Random Stuff: Chapter 49,956

Random Stuff: Chapter 49,956

1. So I got derailed and all by the whole hospital thing but we need to get back to business as usual. And by "business as usual" I actually mean "stuff no one but me cares about."

Drawn by Stevie D. It kind of makes me feel like there's
a bus, train or anvil out there with my name on it.

2. Who wants to talk Harry Potter? I thought JK Rowling tied things up pretty nicely. It was bittersweet to read though, like eating the last chocolate in the box. It's still delicious but you're sad that there's none left. I'd put up a more in-depth review but I'm still bummed the series is over. Seven books sounded like a lot when I was reading the first one. Now I feel like someone handed me two potato chips.

3. Back to the Transformers movie, it was enjoyable. I found the "campy" moments that people complained about amusing. It was a cartoon from the 80's, quite possibly the campiest era of our time. Bumblebee was bad ass, I was skeptical when it was announced he would be a Camaro but they really got that off. My one major complaint with the movie was that there were too many humans, not enough actual Transformers and too much love story crap. I understand that they were also targeting people who have never watched the cartoon, but come on. Chip and Spike were helpful and all but it was always Optimus and posse who saved the day. If they'd eliminated the whole bad-guy-secret-sector-turned-good-guy storyline they could have had time to put in Soundwave.

Drawn by the ever talented Ben Lee. I think I'm going to
legally change the girls' names to Rumble and Frenzy.

4. You know what's worse than stepping in a wet spot while wearing socks? When you're walking along unsuspectingly in a public place and your hand brushes up against something sticky and you have no idea what it is. And yet it's all over your hand. Bleh.

5. Birthdays have never bothered me. I'm pretty straight about them, each one marks the passing of another year you didn't accidentally fall off a cliff or get hit by a runaway train. What's not to like? But for some reason, I never want to actually DO anything for my birthday. It feels like I'm embarrassed to celebrate it (which is ludicrous considering I'm a Leo AND self-absorbed enough to blog). My point is, thanks to Geo for Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80's, Tony, Mike and Abel for Starscream, Dance Dance Revolution and the mat, Stevie for the funky fresh Pumas, Mina for the beautiful Lia Sophia bracelet (is a piece of jewelry named "After Party" meant for me or what), Tony for the Patron, my dad for the iPod Video, G for bringing over lots of her infamous carbonara, Matt and Ray for the awesome dinner and wine at Spice Market, the people who sent birthday texts even from Turkey and Australia and Maz for calling me up and going "Whooooo's the birthday girl? Whooooo's the birthday girl??" Ahh fuck, I can't do it justice in words. I should just make a wav file of it. 31 feels good.

Another gem from Ben.

6. For Abel's last birthday me, Geo, Tony, Steve and Mike got him a dragon tattoo from the same guy who did my phoenix. It's pretty damn awesome. I'm excited because he and I have been talking about having matching tattoos for about 12 years. I want to toss a clearer picture on here but I don't have one (*cough*).

6. Yesterday I walked 40 blocks and 8 avenues. In platform heels. Not all at once though. The first 20 blocks and 2 avenues weren't on purpose, I just couldn't seem to get a cab. People were getting cabs behind me, across the street, next to me, but I just kept missing them. After the 20th or so missed cab I decided I was meant to walk. Then me, Ray, Matt and Steve walked back to their place after dinner, 14 blocks and 4 avenues. I think they think they're still in Sydney. I was just trying not to cramp up or get mugged. When we got back to their building, I swayed a bit partly from the wine but mostly from the heels and threw my arm out to brace myself against the wall. Except at the same time, some guy came out of the elevator and I had just blocked his way. He stared at me, I stared at him, Ray, Matt and Steve stared at the both of us and then eventually I realized what I was doing and removed my arm. Later on I said I was just being the Fashion Police, the guy was wearing a purple shirt with flowers AND stripes for God's sake.

Yes, I am New Jersey's answer to Michelangelo.

Thoughts On A Friday Night

Thoughts On A Friday Night

I assume it's counter-productive to be riding your exercise bike while eating a Rainbow Twizzler.

Rainbow Twizzlers rock your mom, seriously.

I love women with breast implants, they always invite people to feel them. It's like you're a lesbian for 8 seconds.

Chris Rock makes me laugh.

"There's a white, one-legged busboy in here that
wouldn't trade places with ME. And I'm RICH."

Conversations with kids are fun. I recently had one with Faithie that went like this:

Faithie: I have to call Ninong Abel.
Me: You can't honey, he's on an airplane right now.
Faithie: I want to go on an airplane.
Me: Really, where do you want to go?
Faithie: To Australia.
Me: What are you going to see in Australia?
Faithie: The ocean. And boats. Boats go in the water.
Me: That's true. What about airplanes?
Faithie: They fly in the sky.
Me: What else flies in the sky?
Faithie: Helicopters. And Superman.
Me: Who else flies?
Faithie: Martian Manhunter. And Wonder Woman. But not Batman. Batman has to run.

Incidentally, neither of my children will respond to their real names anymore. I believe they want to legally change their names to "Wonder Woman" and "Martian Manhunter."

It's birthday season. Birthdays often depress people but I don't get this. Birthdays mark another year you didn't get hit by a bus. What's depressing about that?

I expected Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to be a lot better than it was. If you don't read comics (thus not caring about whether or not the movie stays true to storylines) and liked the first one, the second one is pretty much the same thing with better effects. But it's the Silver Surfer for God's sake, I was expecting the movie to be on par with Spiderman 2 and Batman Begins. And they already miscast Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, despite the fact that Sue Storm is supposed to be the All-American blond, blue-eyed girl next door. The dye job and contacts didn't magically fix things.

The Transformers trailer they showed was hot though, Starscream looked awesome. He'll probably stay awesome until he opens his mouth.

"I'd Love To Shoot You Sometime."

"I'd Love To Shoot You Sometime."

I finally saw Spiderman 3 a couple of nights ago. It was the worst movie I've seen in a long time. And you have to understand, I have a low, low, LOW threshold for movies I consider crap. Some of you may remember my "17 Movies I Shouldn't Admit Publicly To Liking" list from a few years back. The list has only grown longer with the addition of movies like The Princess Diaries, Bring It On 3, Honey and Take the Lead. Wait, let me rephrase that. The list has only grown longer with the addition of movies like The Princess Diaries, Bring It On 3, Honey and pretty much every movie with the words "starring Antonio Banderas" on it. With the exception of Desperado and Shrek 2, which most can agree are actually good movies.

Anyway, back to the two hours of cinematic crap I forced myself to endure out of sheer blind faith that the movie HAD to get better because dammit, it was Spiderman 3 and the first two were so good. The movie was so bad that I don't even want the $11 and two hours of my life back. It's a worthwhile price to pay for the benefit of being able to tell everyone and their mother how shitty this movie was. There's a line where Peter Parker said "I'd love to shoot you sometime" to some broad and I was compelled to say aloud "Yes please. Shoot me, shoot me right now so I don't have to finish watching this travesty of movie production."

If you want actual specifics as to what made it so bad (besides generalizations like the dialogue, acting, plot, and changes to the comic book storyline) I really can't give them. Much like the time I peed in my pants outside the gym in junior high school, I have blocked the movie from my mind in order to move on.

Monday night edit: Courtesy of Ben Lee, this "commercial" for Spider-Man 3 toys is hilarious.

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Volume 22

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Volume 22

The download is available here.

In Steve Irwin's honor, last night's musical theme was "Songs That Have Some Sort of Animal In The Title." Yeah I know that's lame but I don't have any Fosters. Or Tim-Tams. If I had any Tim-Tams I would eat one or twelve in his honor. Incidentally, I don't understand the smugness some people feel over his death. Yes he worked with dangerous animals but he did so for a cause, to teach people about them. To let people know why humans should give a shit about conserving their environment. He didn't say, jump out of a perfectly good plane for a momentary high. Or jump off a bridge while still attached to it by a springy cord, just to feel young again. Unlike most of us who just take what we need without a thought to anything but our own little worlds, he actually gave a crap about something larger. What's wrong with that? Okay let me stop, I'm starting to not sound like the evil Republican we all know I am.

Incidentally, it is amusing though to see some people say "I told you so" as if there were more than a handful of documented cases of death by stingray in the last hundred years. Then again these are probably from people who don't really know what one is and just think "Oooh a stingray, sounds scary."

The show was mostly useless commentary, as usual. Of course. I did speak about the first ever Lifetime movie I watched and enjoyed, but it's on wife swapping and so deserves its own post. Smartypants asked in the chatroom if I would bang Angelina Jolie, which led to me trying to update my "Top 10 Women" list on air. I gave up though and said I would just post it on here after some thought. So here it is:

Updated Top 10 List of Women (L-R)

1. Emmanuelle Beart (French actress, Tom Cruise's lead co-star in Mission Impossible)
2. Oxana Federova (Miss Universe 2002 before she lost her crown)
3. Aishwarya Raj (Indian actress)
4. Jessica Alba
5. Josie Maran (Model, the first vampiress to die in Van Helsing)
6. Shannyn Sossamon (Heath Ledger's lead co-star in A Knight's Tale)
7. Salma Hayek
8. Kelly Hu (The Rock's lead co-star in The Scorpion King)
9. Nik Pace (Runner-up in Cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model)
10. Angelina Jolie

Honorable Mentions: Rachel Weisz, Severine Ferrer, Daniella Alonso, Keira Knightley (after a few cheeseburgers), Natalie Mendoza and Vanessa Marcil.

And yes, I do have a thing for brunettes with full, pouty lips. Although there is such a thing as too much collagen. Kwame made fun of me for not naming any black women at first, when I listed one Asian chick. I pointed out that I had also not named any Spanish women, but it wasn't enough to take me off the hot seat. He may have already sent a complaint letter to the NAACP. In my defense, I just don't think that the "ethnic" women on TV or in movies are as attractive as the ones I see on the street. Kelly Hu is the only Asian actress I think is attractive and she's been in what, two movies. Yet I see gorgeous Asian women in real life every day. Same thing with black women. Sorry, Gabrielle Union just doesn't do it for me. I know she does it for a jillion men but that's probably why I'm not a guy. Oh and also the whole don't-have-a-penis thing.

Salma Hayek is on the list based on her performance as Serendipity in Dogma, but do women who seem to have had surgery to make them look "less ethnic" count towards that racial check mark on my list? You know, how there's a difference between Selena Jennifer Lopez and The Wedding Planner Jennifer Lopez. And would Halle Berry (though she seems like the flakiest person to hit Hollywood and I hate the obligatory Academy Award-giving, she is hot) count towards the black check mark when she's half white and looks it? It's all so confusing, having to add this dimension of political correctness to the hotness list.

Of course, sometimes people aren't politically correct enough. Like the other day some guy called me a chink and I was so offended. I am a Chink-American dammit.

Miscellaneous Movie Thoughts

Miscellaneous Movie Thoughts

1. Cars was really cute. The dialogue wasn't as witty as its Pixar predecessors, but it was still entertaining and fun. I know I was ready to plunk my credit card down for a load of Cars merchandise. And in the end isn't that all that matters?
2. I watched the re-make of The Parent Trap and Dreamer last night and hopefully Dakota Fanning doesn't take the Lindsey Lohan route to adulthood. Or the Drew Barrymore route. Or the MacCauley Culkin route. Dakota Fanning just might be my favorite actress right now.
3. Also, Meg Ryan is on crack because Dennis Quaid is about a hundred times hotter than Russell Crowe AND he doesn't have a rash on his penis.
4. The funniest line in Grandma's Boy is "My cock is lost in the jungle Lara (Croft) and it's up to you to find it." The second funniest is "Dude I can't believe you came on my mom. You might just be the biggest perv in the world right now."
5. For every actor/actress that normally annoys me there's at least one of their movies that I like. For Tom Cruise it's Top Gun. For Julia Roberts it's Notting Hill. For Jennifer Lopez it's Maid in Manhattan. Except Brad Pitt. Fight Club was good and all but not good enough to make me sit through 2 hours of Brad Pitt again.
6. It's too bad a blowjob from a drag queeny hooker dealt such a blow (heh) to Hugh Grant's career. Admittedly I have a soft spot for British guys but he's charming in movies.
7. As is Paul Bettany. I've watched Wimbledon about eight times in the last month, just for him. Even Geo likes the movie and Kirsten Dunst is on his list of actresses that annoy him (along with Julia Roberts and Renee Zellweger).
8. It's painful to see crappy chick lit books made into crappy chick lit movies. Also, the phrase chick lit always brings to mind those candy-coated pieces of gum. My favorite were the pink ones. The green ones not so much.
9. I've been bitten by hidden mosquitoes ten times in the six minutes it has taken to write this post so far.
10. Make that eleven.
11. Someone told me that 13 Going On 30 "was a pretty good movie." This person is male and one of my best friends. Maybe. Since he had made a point of saying it was good, I watched it. Now I want that hour and a half of my life back, so I can spend it on something more fun like getting kicked in the kidneys.
12. Comedic acting seems to be a lot harder to do than dramatic acting. I buy a lot of actors' serious roles, but only a few of them have good comedic delivery.
13. The 40-Year-Old Virgin is hysterical and cast perfectly and they don't have any really big names. If you have to say "That guy Steve Carell from The Office, that show on NBC" then it doesn't count as a big name yet. Versus Anchorman which starred a couple of the same people, plus Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn and cameos from about 30 famous comedians and yet wasn't half as funny. It's probably just me though, it's the Napoleon Dynamite phenomenon. Apparently the entire world thought Napoleon Dynamite was the funniest movie in the history of ever, whereas I sat through it and prayed to God that it would be over soon.
14. I rarely ever turn movies off before they're finished but I came close with both of those. My hand caressed the remote longingly many times, but I kept thinking the movie had to get better because there was no way it could get worse. Foolish, optimistic child.
15. Many movie fans with limited resources pounce on "Buy 2 Get 1 Free" previously-owned DVD sales. Yet a by-product of this is that sometimes you end up with DVDs you eventually lose the desire to watch, even once. Kingdom of Dreams has been sitting on my shelf for months. I recently removed it from the "newer DVDs" section of my shelf to its permanent spot in alphabetical order, and yet I haven't watched it.
16. I watch Hocus Pocus and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas year-round.
17. Like Water For Chocolate, Eat Drink Man Woman, Chocolate, Babette's Feast and even Simply Irresistible are all great, but we really need more movies about food.
18. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was one of the more original and bizarre movies I've ever seen. Yet realistic in its portrayal of love. Love is giddiness, sunshine and roses, walks on the beach and mad dashes through the airport to declare your feelings. But it's also rage and despair, insecurity, cruelty and confusion. Most of the time it's comfort, laughter, compromise and a natural instinct to gravitate towards each other. But every so often the uglier human emotions rear their ugly heads and can only be purged through screaming matches, tears, flying cell phones and make-up sex.
19. My checklist for whether or not I like a movie is pretty simple. "Was there action?" "If no, did things at least get blown up?" "If no, did anyone have superpowers?" "If no, is it at least a funny movie?" "If no, is it gay like Maid of Manhattan or Notting Hill?" (Because then I'll probably like it.)
20. My Top 10 list of favorite movies changes as I watch more and forget about others but currently it stands as (in no particular order):

Top Gun
Tombstone
Lord of the Rings
Fist of Legend
House of Flying Daggers
Under Siege
Die Hard
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Aren't they making a fourth?)
Empire Strikes Back
Man On Fire

And.... Dreamer. Okay so that's 11, but the last one is the invisible one.

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Vol. 12

Tequila Shots For The Radio: Vol. 12

Last night's show is available for download here.

There was no musical theme so it was the usual hip-hop with some random alternative/rock songs thrown in. And tonight we had some dancehall reggae, just for fun. And singing. I was in a weird mood so I started singing random songs like a crackhead. Which I tend to do a lot, even in public, without knowing it.

Also on the agenda, was a Skype interview with Cris and Alix from The Chaos Radio Show. They want me to make sure people know they are both heterosexual, since I kept asking them gay questions. And badgering them to answer.

-Alix tells a not-for-the-faint-hearted real life anal story.
-Cris explains why he couldn't suck a dick.
-Alix names his top 5 guys after I give him the requisite disclaimer. He gets extra props for having Val Kilmer on the list. Tombstone Val Kilmer, not fruity At First Sight Val Kilmer.
-Cris starts having technical difficulties but not before he lets us know that Bruce Willis is his main man.
-I announce that if some guy wanted to bang my husband in the ass for a million dollars, I would throw Geo at him and be like "You better suck it up for an hour!" (I love you Geo.)

(You have to listen to it, the interview is freaking hysterical.)

Never got a chance to discuss MY Top 5 laminated list of guys, which is always a fun topic since it changes pretty frequently. A good dream will knock someone off my line-up and replace him with someone questionable.

As it stands the list is at... well, them:

(L-R) Jesse L Martin, Julian McMahon, Josh Lucas, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Michael Vartan

Honorable mentions:

Jason Momoa (He's allegedly young but still hot.)
Cillian Murphy (Since he just made an appearance in one of my dreams.)
Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy Patrick Dempsey not Can't Buy Me Love Patrick Dempsey. He and Josh Lucas would be the Sweet Home Alabama threesome.)
Ioan Gruffudd (He and Julian McMahon could be the Fantastic Four threesome. Or Julian McMahon and Jessica Alba.)

Extra Extra Read All About It

Extra Extra Read All About It

I just received an e-mail from Kwame with four words... "Please make it stop." The it in question is Paris Hilton making a new hip-hop reggae record. Being that I lack 99% of the Hilton family fortune, I am unfortunately, unable to make "it" stop. I can however, re-write the article on here and hope it magically replaces the old one somehow.

Paris Hilton Plans Reggae, Hip Hop Album

HONG KONG (AP) - Paris Hilton says her upcoming album will be a mix of reggae, pop and hip-hop, with the first single being a reggae song called "I'm A Twat."

Hilton will also do a remake of the Beck song "Loser" renamed "I'm A Loser Baby, Why Don't You Hit Me With A Shovel?" she was quoted as saying in the June issue of the Hong Kong magazine Prestige.

"The whole album will have a lot to offer, as long as people don't have ears. I really think the deaf community will be a solid fan base. And even if the album sells poorly, the cost of making it doesn't compare to how much the Warner Group is saving, now that employees can stay at Hilton hotels worldwide for free." said Warner Records CEO Edgar Bronfman Jr.

Hilton said she wrote the lyrics to seven of her songs, and by wrote she means "paid someone an obscene amount of money to take credit for their songs." She also said she had to overcome a penis in her mouth to become a singer. "Would you believe, all I had to do was take it out?" The aspiring singer enthused.

"People have always told me I could sing, but I always had to pay them to say it. Now, people will be paying to hear me sing. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. Having men jizz on your face, asking my parents for a billion-dollar advance on my allowance, paying people to put me on TV, getting fingerbanged by a Miami nightclub... those are all easy to do." Hilton said.

Prestige reported the single, "I'm A Twat" will be released this month by Warner Records and her own label Heiress Records, followed by a full album later this year, which is actually expected to be purchased by the same idiots who bought her book.

Stuff Part 348975

Stuff Part 348975

1. There's an actual conference for women bloggers, every year. I would go except that I'm already booked. I have several conferences already that weekend, one for Filipino bloggers, one for Chinese bloggers, one for short bloggers, one for 29-year-old bloggers, one for mothers of twins bloggers, one for hungry bloggers, one for bloggers addicted to Guitar Hero and one for bloggers whose index toe is longer than their big toe. It's going to be a very busy, very empowering weekend. Already I feel empowered. Power power power. No longer will I be held back from my full potential by white bloggers, tall bloggers, older bloggers, father bloggers, gastronomically satisfied bloggers, bloggers who aren't addicted to Guitar Hero and bloggers with toes of a proper length. Roar.

2. I didn't care about the Dixie Chicks before their "controversial" comments and I don't care about them now. But I did end up reading this article about them because I clicked on some random headline "Chicks move past incident." The only thing that stuck out about the article is that though I sympathize with people who face infertility, it's a tad creepy how rich people can buy twins or even triplets as a result of in-vitro fertilization. It's as creepy as those geneticists who say they can pick your baby's hair and eye color to be whatever you want. The notion of practicality though usually outweighs the creepy factor in science. But not always, or doctors would be harvesting organs from people in comas like it's nobody's business.

Speaking of twins, some doctors did a study and their conclusion is that vegans are less likely to have twins. Isn't that the most useful study ever? It's good they're not spending the money used for that study on something frivolous, like a cure for Alzheimer's or cancer.

3. X3 was enjoyable, but then again I'm not one of those people that needs a comic book-adaptation movie to stay true to the comic. As long as it's entertaining, it's all good. Comics have complicated and often conflicting storylines. It's not as simple as turning a regular book into a movie. No one wants to see a 3895792348 jillion hour movie. Besides, Marvel and Fox already dealt the harshest blow years ago by casting Halle Berry as Storm. There is no way they could ever make an even worse mistake than that. That was like casting Rosie O'Donnell as a Playboy playmate. It's understandable that movie makers want to please the average moviegoer as well as comic book fans, but that move was just ridiculous. I was expecting X3 to be better though.

4. I haven't managed to complete more than 50 pages of my manuscript, but someone else out there has managed to write a book entitled "Is Menstruation Obsolete?" The answer apparently, is yes. I think the end goal is to find a way to skip pregnancy altogether. You just put in your request at the clinic and get your Chia Baby. Add water and watch it grow.

5. Many people have a bit of hypochondria, including myself, but imagine having a disease that makes you feel like insects are crawling BENEATH your skin. Ick. One of the symptoms of the "mystery disease" is that people have a "brain fog" which prevents them from paying attention to things. That sounds very similar to the mystery disease Tom Hanks had in Joe Versus The Volcano, a "brain cloud."

6. Me and Geo have been playing the "You know why you're gay" game from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

Guy: You know how I know you're gay?
Other Guy: Why?
Guy: Because you like Coldplay.
Other Guy: You know how I know you're gay?
Guy: Why?
Other Guy: Because you liked that movie Maid in Manhattan.

Tony got Geo the best though. He said, "You know how I know you're gay?" Then handed him my purse and said "Because you're holding that purse." Ahhh, but the question is, why was Tony holding it in the first place? By the way, I really like the movie Maid in Manhattan. Were it possible for me to feel shame, I would be choking on it right now. It's just that Ralph Fiennes is pretty damn hot.

E-mail from Geo: "You know how I know you're gay? Because you do pilates. Damn, this doesn't work as well with women."

14 Things I've Learned From Movies

Note: There's NO SHOW TUESDAY NIGHT, but to make up for it I will pirate the webwaves on Wednesday night, May 17th 10:00 pm ET only on Mango Fucken Radio! Yeap, right after LOST.

14 Things I've Learned From Movies

1. When you're chasing someone, if they leave the house or apartment you can't go past the doorway. It's like a reverse version of the whole vampires-can't-enter-your-house-without-an-invitation thing.

2. If the movie was made before the mid 90's, the black guy dies first. If the movie was made after the mid-90's then the black guy survives. Even if only he and the main character couple are the only people to survive a nuclear blast that wipes out the other 149,000 people in the city.

3. Nothing will prompt the countries of the world to ever work together for a common cause, except alien invasions and large meteors.

4. All aliens are evil. Also, Russians. That includes the 950 or so satellite nations of the former Soviet Republic.

5. Hacking into NASA, the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, the NSA or any corporation only takes about 12 keystrokes.

6. Non-white people only date other non-white people. Unless they're "Hispanic" women. It's okay for white men to date "Hispanic" women.

7. While holding a gun and charged with stopping a fleeing vehicle, never shoot the tires out. That may actually stop the car.

8. Love at first sight is possible, especially when the person looks like Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp.

9. There are no people of Asian descent in America. Except when you need Chinese food delivered, are holding up a liquor store or are breaking up a sex slavery ring.

10. When someone wants to make a phone call and you want to stop them, you can't physically reach over and take the phone. Instead you have to stand around wringing your hands and wailing.

11. If you somehow cheat death, rather than sagging in relief, remain vigilant for another 20 seconds or so.

12. When diffusing a bomb, cut the blue wire. Unless you're trying to save America as a whole from some Terror, then you should cut whatever wire isn't red, white or blue. Time is unimportant. Whether the countdown is 20 minutes or 2 minutes, the bomb will be defused at 2 seconds.

13. If you cheat on your spouse or sleep with someone on the first date, that person will stalk, then try to kill you. So keep the mouse in the house and those legs shut people.

14. Airports are filled with kissing couples and terrorists. It's like the seventh layer of hell but without the tofu and non-stop golf television programming.

Random Thoughts: Part Nine Hundred and Three

Random Thoughts: Part Nine Hundred and Three

1. Some special news for my sister Leah (who along with her baby son is sick with the chicken pox so send healing thoughts their way): Colin Farrell and his ex have settled their dispute over the crappy homemade pron video she tried to sell.

2. The moral of the story is that some guys are idiots. Well, some PEOPLE are idiots. If you're going to make a video like that, don't entrust it to someone who:

a) You broke up with
b) Is trying to be "an actress" or "an actor"
c) Does not live in the same house as you
d) Is an untrustworthy, shit-eating fuckhead who would sell their own kid if it wasn't illegal

Those are the basic rules for homemade pron videos. So if anyone reading this has suddenly remembered that drunken night on tape shot with unflattering camera angles and lighting, get up from the computer and go get that shit back. I don't want to have to see you on the internet. I download a lot of pron. Eventually I'd find you. Law of averages.

3. Purchased a shirt the other day for 7 bucks. I was happy, it was an orange shirt with the Orange Bang logo on it. Anyone else love Orange Bang? No it's not some kinky thing where you cover yourself in orange paint and have an orgy. Though that sounds interestingly weird as well. It's this drink they have at malls, all whipped orangey goodness. You drink it and think there must be a God, otherwise where did all this frothy perfection come from. Anyway, I was happy until I got back to the car and read the words on the back of the shirt "Are you ready to get whipped?" Not that I have anything against kink but I'm not trying to invite that type of conversation from drunken strangers. Only my friends, blog readers, elderly family members and people on the subway get to grill me on my sexual proclivities.

4. A lot of women complain about how they get played by men but they're usually thinking in terms of infidelity. I actually think it's worse when women (or men but I think it's more rare) play someone for money. Like this idiot guy whose "girlfriend" used him as her own personal ATM then bounced. I read this and laughed out loud, because there are a few guys in my distant sphere who could be writing this letter in the future. Not that I care. People warned them, they didn't listen and so enjoy that bed you've made, the one where the credit cards are all maxed out and there's no money to pay the bills, but damn your girl's new diamond bracelet is cute. It will especially be hot when it's the only thing she's wearing as she blows whatever guy she will leave you for because he has more money. Okay I have to switch topics because gold-diggers are despicable whores and my ire is rising. "Goooooooold diggin' giiiirls drivin' me crazy I can't take it no mo'..."

5. My latest show is available for download here. Listen at your own peril, you know the theme was "Men Who Bought Aqua Net by the Gallon During The 80's." I did manage to slip in a Metallica song, though really I don't remember James Hetfield ever rocking eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. Or having a bet like the one I read in Motley Crue's biography, where Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee wanted to see how long they could go without bathing and still get chicks. The answer is 30 days by the way. 30 days of sweating up a storm onstage, sweating up some more with a different groupie every night and not bathing. Blecccchhhh. People are filthy, crusty creatures. Imagine what Days 7-30 must have smelled like. Okay don't. There's probably a point where the smell plateaus and just can't get any worse.

Pron Tarts

Pron Tarts

I've got BIG THINGS planned for tonight's radio show. By the way, BIG THINGS is lazy person code for "not much." Just so you guys know. I did however pick out a theme that should be popular with about four people. Just kidding, I have more white readers than that.

Anyhoo, the theme is "Music From The Big Hair 80's," a theme that was in fact suggested by my very Filipino friend Abel. Abel, who lives in the hood, rocks Triple 5 Soul and could kill you with THIS *holding up a woman porn tart*.

What is a "woman porn tart" anyway? I don't know but it sounds interesting. It was a search string someone used to find my site last week. Is it like a pop tart? Maybe you break the flaky crust open and in the middle is pron. If I get one I want it frosted. Plain pron tarts are just gross.

"Tartlets...tartlets...tartlets. The word has lost all meaning."
(No, I'm not high but it sure seems like it.)

Frequently asked questions about tonight's show (and "by frequently" I mean "once"):

1. Will you be playing any Guns N Roses?
Yes. From when Axl was still insane in a good way.

2. What about some Metallica?
Musically I don't think they fit the theme but I have "One" in the queue, which is one of the best songs ever.

3. Who was your favorite hair band?
Motley Crue, by far. Their first two albums "Too Fast For Love" and "Shout At The Devil" are hair band treasures.

Frequently asked questions about women pron tarts (and by "asked" I mean I asked them):

1. Is the pron on the inside of the tart or on the outside?
On the woman porn tarts the pron is on the inside. On the man porn tarts the pron is on the outside. Come on, this is basic biology. I mean baking.

2. Would you eat a woman porn tart?
Maybe if it was frosted and clean-shaven and I was really drunk. For the most part though I only like man porn tarts.

3. Who should be the official spokesperson for the woman porn tart?
I would prefer it to be Tera Patrick but Jenna Jamison seems to be the capitalist guru these days. So marketing-wise she would be the solid pick. "Cumin' soon to a grocery store near you!"

American Chopper

American Chopper (Orange County Choppers)

T's friend works for Orange County Choppers, the company in the show American Chopper on the Discovery Channel. So he took us on a behind-the-scenes tour of their facility on Wednesday night. The place is probably one of the best places to work on the east coast. Inside they have a basketball court (taller than regulation and full court), a well-equipped gym, a place where their employee band jams (complete with instruments and amps), widescreen flat-panel monitors everywhere and a photo room in which they hooked up a projector screen and X-Box. To think I was pleased with the dinky little foosball table they had at my last job. The employees who were still there at 10:00 at night still looked happy to be there. I didn't put up all my pics because some of the episodes haven't aired yet.

The truck they use to... I don't know, do things with.

Tony holding the clay Paul Senior head a fan made.
I don't know why but the guy who made it put a slit in
the back that looks like... yeah okay.

Half of the gym. On the other side are a crapload of treadmills and other workout machines.

Where the magic happens.

Magic that's already happened.

Outside the garage doors (I look kind of demonic.)

Random

Random Things

1. This has been in the queue for weeks so might as well post it now:
Husband tries to sell wife's box on E-Bay because his cock doesn't fit.

2. For my last birthday, Aughra got me a nice book and so for her past birthday I sent her something as well. But Aughra deserves her birthday gifts far more than I ever could, because she thanks everyone with personalized pictures. She asked me what kind of picture I wanted and I said to surprise me. Blog Ho told her that I was easily pleased by anything to do with food. This is the thank you picture I got. Aughra rocks.

3. Gmail needs to stop adding new features and let me catch up. The other day a magic window appeared and one of my friends started talking. AIM was off so I had no idea how this was happening. For a moment I felt like Neo in The Matrix. But without the bug pulled out of my stomach. There would be no need to kill any bugs I ingest. The toxic mix of acids and chemicals that are already there would kill anything not wearing a hazmat suit. The candy I just ate has carnauba wax in it. Geo says that's the principal ingredient in the car wax he uses.

4. Geo and I watched V for Vendetta tonight on our date. It makes me laugh to go to movies as an adult, because I remember how when I was a teenager movies were a place to make out. Seriously. I had my tongue down my first boyfriend's throat during all of Silence of the Lambs. To the extent that I didn't even know what the movie was about until I watched it again in college. Now however, I go to movies to see the movie and nothing else. I don't attend movies with chatty friends and Geo knows better than to try and get frisky. Unless it's a boring movie. But really, is there anything tackier than adults sucking face in a movie theatre.

V was pretty good but you know how biased I am towards comic book adaptation movies. I liked this one particularly because they actually attempted a storyline, rife with political allegories that could be manipulated by anyone. Also, the guy can throw knives like it's nobody's business.

5. I'm apparently not supposed to be eating anything that has partially hydrogenated anything in it. That leaves water and dirt.

6. Someone is cyber-squatting on my old domain name and will sell it for a minimum of $888. Vultures. This internet thing is out of control. But here are some goldfish synchronized swimming.

7. I also saw the first half hour of The Aristocrats this weekend. It's a documentary of 100 famous comedians or comic industry people who tell this one joke in a variety of ways, all of them obscene. The body of the joke doesn't matter as long as you use some combination of a man, his wife, his son, his daughter and their dog, and act that the man pitches to a talent agency and the punchline has to be "The Aristocrats." As can be imagined, this blank slate is filled with some of the vilest humor in the history of humor. After watching it and hearing jokes about shit, excremental sex, golden showers, vomit, incest and pretty much everything else under the sun, I realized that I am ALMOST completely de-sensitized to obscene jokes. That almost pertains to the child molestation jokes. At least I have a standard.

If I were to tell the joke I would leave off the excrement and incest which is so passe.

A man walks into a talent agency and meets with an agent. "I have a show for you, the greatest show in all the land." His curiousity caught, the agent asked him to elaborate. "Well," the man says "I go onstage with my wife and we both strip naked. She squats over me and with a series of side lunges, deposits a load of menstrual blood on my face. My kid comes over and flicks her unfertilized egg to the far side of the stage, and then I yell 'Fetch boy' and our dog runs over, laps it up and brings it back to me. Then I eat it." The agent is apalled. "What the hell do you call your show?" "The Aristocrats."

(Whispering) Psssst Kwame... Oakland plays the Jets on December 31...)

They Reminisce Over You

They Reminisce Over You
(You know how every so often I have to bust out a song for a title)

Hooked up with my girl Nadia last night, for the first time in a few years. As to be expected when old friends see each other after a long absence, we ran through our lives, then reminisced about old times. She released a few singles with a group called Iio, "Rapture" (which is a club staple in NYC) and "At The End" but is now working on a different project. Though her former producer just released another of their singles and they're starting to play it on KTU.

Me: I watched a stripper strip to your song a few months ago. It was a bit disturbing.
Nadia (laughing): Yeah, one of my family friends told me the same thing and he said it really grossed him out.
Me: But you know you've arrived when Diamond and Sassy start requesting your song before they mount the pole.

Isn't she purty?

Back in the day recollections:

-How we became friends eight years ago when I worked at the NBA and she worked at Versace which was in the same building. We shared an elevator and she complimented me on my coat (which was faux fur zebra striped by the way. I don't know which of us was more on crack.)

-The time I took her and Mike to this hole-in-the-wall bar in Lodi, New Jersey. The place was packed with bikers for "Karaoke Saturdays" and the regular bartender quit so I was helping out the owner, who I knew. Nadia got supremely drunk and some very scary uber-butch lesbians were literally carrying her out the door (slung over their back) when I ran after them. And almost came to blows with their leader (she looked like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger so she would have pounded me) that kept saying "stay out of this Barmaid." I dragged Nadia back to Mike and blasted him with "What the hell are you doing letting your friend get kidnapped by lesbians" and he replied with "They said they were helping her." Okay.

Incidentally, people kept ordering drinks from me and I didn't know where any of the bottles were, but they had Jagermeister ON TAP. So people would say "Two Jack and cokes please" and I'd say "Um... I don't know where that is so you're getting two shots of Jager." And they would just do it. The owner said I sold more Jager that night than he's sold in two months.

-The time we were partying at Lani's and Nadia disappeared into the bathroom for awhile. The next morning Lani calls me into the bathroom, points to a roll of toilet paper and says "What the hell is that?" It was a regular roll of toilet paper that was now shaped like a cube, with the middle of the roll once wet and now dried with make-up on random sheets in the middle of the roll. But it hadn't been re-rolled. We called it The Mystery of The Toilet Paper and it stayed in Lani's desk at work for a few months while we tried to figure out just what happened.

I love it when you hang out with friends you haven't seen in a long time and it's as if no time has passed. There's no awkwardness, no uncomfortable silence, just people who are genuinely glad to be seeing each other again.

Also, she fed me Indian food. Mike called up when she was on her way over and asked if I wanted to hit up the Indian joint but I told him I was already going. He was pretend-aghast. "You really are a food whore." What, you guys didn't know it by now. I'm not going to have any friends left.

Grandma, 24, Dumbass Britney Spears and Other Crap

Grandma, 24, Dumbass Britney Spears and Other Crap

1. First and foremost, Geo had to take my grandmother to the emergency room after a bad fall and subsequent head injury (she's going to be okay). They thought they may have to operate but the CAT scan showed the injury wasn't as bad as we thought it was, and hopefully will heal fine. Which is amazing considering how fragile she is, at the age of 83. So if you have any spare positive thoughts laying around, send them her way. (Thanks Marichelle, Wilzig Hospital rocked!)

2. Just when you thought Britney fucking Spears couldn't get any more stupid...

"Don't hate me because I'm an idiot."

SHE PROVES YOU WRONG. Yes, that is Britney Spears driving with her newborn baby in her lap down Pacific Coast Highway. But I'm not surprised by her actions, which is sad in itself. I like how the dumb broad blames the paparazzi. Yes, they can be pretty pushy and aggressive (as if I know from experience) but I would think her fear of "danger" would lead her to make sure her baby was strapped into his carseat. What happened to Princess Diana shouldn't make her want to flee instead of strapping her son in. That's like learning you should pick up strippers from Hugh Grant.

3. I missed most of 24 last night, because by the time I calmed down from worrying over my grandma it was almost over. If anyone wants to pinch hit their thoughts on the episode I'd be much obliged. I did randomly see The Hobbit get punked and Curtis put in yet another scene as "The Black Guy Who Doesn't Die First, Second, Third or Fifty-Ninth" and some Russian chick shoot a guy. But I don't really know why.

I did however check that site with the Jack Bauer facts and they have a few new ones:

• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says it's beef. Then it's fucking beef.
• Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
• When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
• If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
• Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
• Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
• In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

3. Anti-Blogger just recently realized one of his lifelong dreams, to be featured on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Fan Art page. His is the work of art is on the bottom left.

4. FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! Justice League: Season One and Batman Beyond: Season One are coming to DVD next month. WOO-HOO!!!! I haven't been this excited since McDonald's introduced its Dollar Menu.

5. Speaking of comics, congrats to Ignatius who won a Best of Blogs award for his comic strip "Dead Guy. The Cartoon."

6. I liked the Super Bowl commercials this year more than the past 3 combined. My favorite one was the "Hidden Bud Lights" commercial with the guy who builds a revolving wall to hide his fridge full of beer from his guests. Then they show the guys in the apartment next to his helping themselves to the beer and screaming "Hey guys the Magic Fridge is back!!" I so want a Magic Fridge. Actually, before I was a parent I had a Magic Fridge.

7. Mike J and I hit up Cheesecake Factory last week and...

Mike: So I saw this really hot blonde at Starbucks. She was in front of me in line.
Riss: Did you talk to her?
Mike: Well the thing is, we met up by the straws (??) and she handed me a couple and asked if I needed one more.
Riss: And...
Mike: But then I couldn't think of anything to say. It was two blocks back to my office and by the time I got there, I thought of something.
Riss: Which was?
Mike: I should have said "I only have two coffees but if you join me it'll be three counting yours."
Riss: Oh my God that is so fricken lame.
Mike: Yeah I know but it was the only thing I could come up with in two blocks.
Riss: You should have said "I'll be here at the same time tomorrow if you're free to hand me more straws." Then after you both laugh, ask her if she works nearby.
Mike: Dammit.
Riss (singing): I'm a better guy than you, I'm a better guy than you.

I have an inferiority complex though because my non-existent penis is "only" 6 inches long. It's got girth though. But apparently, having a huge dick is not all that it's cracked up to be. By the way, I found that link because someone found my site by doing a Google Blogsearch on "huge penis."

I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie (Again)

I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie (Again)
(My goal is to have as many posts titled this as possible.)

By the way, the rock cover of "Baby Got Back" i.e. ("I like big butts and I cannot lie") is sung by The Grand Skeem. There's also a few others out there but this is the best one.

The iPod I inherited recently from Mike has motivated me to listen to more varied tunes. Not all of them good. I have an entirely new set of crappy yet almost likeable songs in my possession now, that are EVEN WORSE. Move over Britney and Mariah, now there's something meatier. But we won't talk about that.

Okay fine, here it is:

9 More Crappy Songs I Admit To Liking
(My first List of Crappy Songs I Like)

1. I Touch Myself (The Divinyls) - This is like the masturbation anthem. As a proponent of masturbation it would be hypocritical for me to dislike this song.
2. The Boy Is Mine (Brandy and Monica) - I need help.
3. Sally That Girl (2 Live Crew) - This song doesn't even have a melody or a groove of some sort. The entire thing is done in a monotone. It's like Ben Stein rapping.
4. Ill Na Na (Foxy Brown) - Sure she's a total skank but Methodman is in it.
5. Boom Boom Boom Boom (The Venga Boys) - As a proponent of sex it would also be hypocritical for me to dislike this song and the next one.
6. Obsession (Animotion) - What song is that, you ask. It's that one 80's song that goes "You're my obsession, who do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me."
7. The Sign (Ace of Base) - I KNOW, I KNOW!!! I'm like three Krispy Kremes short of a dozen.
8. Skater Boy (Avril Lavigne) - Steve, don't get too wet over this.
9. Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-A-Lot)

Okay that's enough for one day, I'm not sado-masochistic. I know what you all are thinking. Take those songs and add them to the 18 shitty ones I already admitted to and there seems to be no room for decent music in my tastes. Bite me.

Moving right along... One of my 2-year-old daughters walked over to me the other day and said "Mani, sa na no. Sa na no" while pointing at the television. Incidentally, Geo tried to get the girls to switch from "Mama" to "Mommy" and thus "Mani" was born. Anyway, she just kept repeating it and I had no idea what she was saying. Geo figured it out first. My little girl was singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" and trying to tell me to put Eurotrip on. I really should be embarrassed that my two-year-old daughter is singing a song that begins "Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday." But I'm not because I'm too busy thinking it's funny. Which will end the moment she can actually articulate the lyrics. Oh well.

I should probably teach them how to sing the new Pink song "Stupid Girls."

Me, Geo and Mike used to go see this Jersey cover band all the time called Love Lies Bleeding. Saw them at least a hundred times before they broke up, they were that good. The frontman and guitarist/keyboardist is now in a band called Lifespeed. Their bassist was in a band called The Majestic and their lead guitarist went touring with some band. I had no idea what happened to their drummer John, so I consulted the almighty Google oracle. Turns out he joined some group called The Grand Skeem, which released an album containing a cover of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." It's pretty good. And so I started digging around and now I have a whole host of rock-punk-ska covers. Not much into ska but I like ska covers for some reason.

My point is I like big butts and I cannot lie. Which is even more fun when it's followed by a guitar riff.

6 Songs I Would Sing If I Got Thrown Onstage By Burly Henchmen
1. "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick
2. "Lost in Emotion" by Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam
3. "#1 Crush" by Garbage
4. "Feed the Tree" by Belly (You rock if you know what this song is)
5. "Bohemian Rhapsody" (The Lauryn Hill version not the Queen one. Though that would be amusing.)
6. "Kailanman" by Jocelyn Enriquez (The song is entirely in Tagalog, I think it would be neat to sing a song no one in the crowd will understand.)

Thanks to Paul, I'm also starting to get into Death Cab For Cutie. I'm not saying I want to sleep in line for concert tickets or anything but if they fell into my lap I'd go. They're listed as some random thing called "art rock" but sound like new wave. Guess you can't call recent new wave "new wave" because it's confusing. So they call it "art rock." Which brings to mind people singing and playing their guitars, while painting. A canvas, not a house. My point is, I can't believe you all are still reading this. Slow day at work huh.

Stuff

Stuff

1. Some guy got arrested for throwing his prosthetic legs at police. That brings new meaning to the phrase "everything and the kitchen sink." The best part of the article is the random picture they threw in on the left side. The caption should read "We couldn't get a picture of the perp so here are some random prosthetic legs at some random gym." By the way, I would pay money to see what happened after the melee was over and the guy was just sitting on the ground. "Umm... do you mind passing me the legs I just threw at you? Thanks."

2. So I watched the Colin Farrell sex tape almost in its entirety and the thing that disturbed me the most (other than Colin's corny color commentary) was the "set." You'd think an A-list actor and a Playboy Playmate would have a healthy respect for the concept of staging. I was expecting candles, satin sheets and top shelf pron on a 42-inch plasma in the background. Instead they gave us BET on a crappy Toshiba, in what looks to be some $300/month studio apartment in Reseda. It looked like her bed was in the living room.

Anyway on Saturday I got this call from Leah:

Leah: Oh my God guess who Mike saw today outside his friend's record shop on Melrose?
Me: I don't know.
Leah: We spent an hour last week making fun of him.
Me: Colin Farrell?
Leah: Yup! Mike took a picture but didn't get his face.

"Hey baby, if my eyes could blush they would, that trash can is so hot."

I searched this world wide web thing a bit and I think he was wearing this shirt. Also, two Thanksgivings ago my friends said if I were a guy I would be Colin Farrell. They said they meant I'd get ass like it's nobody's business, but now I think they just meant I don't bathe enough. But they said Lani would be Jude Law and he banged his nanny, so the moral of the story is that guys are all dirty freaks.

Incidentally, the Tom Sizemore link Popfizz provided in the comments section of the Colin sex tape post was an interesting experience. It was like entering some sort of alternate universe where everything is disgusting.

3. Mike J bought himself some high-falutin new music gadget so I inherited the iPod his company gave him for Christmas. WOOT! He had about 500 songs on there but I only liked about 10 of them so I deleted them all and started from scratch. (By the way Mike, "I Want You" by Savage Garden????? For those of you out of the know, "I Want You" is that song with the guy who talks all fast then says "chicken Cherry Cola.") Who am I to make fun of anyone though. I like these crappy songs remember.

4. We're so damn politically correct these days. Who cares if Gene Shalit referred to Jake Gyllenhaal's character in Brokeback Mountain as a sexual predator. What, a gay guy can't be a sexual predator? Regardless of politics, an Asian person can be a bad driver who speaks no English. A Spanish person can be an illegal immigrant paid off the books. A black person can be a drug dealer with a sawed-off shotgun. A gay, half-black, half-Korean guy can be a non-English-speaking sexual predator, with a sawed off shotgun, who can't drive. Got it? Just like a white person can be all of those things. We're so fucking politically correct now that we can't even call people what they actually are. Soon people will be referred to as "Narcotics Providers" or "English Impaired" or "Citizenship Deficient."

5. Disney is acquiring Pixar which is not much of a surprise considering their past collaborations. But why doesn't Pixar want to make a Toy Story 3? Is it me or is that a no-brainer? Perhaps it's one of those esoteric creative things that I don't understand. I would make a 3 and a 4 and keep on making them until one failed. Toy Story 53, coming to a theatre near you June 2050!

6. Chris Penn died, which is sad considering he was so young. I just recently watched Best of the Best for the first time too, and had a conversation with Min and Geo about him. Pour another one for the homies.

7. In my last 24 post, Tony posted some quotes which I think came from this site. These are my favorites:

• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

I really love this fake guy. Jack Bauer for President.

I Could Do This For Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

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Friday Night At The Movies

Friday Night At The Movies

On Friday night, Mike and I had a late dinner at the Indian food joint we always hit up. Incidentally, if you eat a cardamom pod it is a fairly disgusting experience. Imagine eating a cockroach that has been marinated in Jagermeister and hot sauce then stuffed into a sweaty ass for a week. We decided to catch a late flick and Mike didn't trust his car anywhere except the multiplex in Edgewater. So I called up Moviefone to see what was playing there, wasn't familiar with any of the choices, and handed the phone to Mike.

Mike (listening): I uhhh... don't want to see the uh, first one.

Brokeback Mountain. Hee. At first I thought maybe Mike was still feeling the effects of our night at Gym, but then realized his circumspection was for the two guys having a romantic dinner a foot away from us. I wouldn't mind seeing Brokeback Mountain but not for all the usual reasons. Who cares about blah blah gay rights this (sorry Ray) and blah blah Academy Awards that (sorry pretentious movie critics). I'm just interested in watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal make out. Hey, if there's nothing wrong with men being turned on by watching two women make out there's nothing wrong with me being turned on by watching two men make out. What's good for the gander... It's not a newfound interest. I remember watching The Wedding Banquet in the theatre over ten years ago and getting a bit warm.

But I'm losing focus. So getting back to our night, on the way out the door we saw this in the window:

"All you people who can't wash a dish back the fuck up!!"

Good help is apparently REALLY hard to find these days.

Once at the theatre, we wandered around hoping to find movie posters for all the available features but couldn't. So we spent 5 minutes grilling the manager on each available film, then selected Casanova because it started in 20 minutes. I'm not one for romantic comedies really, but I will watch anything set in 18th Century Venice. Not that anyone else was enthused. Here was the line for "Quentin Tarantino's" Hostel, our line for Casanova is on the right:

Always a sight to affirm one's movie selection.

We weren't even aware the movie existed and thus had no preconceived notions about it, so we both enjoyed the movie. But, (mild spoiler for the three of you who may watch it) I'm a happy movie kind of person. Oliver Platt is always a treat, he's that random actor you like to see in the credits, like Michael Rappaport. And Heath Ledger is growing on me. I wasn't surprised that the critics trashed it, no one threw themself off a cliff in despair. You know how critics only bother with movies that make you want to cut your own throat after. I was surprised however, that some of them thought it was as ribald as the American Pie series. What Puritanical world of movies do they live in. I didn't see a single boob. Not even a gratuitous ass shot. A JC Penney catalog is racier.

By the way, Mike refuses to watch that inspired-by-a-true-story movie about snow dogs lost in Antartica, unless it's "in the privacy of my own home where no one can see me cry." What is it about men and dogs. I mean I'll probably get teary during the movie also, but I also get teary at the end of The Little Mermaid when Ariel hugs her dad goodbye and Prince Eric bows to him and then all the merpeople are waving the ship off. So I don't count.

1:00 a.m. edit - Dude I just sobbed through the last ten minutes of Best of the Best.

18 Songs I Am Publicly Admitting I Like

18 Crappy Songs I Am For Some Reason Publicly Admitting I Like
(Regardless of how painful.)

Since I did this list for movies, might as well do it for songs. I was scanning my 8 jillion MP3s and kept hitting songs that made me go "Who the hell downloaded this shit?" But inside, I knew the truth about who downloaded them. It will come as a surprise if I have any readers left after this.

1. Pretty Fly For A White Guy (The Offspring)
2. Gasolina (Daddy Yankee) - It's only redeeming quality is that it's a song about sperm.
3. Come On Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Runners)
4. Bling Bling (Forgot who) - I don't know but every time I come around your city bling bling.
5. Blue (Eiffel 65) - This song is the epitome of the word "eurotrash" but it's catchy. And for some reason, when I think of it I picture myself ballroom dancing.
6. I'll Be Missing You (Puffy, Faith Evans, 112) - This song utterly destroyed a great song. But it left enough of it that I still like it. And Faith Evans has an awesome voice.
7. Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Kylie Minogue)
8. Move This (Technotronic) - It was the Revlon commercial that did it.
9. Ditty (Paperboy) - He raps faster than a crack addict on a sugar high.
10. Rock Lobster (B-52s) - I think it's the bass line that gets me.
11. Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry)
12. Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) -- And I might as well admit to...
13. Oops I Did It Again (Britney Spears)
14. Fantasy (Mariah Carey) - In my defense I only like the remix with Ol' Dirty Bastard.
15. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey) - Okay I'm out of defenses.
16. Timeless (Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini)
17. Be With You (Enrique Iglesias) - Oh God can this list get any more gay... oh wait, it can...
18. When I Dream About You (Stevie B)

Feel free to add yours. It's very liberating.