January 31, 2005

My New Top 5 Guys I'd Bang

My New (Laminated) Top 5 Guys I'd Bang

(L-R) Mark Dacascos, Jason Mamoa, Julian McMahon, Jesse L. Martin, Ioan Gruffudd

Yes, I obviously like the dark, brooding type. "The List" has undergone massive reconstruction since last it was posted. Andy Roddick is off because he's too young. Josh Hartnett is off because he's too young-looking. Colin Farrell is off because he's too pedophile-y. Plus I'm not certain he uses protection all the time, he looks like an "oh fuck it" type of guy. Orlando Bloom is off because he can't really fire arrows like Legolas, which was probably the only reason he was on.

Mark Dacascos is still on because he's hot and could probably kill you with THIS (you can't see me right now but I'm holding up a piece of corn). Jason Mamoa is back on because he's just plain hot. And maybe, just maybe he'd wear that cowboy hat he used to wear on Baywatch Hawaii in bed. No, I didn't used to watch that show. Well sometimes, on mute. Julian McMahon is on because how could any list be complete with out Balthezor aka Dr. Christian Troy. Jesse L. Martin is on because every time I watch Law and Order I say out loud "Damn that guy is hot" and Geo gives me a look. So I may as well toss him up there since I'm already paying for it. Iaon Gruffudd (with facial hair) is on the list because I just watched King Arthur and he was awesome in it. It was actually a good movie, they did the legend of King Arthur without the gay ass love triangle. Literally. Because there was no Richard Gere bullshit there. The knights were roughneck and awesome and the battle scenes were great. Plus Keira Knightley is hot.

I didn't want to post my Top 5 without adding on my "what the" guy. A "what the" guy is defined by Steve as a guy who most women in your demographic wouldn't find attractive. Like his "what the" is Patricia Heaton, the wife in Everybody Loves Raymond. I was determined to find a "what the" for myself, in order to prove I wasn't a shallow person who only likes good-looking men.

Ray shot down my first suggestion, Eric McCormack who I keep wanting to toss onto my list since he's really good in Dream Bed. I knew it wasn't going to be that easy though. Eric McCormack isn't a What The. Carrot Top is a What The. Sean Astin is a What The (sorry Matt.) Kofi Annan is a What The. Then again the people I consider What Thes are very different from the average person's I think. To me, Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCraprio, Carson Daly etc are all What Thes. As in what the hell are you doing liking all these girly men. They're not my What Thes though. I wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole. They have enough poles touching them.

Anyway, I thought my What The was John Cusack or Michael Rappaport but now I'm not so sure. The shallowness is rising up and causing me to go "What are you talking about, you wouldn't do him." So this needs further thought. Sorry Steve, for wasting ten minutes of your valuable AIM time for naught.

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