November 13, 2006

Pistol Grip Pump On My Lap At All Times

Pistol Grip Pump On My Lap At All Times

This story about the judge who used to masturbate in the courtroom during proceedings is so foul on so many levels yet oddly interesting. I don't know about you guys, but most people need inspiration to jerk off right? A copy of Swank, Inches, Penthouse Letters, the memory of your co-worker's ass when she bent down to pick up fallen TPS reports, the tape of you and your husband getting busy in Antigua, or in my case the Island Fever 3 DVD you drunkenly bullied your best friend into buying for you at 2 A.M. in the East Village after getting your nose pierced. So either this judge is reeeaaaaalllly good at tuning things out (which would probably lead to a crapload of appeals) or he gets off on hearing people talk about tragedy.

The latter choice would seem odd, were it not for the existence of "Furries" (people that get off on wearing animal costumes) and murder groupies. Those two groups are shining examples that anything is possible in the realm of sexual attraction. Oh and golden showers. Jesus Christ, golden showers. Who the hell woke up one morning and thought "My she looks sexy laying there in her silk teddy. But she'd be so much sexier covered in urine." Bleehhh, I consider myself fairly open-minded when it comes to sex but people are so weird. Oh here's another one, spitting. No not THAT kind of spitting. A guy on a message board once told the story about his ex-boyfriend who used to love to get spit on. In the face. IN THE FACE. What the fuck? Is it just me or is that even more degenerate than a ten-way gangbang with a vat of KY and a really eager midget.

And don't even get me started on snowballing. Okay gay men and two women sharing some guy can rock on with the snowballing. Snowball on, my friends. But if the guy I was with (aka my husband) asked me to snowball him I would be out of that bedroom, bathroom, car, stairwell faster than you could say "Grrgglll mmppfffhhhh."

Okay so maybe I'm not as open-minded about sex as I think. How about this, it's okay if you all do it but don't send me the videotape. Or you COULD send me the videotape, but don't expect me to watch it while I'm eating. And yes, I do sometimes watch porn while I eat. It's a combination of two great things. Like drinking while playing tennis (done that too) or reading a book while taking a... walk. Shh this is a family site.

Incidentally, it's getting annoying to hear "girls have nothing to jerk" from guys, when I use the term "jerk off" in a general sense. So I'm going to change my phrasing to "rub one out." That is unisex, so men looking to protect the glory of possessing a phallus won't be so threatened by me and my verbs. See, I'm a team player. It's my team though.

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