August 6, 2006



1. Two female hotel managers were blackmailed into drinking liquor in order to shorten a forced power outage at their hotel. How come this shit never happens to me?

Blackmailer: Okay Riss, you must drink this entire bottle of liquor or I'll--
Me: Glp glup gllk glph gluph glph glup... ahhhhh. I'm sorry, or you'll what?

2. Every commercial that advertises a great deal always has the words "only for qualified buyers" at the end. Which pretty much means "only people so rich they haven't fucked their credit up can qualify" which means "only people who don't need to save money can qualify." Okay I'm kidding, I know there are plenty of people out there who are responsible enough to have good credit, without lots of money. But I hate you.

3. I got an e-mail inviting me to a masturbate-a-thon but I thought it was a joke. Turns out it's an actual event being held in Britain. I'm pretty open about my sexuality but I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than jerking off in front of hundreds of strangers. It'd almost be more comfortable to have sex in front of hundreds of strangers, than to all be sitting in some stadium, on a sticky blue mat, turning the pages of Penthouse Forum with one hand and grasping a vibrator with another. While vendors walk by, selling bottled water and lubricant. Also, my inner germophobe feels compelled to point out that such an event would likely be messy. Unless they have Orgasm Proctors circling around, paper towels at the ready. You know you can't trust some people to keep their bodily fluids to themselves. It's almost as if they are completely unaware of the proper etiquette to employ at group masturbation events. Plebians.

4. It's weird that in this day and age stamps still exist. Kind of like walking into someone's house and seeing a VCR instead of a DVD player. I still use traditional stamps though, but keep forgetting to get my grubby little paws on these.

5. Some person named Leah tagged me awhile back and since the same people created and raised us, I am obligated to repost the shit she ordered me to. Here are 6 weird facts about myself:

-I still love BadgerBadgerBadger. A lot. Also, this ISN'T something you want to click on while at work (unless you work for a company that encourages its employees to view pron in which case are they hiring) but I also love lemon parties.
-I like picking my scabs. I do so with relish and show the particularly large ones off like scaly little trophies.
-Jeanette was my favorite Chipette. She read books. Eleanor was greedy and Brittany was a bit of a whore.
-My mom used to dress me and Leah the same. Until I was like 12. We were 4 years apart in age. Right now as I remember walking around in a floral turtleneck and fuschia overalls, with a miniature version of me following behind, I am thinking some unkind thoughts about that crazy broad.
-Sometimes I eat Top Ramen raw and straight out of the bag, like chips.
-My feet and underarms rarely smell. So on the rare occasions that they do, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

People I am tagging: Your mom, and your mom, and YOUR mom, and anyone else who wants to do this and would like someone to blame.

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