun to eat a whole lot of different foods. At last, we get to the real reason why I would visit these places. Speaking of travel, my very favorite travel story in the entire world has nothing to do with me leaving New Jersey. Like 5 years ago I got a call from my little sister Leah and the conversation went something like this...

Leah: Hi I'm back!
Me: Yay, how was it backpacking through Europe?
Leah: It was really amazing. Did you get the postcard I sent you from Germany?
Me: No...
Leah: You didn't, are you sure?
Me: I didn't get any postcard.
Leah: Oh. I must not have put the right address then.
Me: What address did you put?
Leah: Well I was really drunk so I think I may have put "Riss's House, New Jersey" and then mailed it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Man I love my sister.

Mexico Sucks, Swastika Pasties and Football IS Everything

Mexico Sucks, Swastika Pasties and Football IS Everything

1. Here's my white noise contribution for the month: I've never watched a single episode of "Dog The Bounty Hunter" and doubt I ever will, though the premise of the show is definitely after my own heart. But it weirds me out that Mexico is going to such lengths to extradite him for trial in their country, for breaking the Mexican law against bounty hunting when he captured convicted rapist Andrew Luster. Not that I condone jumping bail or breaking laws when visiting other countries in general, but this seems like a special situation. We've been a pretty good neighbor to Mexico. Let's be completely honest, their government supports the efforts of hordes of their citizens, who come and live here illegally. Those people make money and use resources without paying a cent of income tax and then they send part of that money to their relatives in Mexico where it gets poured into the Mexican economy. The Mexican economy, not ours. Personally, I don't judge on that, I understand that desperation that will drive people that poor to better their lives. But come on here.

Dog didn't kill someone or rape a local. Shouldn't him jumping into their country for a hot second, to grab some violent offender convicted of raping three women, be something that the Mexican government should overlook? And shouldn't the Mexican government just be glad to have one less rapist hanging around their women? I mean in the grand scheme of things, Mexico shouldn't be harboring some rich boy American criminal anyway, just because he builds a fancy house and buys a few government officials a sex slave or two. 86 counts of rape. You would think they would be grateful to have this guy off Mexican soil, idiots. My point is... HEY MEXICAN GOVERNMENT, CHINGA A TU MADRE!!!

2. That "Football is Everything" Nike commercial is awesome. Sometimes I'm a little jealous of the Briscoe Highs of the country. No, not fictional high schools like West Beverly High or Sunnydale. American high schools that have a strong football culture. The song in the commercial is always stuck in my head too. It would probably make a good song to run on the treadmill to. You know, besides "Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looks like the girlfriend I had in February of last year..." I don't know why, but that song makes me run fast as hell. I think I'm trying to outrun it. Speaking of football commercials, I look forward to seeing those Southwest Airlines "It Must Be Football Season" ones every year. Like the one where the cashier says "I'm open" and the guy throws a pineapple at him. HA!

3. On her blog, Nicole featured the poster children for white supremacy, twin girls named Lamb and Lynx. Think Mary Kate and Ashley but with white hoods and burning crosses, instead of Jimmy Choo espadrilles and half a Mento in their stomachs. Okay sure it's bad when parents brainwash children and then use their lobotomized little bodies to further their own political agendas. But the real tragedy here is that by giving them those unfortunate names, the parents in question have given their twin girls no other career options except to ride the pole at Flashdancers, in matching swastika pasties. What kind of parents would do that to their children? There should be a law. This is a free country dammit, parents should not be allowed to determine their children's occupations at birth.

The Stripper Nazis could probably wear this shirt
to school. Hee.

4. The other night I was watching some random poker show and got reeled in because John Juanda and Daniel Negreanau were playing. Once in awhile they would show a screenshot of the top winners of whatever poker site they were pushing. The last time they did it, the top winner's screen name was "Heywouldyablowme." Heh. I'm 12.

5. I read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold last night, then afterwards tossed it behind the fish tank (my version of Joey keeping The Shining in the freezer.) It's about a young girl who dies violently, goes to heaven, then watches her family deal with her loss. It's described as a poignant, sad yet uplifting book but I apparently never found the uplifting part. Instead, I sobbed throughout the entire book then threw up after. YES. Now do you see why I stick to classics, historical romances, Tom Clancy and books by humor novelists? It's a health thing.

Crikey

Crikey

1. While it really shouldn't be an enormous surprise that someone with his um, enthusiasm for wild animals was killed by one, I still yelled "Holy Crap Steve Irwin died!!!" Sure he shouldn't be dangling his kids near crocodiles, but I liked his show and liked watching him interact with the animals he loved so much. And it was plain to see that he loved his wife Terri and his kids very much, even if there's no way someone who wrestles with crocodiles is completely sane. Pour some Fosters out for our homey, or should I say mate, who ain't here no mo'. Fosters from the U.S. though, since apparently Foster's sold in actual Australia sucks.

2. This segue sucks but a month or so ago a group of us ate at some restaurant in the city called "The Sunburnt Cow" that boasts authentic Australian food. Some things I learned:

-Guava tequila is yummy.
-Kangaroo tastes like a cross between pork and beef.
-The "Aussie burger" or whatever is weirdly good. It is a regular burger with lettuce, tomato, a fried egg over easy, bacon, beetroot, cheese and a slice of grilled pineapple. Okay reading that you probably want to hurl a little but it is insanely delicious.
-I could eat a hundred "Lamingtons" (sponge cakes dipped in chocolate and rolled in coconut.)
-Even if the Aussies were critical of this specific restaurant's offering, pavlova (some dessert involving meringue, fresh fruit and cream) is also freaking good. I'm going to Australia. I don't know when but it's happening.

3. I cried like a baby during Agassi's farewell speech. I'm teary about sports ceremonies as it is, like jersey retirement ceremonies or when they award Olympic medals. But I straight up sobbed when Agassi was speaking. I love that guy. To me he is the quintissential face of tennis, someone who brought everything to the table, his A-game and the ability to excite fans. Plus he seems like such a stand up guy, as evidenced by the three extended standing ovations from three different groups of people (the fans, his fellow players, the media) today. I remember being a kid and watching him play exhibition matches at the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles, over 15 years ago. No really, I love this guy. I hope he takes up coaching or something.

4. Robb Todd of 8o8 blog fame wrote up an article on the MTV Video Music Awards, check it out. But I must pass on his own warning: "In the interest of journalistic transparency, I must reveal that I just bought a Crock Pot. What's worse, I'm really excited about it." I too am excited about his crock pot, but only because I plan to one day drop by his apartment unannounced and reap the culinary benefits of it. Oh and raid his bar. But that's kind of a given.

5. I like to think I'm pretty open-minded about the whole breastfeeding in public debate. I figure a woman should be able to feed her baby when he's hungry. But a little discretion goes a long way. We were at The Olive Garden the other day and some woman fed her baby at the table, then burped him, put him down, rummaged around in her purse for a bit, wiped his mouth, had a conversation, rummaged around in her bag some more and THEN tucked her tits back into her shirt. Yes, the biological purpose of breasts are to nurture children. But the biological function of the penis is to create children, and the biological function of the female genitalia is to create and deliver children, yet I don't want any of those next to my Fettucine Alfredo either.

6.If you hate Myspace you're going to hate Catch-27 even more. There's something intruiging though about the idea of trading people like they're a commodity. Oh who am I kidding. Like most bloggers I'm self-absorbed and just like to fill out questionaires about myself.

7. My current cause is to boycott Burger King. That's my official contribution to better society. I am boycotting Burger King in protest of their using that greedy fool Drew Rosenhaus (T.O.'s agent) in their commercials. There's no way in hell they should be rewarding such scum for his greed. Of course, I'm already keeping away from fast food so this boycott is no skin off my back. But it's the principle. Okay I'm just fucking around but still, shame on Burger King.

Stuff

Stuff

1. Two female hotel managers were blackmailed into drinking liquor in order to shorten a forced power outage at their hotel. How come this shit never happens to me?

Blackmailer: Okay Riss, you must drink this entire bottle of liquor or I'll--
Me: Glp glup gllk glph gluph glph glup... ahhhhh. I'm sorry, or you'll what?

2. Every commercial that advertises a great deal always has the words "only for qualified buyers" at the end. Which pretty much means "only people so rich they haven't fucked their credit up can qualify" which means "only people who don't need to save money can qualify." Okay I'm kidding, I know there are plenty of people out there who are responsible enough to have good credit, without lots of money. But I hate you.

3. I got an e-mail inviting me to a masturbate-a-thon but I thought it was a joke. Turns out it's an actual event being held in Britain. I'm pretty open about my sexuality but I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than jerking off in front of hundreds of strangers. It'd almost be more comfortable to have sex in front of hundreds of strangers, than to all be sitting in some stadium, on a sticky blue mat, turning the pages of Penthouse Forum with one hand and grasping a vibrator with another. While vendors walk by, selling bottled water and lubricant. Also, my inner germophobe feels compelled to point out that such an event would likely be messy. Unless they have Orgasm Proctors circling around, paper towels at the ready. You know you can't trust some people to keep their bodily fluids to themselves. It's almost as if they are completely unaware of the proper etiquette to employ at group masturbation events. Plebians.

4. It's weird that in this day and age stamps still exist. Kind of like walking into someone's house and seeing a VCR instead of a DVD player. I still use traditional stamps though, but keep forgetting to get my grubby little paws on these.

5. Some person named Leah tagged me awhile back and since the same people created and raised us, I am obligated to repost the shit she ordered me to. Here are 6 weird facts about myself:

-I still love BadgerBadgerBadger. A lot. Also, this ISN'T something you want to click on while at work (unless you work for a company that encourages its employees to view pron in which case are they hiring) but I also love lemon parties.
-I like picking my scabs. I do so with relish and show the particularly large ones off like scaly little trophies.
-Jeanette was my favorite Chipette. She read books. Eleanor was greedy and Brittany was a bit of a whore.
-My mom used to dress me and Leah the same. Until I was like 12. We were 4 years apart in age. Right now as I remember walking around in a floral turtleneck and fuschia overalls, with a miniature version of me following behind, I am thinking some unkind thoughts about that crazy broad.
-Sometimes I eat Top Ramen raw and straight out of the bag, like chips.
-My feet and underarms rarely smell. So on the rare occasions that they do, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

People I am tagging: Your mom, and your mom, and YOUR mom, and anyone else who wants to do this and would like someone to blame.

Random Things Volume: 98468

Random Things Volume: 98468

1. If I were ever to write a commercial, it would probably be similar to the Geico one where the gecko says "Asking people if they want free rate quotes is like asking them if they want free pie and chips. It's free pie. With chips. For FREE. Now who doesn't want that?" That sounds like me. Except I'd say free pie, chips and hazelnut gelato. Now who doesn't want hazelnut gelato?? And bacon. Oh oh and those little spinach quiches they serve at parties. So my commercial would go something like "Asking people if they want free rate quotes is like asking them if they want free boston creme pie, sour cream and onion chips, hazelnut gelato, bacon and spinach quiche. Who doesn't want that???"

2. I put Batman temporary tattoos on the girls, because they keep asking to see my dragon. But the Batman on Angelina's has no head. I tried to keep it from her (the tattoo is on the top of her arm so it's hard for her to get a clear look at it) but Faith said "Angelina's tattoo no head no head!!" And of course we all then had to look over at the tattoo in question, standing there all caped crusadery and headless.

3. I'm technically supposed to wait until Monday to open my gifts but I already watched the entire season of Firefly that WebKittyn and Gotard got me off my wishlist and just got my grubby little hands on the book Adam sent. Thanks guys!! Although I will of course put up an official thank you post and send out thank you cards.

4. Is it so bad turning 30? People seem to think it's this evil milestone but I don't mind leaving my twenties behind. Not that they were bad or anything but well... don't let the door hit your ass on the way out 20's.

5. Mayor Bloomberg is starting up a campaign to urge NYC's homeless off the streets and into the city shelters/treatment centers. No police will be involved, instead city workers "will make repeated visits to encampments with the goal of relocating people into assistance programs." They're going to whine them into shelters, I love it! What Bloomberg should do is hire an army of Jehova's Witnesses. I've been telling those people that we're Catholic for about four years. Every week. The same people sometimes.

6. Just got an e-mail from my friend Cara, who was taking a class in Bolivia on conflict resolution. Her class was accused by the Bolivian government of being American spies. The local newspaper there printed all of their names and said they were all undercover marines on a mission. Cara's response was that anyone who accuses her of being an undercover marine has obviously never seen her attempt to do a push-up. Hee. I could see Cara saying those exact words in some Bolivian military inquisition. She made it back to NY safe and sound though!

7.Got this from Kontraband.com courtesy of Min.

I am not certain if this site is like youtube.com, so I could be stealing bandwidth. In the online world this apparently ranks me somewhere below murderers and above child molesters.