March 5, 2002

Weekend Roundup

Weekend Roundup

Net's birthday party was this weekend...Happy Birthday Net, Feo and Abel!! *mwah* It was the usual cast of characters... and of course Captain Morgan, Seagrams, Malibu, Stoli, jello shots, Corona Cerveza and like 800 of his brothers. There were also a handful of people I didn't know but I was really too drunk to care as long as they didn't steal anything. Mike and Ox showed up but they were coming from a St. Paddy's day parade and were already wasted by the time they got there. What a great holiday.

Things I vaguely remember hearing:

"I'm this small." *forefinger and thumb held apart one inch*
"Damn's all guys up in here. And all the girls here are blood."
"Is it a sin? Is it a crime? Is it Antioch?"
"If I were on Love Connection and the guy asked 'What would you do if I kissed you good night?' I would respond 'Bend you over and fuck you up the ass.'"
"This is the most flavorful pork I have ever eaten."

The best one was Net telling an old story about her friend Albert and saying "That's right, you're a cherry." I start howling and Albert starts screaming "WAS!!! I WAS a cherry!!!" But I gasp out "She straight out said that shit in the PRESENT TENSE" and can't stop laughing. Albert was displeased with us for calling him out like that. But then he called himself out...while we're still hysterical he goes "You guys made me feel like I'm this small." But the only thing me, Net and Manette hear is "I'm this small" and look up to see him holding his thumb and forefinger apart an inch. I instantly sobered up because I felt bad for him, I was thinking "Damn yo...this guy's about to kill himself because his penis is that small and I'm making fun of him for being a virgin." But then I started laughing again and so did the other girls and by the time Albert clarified what he really said it was too late because we were hysterical again. So to me that was the highlight of the party.

On Sunday me and Geo cleaned up then went to Red Lobster because ever since our friend Todd came over like a month ago on his way to Red Lobster, we've been fiending for it. The food there is pretty good but DO NOT go to a Red Lobster in a ghetto area like we did. The wait is ludicrous and the service is poor. I actually had to walk up to the hostess and say "I don't mean to be rude but you informed me 20 minutes ago that we were next for the smoking section but I just saw someone get seated in the smoking section." She knew she'd totally fucked up so she starts stammering how sorry she was, but I was thinking "Yes, I'm sure your job is very difficult but can you just fucking seat us already??" The number one rule of thumb for chain restaurants is to always go to the one located in a rich area. The patrons there normally tip therefore the service people understand the size of their tips is contingent upon good service.

Howard had Jon Bon Jovi call into his show this morning, and he was asking him if his Ally McBeal co-star Calista Flockhart ever eats. Then Howard asked him if he's ever seen her with vomit on her shirt or anything hahaha. That's foul yo. Calista Flockhart gets a lot of flack for being skinny but I still haven't made a decision on whether or not I think she has an eating disorder. She genetically seems to have a small frame and she exercises a lot. Some people just have insane metabolisms. Up until the age of about 23 I used to eat like a complete pig, drink like a fish and exercise like a slug. But I was still ridiculously skinny, like anorexic looking and believe me it was through no fault of my own. My diet looked like a list of "Things You Shouldn't Eat Unless You Want a Quadruple Heart Bypass At The Age of 20." Anyway Flockhart is short and has a small build so unless you actually see her with her finger down her throat I'm not certain she's unhealthy. She's not like model-sickly or anything. Have you ever seen a model in person? I'm not talking about a picture of one, because the camera adds 15 lbs (Friends rerun moment from The One With The Prom Video or whatever: "Shut up Chandler...the camera adds 15 pounds." "Well how many cameras are on you??") Anyway, models in real life are the scariest thing you'll ever see. It's like Faces of Death. When I was in college I saw Kate Moss once and she was 7 inches taller than me but only 5 lbs heavier. And I was already ridiculously skinny so imagine seeing someone 7 inches taller than me and essentially my exact weight. I think I went home that day and ate two hamburgers.

Anyway when I said "models" I meant real models, runway models not car models. Car models are like that bikini-clad chick obscenely riding a beeper in those "King of Beepers" billboards. You feel a twinge of pity because you know she'd rather be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. She didn't wake up one morning and say "My career goal is to be photographed almost naked with electronics equipment." Car models make me feel the same way. I feel bad because you know if it was up to them they'd be making millions as the face of L'Oreal instead of $7 an hour as the face of Hot Import Nights.

Incidentally, am I the only one who's still annoyed at Oakland for letting Jon Gruden get away?

Something weird just happened with my "comments" option...the word just blew up like 18 points in size. Why did this happen? I don't even know where to begin to fix it and it looks stupid.

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