Random Thoughts: Part Nine Hundred and Three

Random Thoughts: Part Nine Hundred and Three

1. Some special news for my sister Leah (who along with her baby son is sick with the chicken pox so send healing thoughts their way): Colin Farrell and his ex have settled their dispute over the crappy homemade pron video she tried to sell.

2. The moral of the story is that some guys are idiots. Well, some PEOPLE are idiots. If you're going to make a video like that, don't entrust it to someone who:

a) You broke up with
b) Is trying to be "an actress" or "an actor"
c) Does not live in the same house as you
d) Is an untrustworthy, shit-eating fuckhead who would sell their own kid if it wasn't illegal

Those are the basic rules for homemade pron videos. So if anyone reading this has suddenly remembered that drunken night on tape shot with unflattering camera angles and lighting, get up from the computer and go get that shit back. I don't want to have to see you on the internet. I download a lot of pron. Eventually I'd find you. Law of averages.

3. Purchased a shirt the other day for 7 bucks. I was happy, it was an orange shirt with the Orange Bang logo on it. Anyone else love Orange Bang? No it's not some kinky thing where you cover yourself in orange paint and have an orgy. Though that sounds interestingly weird as well. It's this drink they have at malls, all whipped orangey goodness. You drink it and think there must be a God, otherwise where did all this frothy perfection come from. Anyway, I was happy until I got back to the car and read the words on the back of the shirt "Are you ready to get whipped?" Not that I have anything against kink but I'm not trying to invite that type of conversation from drunken strangers. Only my friends, blog readers, elderly family members and people on the subway get to grill me on my sexual proclivities.

4. A lot of women complain about how they get played by men but they're usually thinking in terms of infidelity. I actually think it's worse when women (or men but I think it's more rare) play someone for money. Like this idiot guy whose "girlfriend" used him as her own personal ATM then bounced. I read this and laughed out loud, because there are a few guys in my distant sphere who could be writing this letter in the future. Not that I care. People warned them, they didn't listen and so enjoy that bed you've made, the one where the credit cards are all maxed out and there's no money to pay the bills, but damn your girl's new diamond bracelet is cute. It will especially be hot when it's the only thing she's wearing as she blows whatever guy she will leave you for because he has more money. Okay I have to switch topics because gold-diggers are despicable whores and my ire is rising. "Goooooooold diggin' giiiirls drivin' me crazy I can't take it no mo'..."

5. My latest show is available for download here. Listen at your own peril, you know the theme was "Men Who Bought Aqua Net by the Gallon During The 80's." I did manage to slip in a Metallica song, though really I don't remember James Hetfield ever rocking eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. Or having a bet like the one I read in Motley Crue's biography, where Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee wanted to see how long they could go without bathing and still get chicks. The answer is 30 days by the way. 30 days of sweating up a storm onstage, sweating up some more with a different groupie every night and not bathing. Blecccchhhh. People are filthy, crusty creatures. Imagine what Days 7-30 must have smelled like. Okay don't. There's probably a point where the smell plateaus and just can't get any worse.