June 12, 2007

With Friends Like These...

With Friends Like These... Who Needs Enemies?

I knew life would get even more interesting after Ray and Matt moved here from Australia. So on Saturday night, the three of us and Steve hit up a gay club in the city called Mr. Black. We managed to get past the bouncer, a 200 lb lesbian who could probably bench press a normal-sized sedan and who said "Eeew, look at this bitch" when she saw me. The club was in a basement, and filled with writhing, half-naked men. So already the night was a winner. I don't even know what straight bars look like anymore.

I have to preface the following story by stating for the umpteenth time that Steve is in fact, STRAIGHT. All pictures to the contrary, he does actually prefer women to men. /end obligatory disclaimer that he made me put.

We walked into the joint and added a couple of SoCo shots to our respective tallies of a bottle of wine (for me) and half a bottle of vodka (for Steve). Twenty minutes later we were all on the dance floor and Matt was probably wondering why we were grinding up on him like we had poisonous skin rashes and the antidote was on him. I'm a straight female so it's no big thang but Liquor 1, Steve 0. Some self-fondling and a mini strip-tease later (much to the delight of the almost nude go-go dancers next to us) and the score was Liquor 4, Steve 0.

We headed outside for some air and noting that our friend was completely trashed, did what any good friends would do and made sure he didn't do anything he'd regret. Pause pause pause, NOT. In actuality, Ray and I then spent the next ten minutes alternately bullying, bribing and begging Steve to kiss either Ray or Matt. With tongue. Yes, I know you guys are thinking "Riss you are the worst fucking friend on the planet." I'm not denying it.

Anyhoo, eventually the stakes were set that if I kissed Matt then Steve would too. Inner drunken monologue at this time: "What, you mean I get to kiss a hot guy then watch two hot guys make out? This is the best day ever." Incidentally, Ray is a lucky man (and vice-versa). Matt is a good kisser. Steve still didn't take the bait though, so I guess he's more than 4 Long Islands away from gaydom. Did I mention I got to kiss Matt? Woot! I didn't get in trouble though, apparently gay guys and other girls don't count.

And here was this morning's chat:

Me: I could have sworn I heard that you would kiss Matt if I did. But it's okay. Welcher.
Stevie: What's a welcher?
Me: Someone who doesn't do what they said they would in a bet or agreement
Ray: see also: Steve
Stevie: I don't remember making such a bet
Me: Of course you don't, you were trashed
Ray: steve doesn't remember anything
Stevie: riss (n ): person that takes advantage of drunk, innocent men. See also ray (n).
Ray: that's the definition of a great night out
Me: Yeah, that isn't the definition of "Riss and Ray" that's the definition of "A good Saturday night"
Stevie: *sigh*
Me: Hey, no one told you to down half a bottle of vodka in like 15 minutes.
Ray: or touch yourself at a gay club
Ray: in the middle of the dance floor
Ray: in front of the strippers, like the strippers
Stevie: shit
Me: Or to grind up on Matt. And agree to kiss him.
Ray: and then don't
Me: And to order more shots, when we told you you were already drunk.
Stevie: I did not agree to kiss him!! you know there's this voice inside my head that says: "wait - riss and ray ... TOGETHER?! BAD NEWS, STEVE!!" but I think - No ... they're my best friends. they'll look out for me
Me: "Danger Will Robinson!!!!!"
Ray: dude that'd be an interesting social experiment. get steve fucked up, leave him in a gay bar
Ray: and he has to stay while we all leave
Ray: and we watch via closed circuit camera
Me: And he's wearing no shirt
Stevie: um not funny
Me: And is covered in something sweet
Stevie: shit
Ray: and he's busting to go to the bathroom and the urinals are mirrors
Stevie: you guys are evil
Ray: and it's a foam party
Stevie: is there ice cream?
Stevie: NO WAIT
Me: Yes, on you.
Ray: i dunno about ice cream, but there is white stuff on ur chin
Stevie: bastard
Me: There is ice cream but it's in your ass and people have to find out what flavor it is.
Stevie: hahahaha shit
Ray: HAHAHA! you're covered in ice cream and everyone is playing a game called "Complete the banana split"
Me: And your banana doesn't count
Stevie: no please
Ray: FUCK i just coughed my diet pepsi out
Stevie: Really - would people get the wrong idea? yes ... yes, they might.

Man I love these guys so much. Also, I don't know what Americans sound like anymore.

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