June 8, 2007


Sexbay and Useless Mutant Powers

Wouldn't it be funny if they had a rating website for people and sex? You could rate people and leave comments like:

"Great ride, A++++++ bang. Will hump again!!"
"Neutral rating. Too fast delivery and package was small."
"Neutral rating. Positive transaction but poor communication. Would not return e-mails after."
(Steve's contribution but he really needs his own blog) "Poor rating. Box was all banged up, flaps hanging off the sides. Requires better presentation."

When I went to the passport office to get my emergency passport before Australia, I killed the 8-hour-long wait by walking up to random people and asking where they were going. I figured everyone was going somewhere interesting, no one would be at the passport office if they were headed to Des Moines. A conversation about tying cherry stems into a knot using your tongue led to a discussion of what our useless mutant powers would be, and I said one of mine would be "alphabetizing DVDs rapidly." Which two weeks later, led to a discussion during a layover at LAX about in what scenarios these useless mutant powers would actually save the world.


Mutant Power: Alphabetizing DVDs rapidly.

Scenario: The Arch Villain is destroying the city of Metropolis. He has free reign to carry out his Evil Plot because he has barricaded the world's superheroes behind a wall of unorganized DVDs. To open the wall one must alphabetize the DVDs perfectly in under a minute. *Ominous music* and then... "Look, up in the sky... it's a bird, it's a plane... no it's SUPER RISS!!!!!"

Mutant Power: Swallowing semen and figuring out what the guy ate that day.

Scenario: The Arch Villain has powers that allow him to transform into Superheroes. He becomes another Superguy and now the world can't tell which Superguy is the real one. But wait, the real Superguy has a fondness for spinach and artichoke dip, and ate several helpings at lunch. What do we do??? All is not lost, UNNAMED FRIEND is ready to fight for freedom, justice and the American way!

Mutant Power: Eating a ton of marshmallow Peeps.

Scenario: The Arch Villain has tied up Random Superhero and dropped him upside down into a vat filled with Peeps. You get dropped in as well, but your hands are tied behind your back and time's a-wastin'. Any minute now Random Superhero is going to suffocate. Here Jim comes to save the day!!

Mutant Power: Memorizing Pi to the 50th decimal.

Scenario: The Arch Math Villain has rigged a nuclear bomb set to explode and wipe out most of Central City. The timer is counting down from two minutes and precious seconds are ticking away. The only way to disarm the mechanism is by entering Pi to the 50th decimal, in one try. What ever shall we do??? Never fear, it's Stevie D and his Pi Power to the rescue!!

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