Conversations with my friends

Conversations With My Friends

I love talking to my friends. And this is why:

Mike: I'm not sure if I'm even getting married one day.
Me: Oh yes you fucking are!! I already have the best man (woman) speech written. You're getting married if I have to drag your ass to the Philippines and buy you a fucking wife.
Steve: Hahahaha--
Me: What the hell are you laughing at? This goes for you too.

***

Kwame: What is this crap in the news with Jason and Joumana Kidd?
Me: It's insanity.
Kwame: Do you remember when we saw her at All-Star and you and Lani fell instantly in lust?
Me: Absolutely.
Kwame: She didn't have the implants in yet did she?
Me: No, we would have noticed if she did. And she unbuttoned her jacket right in front of me.
Kwame: In slow motion huh?
Me: Yes. And also, she was taking a shower.
Kwame: And throwing her hair back like in the shampoo commercials.
Me: And licking her lips. Let's not talk about this anymore.
Kwame: Let's talk about her name then. What kind of name is that?
Me: Maybe it means something in a different language? I don't know, it's "ethnic."
Kwame: Okay see, that bugs me. It's not "ethnic" to just make up a name.
Me: You know that your people are the worst offenders in that right?
Kwame (heaving a deep sigh): Yes, I realize this.

***

Me: So do you spit or swallow?
Someone: I'm not telling you.
Me: Why not, we're all friends here.
Someone: Well it depends.
Me: Depends on what?
Someone: On what they ate that day.
Me: "They"? How many dicks are you sucking?
Someone: Shut up! You know what I meant.
Me: I know, I'm JUST KIDDING. Anyway so what do you mean it depends on what they ate that day?
Someone: Well you know, because you can taste it, what they ate that day.
Me: Wait, what do you mean you can taste it, as in you can taste EXACTLY what they ate that day?
Someone: You know what I mean.
Me: No, no I don't. Are you saying you can swallow his junk, then break it down into the individual components like "Mmmmmmm... you ate a cheese burger, chicken nuggets and three Fritos today."
Someone: NO!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I mean!!
Someone Else: Drinking men's sperm and telling them what they ate that day is your mutant power.
Someone Else Else: So... What did your dog eat today?
The Table: HAHAHAHAHAHA--- FUCK. That's wrong.

***

Me: I looked up who was linking to my blog and found some site that I thought was yet another pron spam site, but it was a guy's blog, listing bangable bloggers.
Geo: Really, so does this mean that random guys are going to be jerking off and thinking about you now?
Me: Does it bother you to think of guys jerking off to me? It didn't use to.
Geo: No, it still doesn't.
Me: As long as they're not standing outside our window peeping in.
Geo (hiding in the curtains): Doing this... *really graphic noise that sounds pretty accurate*
Me: HAHAHAHAHA EEEW okay, you officially took the joke too far with that noise.

***

Jules: There is no way anyone could fit that thing in.
Me: She said her real vibrator was that big.
Baby D: Yeah but it broke.
Me: I banged a guy once who made that shit look small. Just once though, and then I had to recover for a week.
Min: Is that the story where you tried to run away?
Me (gesturing to illustrate size): Oh fuck yeah. I was almost out the door but he caught me and we proceeded to debate the elasticity of the vagina. I lost the argument. It's my fault really, he warned me even before we hooked up and I didn't listen.
Min: What was he?
Me: He was a white guy.
The Table: REALLY????????????
Mike (to Min): What are you looking at ME for?? Because I'm white??
Me (gasping for air): She's speculating on the size of your penis.
Min: I wasn't looking at you!!!!!!!!!
The Table: Yeah you were!!!!
Me: Don't you know how rude it is to speculate on how big your friend's penis is?
Min: I wasn't!!!!!!!!!
Mike: She was like a deer caught in headlights.
Me (whispering): Fuck with her.
Mike (leering): Hey MIn.... How yoooooooooo doin?