April 11, 2002

Unemployment and RMP Escort Services LLP

Unemployment and RMP Escort Services LLP

I've decided that although my creative juices have felt dry and uninspired lately, if I don't keep writing I'll reach a level of insanity that is unhealthy even for me. After what was the worst week of my entire life to date, I get back into work Monday morning and find out my company has been bought by our largest competitor. Being that the competitor's headquarters are in Omaha, Fucking Nebraska, it's safe to assume that in 2 months or so I'll be standing on a street corner in Jersey City with a sign that says "Will Write For Food." Now a couple weeks ago this may have bothered me, but at this point I'm more sad about not working with Paul and Mike anymore than I am about not being gainfully employed. I can get a new job. But it's a little harder finding co-workers who make you laugh or smile at least 20 times a day. Usually co-workers are like the ones in Office Space "I believe you have my stapler."

So to stave off my separation anxiety, I suggested to Paul and Mike that we open a male escort service... me being the brains behind the operation and them being the escorts. They're game (even recruited Jim) so now all I need are some venture capitalists to put some money up front for start-up expenses like Armani suits and Mercedes convertibles. I already have the brochure copy:


Thank you for selecting RMP... where taste and male beauty meet and have picnics.

Please select your date for the evening from the following candidates:


Born in Avignon in the heart of French wine country, Jean-Michel (otherwise known as "Mike") is the youngest son of a French wine magnate and his Castilian wife. Raised in Milan but later educated at the Sorbonne, Mike received a dual degree in 19th century British literature and Art History. His interests include mountain climbing, long walks on the beach, museums, opera, Japanese Taiko drumming and karaoke. "The most intriguing thing about a woman are her eyes," Mike has been known to say. "They are more than the windows to her soul, they are the windows to her mind and all it contains." But don't let his romantic nature fool you. His 100% silk shirts and Armani slacks hide the physique of Michelangelo's David (which incidentally, Mike re-creates from terracotta clay in his spare time.)

Mike is fluent in French, German, Italian, Spanish, English, Gaelic, Japanese, Malaysian, Swahili and Portuguese. Viva la France!!


Born in Waikiki with a surfboard in one hand, Paul is the product of a torrid liaison between a local hapa-haole surfing legend and a well-known Italian actress. Although he was raised in Hawaii, Paul has spent summers in Tuscany and Madrid followed by winters in Norway and Belarus. He and his rugby team played in competitions all along the Pacific Rim. Paul's interests include hang-gliding, surfing, cooking gourmet Indochinese cuisine, sketching and horse-back rides at sunset along the water. Although it's easy to dismiss him as just another man with the body of a god, his pretty face hides an incredibly sharp mind. "All women are beautiful," Paul has said many a time. "It just takes a certain kind of man to draw that beauty into the sun and let it flourish."

Paul received his undergraduate degree in child psychology from the University of Hawaii, his MBA from Harvard and his PhD in Astrophysics from Caltech. Aloooooooooha!!


James Frances the Third

A native of Boston, Massachusetts, James comes from a long, long line of blueblood Americans with summer homes in Newport, Rhode Island. As his father and every eldest son in his family for generations have done, James received his law degree from Yale and is an absentee partner in the family firm Broderick, Broderick, Broderick, Broderick and Broderick. His interests include "yachting with the boys," writing poetry, attending the ballet, maintaining botanical gardens, playing polo, breeding racehorses and creating medicines from all-natural sources in his private laboratory. But don't let his "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" persona fool you... this is no member of the idle rich. In his spare time, James builds homes from scratch for underprivileged urban families. And he has the body to prove it.

What better date for that regatta than a man who can trace his ancestry back to the Mayflower? "Rockefeller was what we like to refer to as 'new money'," Jim has often said. "Inheritance breeds gallantry in all men... I always treat my women like queens." Let them eat cake!!

* * * * * * * * * *

You and your chosen date will dine at the finest establishments and engage in your choice of nocturnal activities depending on the willingness of your escort... or the amount of alcohol consumed. Weekend rates vary.

Happy choosing!!


I figure we'll make a killing. Actually, re-reading those "marketing briefs" made me realize we'll need a bit more cash in the beginning for books like "Swahili for Dummies" or "Law Degree In A Day" and "The Idiot's Travel Guide To Belarus."

No comments: