May 15, 2007

Auto Necrophilia, Duck Farts and Doodle Pro Face-Off

Auto Necrophilia, Duck Farts and Doodle Pro Face-Off

First and foremost, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to Stevie, who turned 31 this past Saturday. Or, "30" according to his parents. This is just a formality though, since we actually spent his birthday doing the Advance Course with Land mark. Steve has said a bunch of things in the past few months that have cracked me up, but a few stick out:

Steve: I have a feeling that my boss is going to discuss our project all the way to Hartford, but I'm really tired. I wonder if I can convince him I have auto necrophilia or something.
Me: Auto necrophilia? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Did you mean narcolepsy like you fall asleep all the time, or are you going to try and convince him that you randomly fall into cars and bang dead people?
Steve: Oh yeah, that one.

Abel: Here is one of those coins we were telling you about, the Sacajaweas.
Steve: Did you just say "Sack of Jews?"

Steve: Isn't there some our lady saint about that, assumption or something?
Me: Hahahaha Do you mean "Our Lady of Ascension?" I'm fucking dying.
Steve: Yeah that one!
Me: No no, I like the other one so much better.
Steve: Like, "Ed thought we were going to a club. I think he was praying to "Our Lady of Assumption."

Mike: I don't know if I can go. Who's going to be there?
Me: Remember how I told you that you weren't my only Jewish friend? They're going to be there.
Steve: You should come and then you guys can be all Pro-Jew together.
Me: That makes me think of how high school athletes get named to the "All-America All-Team" thing. "And introducing Mike J, two-guard, All-Jew All Team."
Mike: Did you know there's a Jewish Sports Hall of Fame?

Dude, I would so be fired if I were a radio personality. That shit is OUT OF CONTROL. We're on a slippery slope, firing people for politically incorrect jokes. I personally find the censorship of those people far more offensive than anything they said. Moving on.

To the person who found my blog by typing in "I have a big bug and I cannot lie": HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! What song are you looking for? You insect brothas can't deny. When a queen walks in with an itty bitty waist and antennae in your face you get STUNG!

The other day, I was standing in front of Abel, who was sitting on the couch, and I farted. Which is fine except that it sounded like a quack. And Abel looked at me and said, "Do you have a duck in your ass?" Yes. I play kinky sex games with poultry. One thing that bothers me is that it was pretty cool to quack out of my ass and I'm not certain I can ever re-create the sound.

Steve and I have a new hobby, which we enrolled Abel into playing. It's called "Doodle Pro Face-Off" and it is intense. We take the two Fisher-Price drawing boards that Kwame gave the girls, and a stack of vocabulary flash cards. At the count of three we turn over one of the cards and try to draw the word. Whoever finishes first wins, but his or her picture has to look more realistic than the other person's. So far my record is like 4-1 versus Abel and 1297-3 versus Steve. I am the undisputed Queen of Doodle Pro Face-off.

(L-R) Mine are the top 3 on the left (tiger, cat, pig) versus Steve and
the bottom one on the right (cow) versus Abe

The game can also be played as a drinking game, H-O-R-S-E style. After each loss you get a letter and after the word is complete you drink. Our word was "cat" so needless to say, Steve got trashed pretty fast.

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