May 15, 2006

14 Things I've Learned From Movies

Note: There's NO SHOW TUESDAY NIGHT, but to make up for it I will pirate the webwaves on Wednesday night, May 17th 10:00 pm ET only on Mango Fucken Radio! Yeap, right after LOST.

14 Things I've Learned From Movies

1. When you're chasing someone, if they leave the house or apartment you can't go past the doorway. It's like a reverse version of the whole vampires-can't-enter-your-house-without-an-invitation thing.

2. If the movie was made before the mid 90's, the black guy dies first. If the movie was made after the mid-90's then the black guy survives. Even if only he and the main character couple are the only people to survive a nuclear blast that wipes out the other 149,000 people in the city.

3. Nothing will prompt the countries of the world to ever work together for a common cause, except alien invasions and large meteors.

4. All aliens are evil. Also, Russians. That includes the 950 or so satellite nations of the former Soviet Republic.

5. Hacking into NASA, the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, the NSA or any corporation only takes about 12 keystrokes.

6. Non-white people only date other non-white people. Unless they're "Hispanic" women. It's okay for white men to date "Hispanic" women.

7. While holding a gun and charged with stopping a fleeing vehicle, never shoot the tires out. That may actually stop the car.

8. Love at first sight is possible, especially when the person looks like Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp.

9. There are no people of Asian descent in America. Except when you need Chinese food delivered, are holding up a liquor store or are breaking up a sex slavery ring.

10. When someone wants to make a phone call and you want to stop them, you can't physically reach over and take the phone. Instead you have to stand around wringing your hands and wailing.

11. If you somehow cheat death, rather than sagging in relief, remain vigilant for another 20 seconds or so.

12. When diffusing a bomb, cut the blue wire. Unless you're trying to save America as a whole from some Terror, then you should cut whatever wire isn't red, white or blue. Time is unimportant. Whether the countdown is 20 minutes or 2 minutes, the bomb will be defused at 2 seconds.

13. If you cheat on your spouse or sleep with someone on the first date, that person will stalk, then try to kill you. So keep the mouse in the house and those legs shut people.

14. Airports are filled with kissing couples and terrorists. It's like the seventh layer of hell but without the tofu and non-stop golf television programming.

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