My 7 Commandments of Sleeping
(As jacked from Elaine)
Thou Shalt Have The Closet Door Closed
I don't exactly buy into the Boogeyman hype, but there's something freaky about waking up in the middle of the night and seeing an open closet door. With a scaly, decayed gray hand creeping around it. And evil, evil red eyes only partially masked by a black hood. I'm just saying.
Thou Shalt Have The Bedroom Door Locked
I'm a pretty light sleeper. If a serial killer has to jimmy the door lock, it would wake me up with enough time to dial 911. I'm just saying.
Thou Shalt Have Fabric Protecting Thine Nether Regions
It's not ass demons that worry me, it's the insects. Our house has these brown ones that look like smaller versions of the shit they pulled out of Neo's stomach in The Matrix. I assume the chances of them crawling into the hoohoo and laying eggs are slim to none, but even the thought of them hanging out there for a bit has me vetoing the whole sleeping naked thing.
Thou Shalt Have Thy Feet Covered With Socks or A Blanket
I absolutely cannot sleep if my feet are bare. Sometimes the blanket is wrapped around my feet just to right above the ankles. Over my socks.
Thou Shalt Check To Make Sure Thine Kids Are Breathing.
Yeah, I know this one is morbid. It's a remnant from when the kiddos were born and had sleep apnea (pauses in breathing while they slept). They were connected to monitors for 6 months, which would beep every time there was a pause in breathing. The monitors were very sensitive and easily dislodged, so they went off about once an hour, which would send me flying to check on them from my pad on the floor two feet away. Once they no longer officially needed the monitors, I would obsessively check to make sure they were breathing 7 or 8 times each night. Now I limit myself to one or two times, right before I go to sleep.
Thou Shalt Have The Windows Closed
Even if I lived on the 16th floor, thus effectively removing all chances of serial killers climbing through the windows, I'd still need to have them closed. Regardless of the temperature outside, whether it's 30 degrees or 90, I get sick when I sleep with the windows open.
Thou Shalt Say Thine Prayers
Do I know for a fact that God exists? No. But it sure as hell doesn't hurt to cover your bases. Just kidding. Doot.