March 5, 2002

Root Canals, Applebees and More Cartoons

Root Canals, Applebees and More Cartoons

I got a root canal yesterday. The procedure itself was fairly painless, it's after the 15 injections of local anesthesia wears off that things become really hairy. I was in absolute pain yesterday, hell I'm still in absolute pain. I can't believe how much this hurts. My dentist prescribed Percocet for me but I can't take it because it makes you loopy like you're drunk and I'm at work. I can just imagine people coming up to me to ask for shit and me replying "I'm sorry, you ignorant fuck. It's company policy that we don't comment on stupidity." (Contrary to popular opinion that is NOT how I communicate at work.) So the root canal was mom once told me that when she got a root canal as a kid in the Philippines they didn't use anesthesia. She said this in the wrong tone of voice. She said it like she was saying "Please pass the salt." She should have said it in the tone of voice like she was saying "Pass the salt, then give me shallow cuts all over my body... then rub the salt in."

George went with me to get a cleaning but he has a root canal scheduled on Thursday. I was holding the little metal things they stick in your root canal and trying to get him to let me do his procedure for him. Has anyone else yet realized that dentist tools resemble medieval torture devices?

Me (waving around that root canal needle thing that looks like Ivan the Terrible used it to scrape out peoples' eyeballs): GEORGE!! Let ME do your root canal for you....where's that injector thing full of novocaine...
Geo: Yeah okay, get the fuck away from me.
Me (using my most cajoling voice like it's going to get me anywhere): Pleeeeaaasse? Come on, you won't feel a thing!!
Geo: Peace out.
Me (yelling at his departing figure): Don't be such a pussy!!!

Afterwards we went to Applebee's but I couldn't really eat because the entire right side of my mouth and tongue was numb. I didn't miss much anyways, we ordered the Chicken Fried Chicken but it came with diced carrots, zucchinis and these ghetto-looking string beans instead of baby carrots, cauliflower and broccoli. I told the waiter I recognized a cost-cutting measure when I saw one and that I was adding Applebee's to the list of corporations I've been meaning to write scathing letters to. Actually corporations and countries apparently, because Net wants me to write a letter to Vietnam asking them to send manicurists to the Philippines so that we can get acrylic fills done when we visit there. Apparently there is not one single salon in the Philippines (that any of our combined relatives know of) that specialize in acrylic nail sets. That's a business venture if I ever heard one.

Highlights from Applebee's (besides watching Geo scrawl "Chew on the LEFT and SLOWLY" on my napkin):
Some guy was in there wearing a tight shirt with matching puffy jacket in a color I can only describe as "Burnt Sienna." Remember the crayon no one ever wanted to use? It was always pointy with a perfect label while all the other ones had ripped labels and were round because those plastic crayon sharpeners never worked. Anyway, while we were scoping out the color the guy almost turned around so I told Geo to stop looking over there or the guy was going to think he's interested and come strolling on over. Gay men love Geo. He said his ex-girlfriend's gay best friend once told her he thought Geo had a bit of gay in him. I was like "No you do not, he just thinks that because you're hot and you dress well. Gay men think all hot men who can match are gay. The gay world has the market on good-looking men. They need to leave some for us, the greedy bastards. If he walks over I'm kicking his ass."

George on every single one of his past breakups: "Yeah I cheated on her." (At least he shoulders blame well, if not a tad bit unrepentantly.)
George on 'Sometimes I Run': "This is my favorite Britney song." (Geo is the only heterosexual man I know that can say this and get away with it. He somehow makes liking a Britney song cool.)
George on the dust in our apartment: "You can only take so many dust bunnies before you crack."

So I was watching cartoons last night and there was this bizarre cartoon on. I don't remember much about it except that there was a character named "Double D" which you know was some frat boy cartoonist's idea of a joke and some guy whose head was shaped like a damaged lemon. Remember what I said about adult cartoons being for high people...I distinctly remember hearing the phrases "Never use hot wax to soothe enraged lobsters" and "If we do not find dry land soon I shall have to feast upon your succulent noggin." Somehow I don't think this cartoon was made for children.

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