Fake Interviews, Counting Goats and More Letters
1. I haven't sent any of my imaginary reporters out to do an interview since the 2004 Olympics. Figured it was about time.
Reporter: How have the injuries your team has sustained affected your chances at making the playoffs?
Tom Coughlin: They haven't, we are confident that we will make it all the way.
Reporter: Is that your water boy and towel boy over there in uniform?
Tom Coughlin: We actually refer to them now as "strong side linebacker" and "defensive end."
Reporter: O-kay. Um, is that Andrea Kremer over there, suiting up as well?
Tom Coughlin: She had a little trouble learning to tuck the ball, but the little lady sure can catch.
Reporter: What's that bloody thing in your hand?
Tom Coughlin: Oh nothing, just a rabbit's foot. Wrapped in a horseshoe charm. Dipped in holy water. Blessed by a priest, a rabbi, a Navajo shaman and a Muslim cleric.
Reporter: Is that a four-leaf-clover drawn on the rabbit's foot?
Tom Coughlin: Yeah, those suckers are really hard to find.
Reporter: Back to you Riss.
2. There's a comedian who has a shtick about how counting sheep never works for him because the sheep would start doing weird things. People laughed politely but I was in hysterics because the same crap happens to me. Except my sheep actually turn into other things. Once it turned into Conan O'Brien. Last night, I was counting sheep and the first few were actual sheep, but as I was patting myself on the back for having superior mind control powers, my sheep turned into goats. Followed by a llama, the hoochie shepherdess from Toy Story and a turtle which floated by holding a pink umbrella that was open but inverted.
3. I found some more letters in my inbox that I forgot to send out:
I feel compelled to inform you that this coming winter I will be heating up one small home in Jersey City, not the state of Minnesota during a blizzard. Please adjust my bills accordingly to reflect this. Thank you.
Dear Global Warming,
Per my letter to PSE&G expressing my concern over our gas bills, please make this another "warm winter." Also, please stop melting the polar ice caps, thinning the ozone layer, heating the oceans, killing off species, wearing fur, testing on animals, encouraging Paris Hilton to make "music", encouraging celebrities to use babies as accessories, promoting terrorism and injuring the New York Giants. Also, please bring back McDonald's fried apple pies. Thank you.
Dear the person who found my blog by typing in "Are some men really sociopaths or just asses?"
If men are sociopaths based on their dating behavior then women are psychopaths. Though I joke about "deez nuts" I could never be a man, because women give me a headache. Yes, I sometimes give myself a headache. The things we do, the things we care about, the things we can't just let go. Sometimes when Geo and I argue, I'll know we're talking about two different things but I'm like a dog with a bone.