24 (YES I'M BACK BABY!!!!)

24 (YES I'M BACK BABY!!!!)

1. First and foremost, Kim is such an ass. Way to have absolutely no loyalty whatsoever to your dad. I don't buy her newfound computer wisdom and I buy someone like Chase being interested in her even less. Also, since this is my first 24 commentary this season, let me also say that she pissed me off about 5 minutes into the season premiere. "Someone's threatening to unleash a virus that could potentially decimate most of the city/state/country/world's population but the most important thing to me is that you upset my father by telling him of our relationship RIGHT THIS MOMENT. No it CANNOT wait until the threat of imminent widespread death has been neutralized. Virus schmirus." Who am I kidding. Kim is not thinking that. Kim is thinking things like "Wow that mousepad is pretty."

2. I can't decide whether or not Drug Lord Mistress is attractive or not. Something is throwing me off. I'm inclined to dig on her but keep getting derailed by some random feature I have yet to pinpoint. Also, the writers of 24 are staying true to their nature and first making me think she's good.. then bad... then good... then bad. She cares for the Drug Lord. No she's just banging him for money. No, she loves him. No, she's just trying to survive. No, she has Stockholm syndrome. No, he's her lobster. See? I'm all fucking confused.

3. Chapelle is such a cunt. And how is the head of CTU so brainless that he put all his eggs in one basket and didn't consider the possibility that the blond kid was a decoy? If this weren't TV world, I'd be scared that the head of Counter-terrorism in Los Angeles was such a petty, jealousy-eaten sycophant.

4. Am I missing something... How come the Presidential Brother always gives the Presidential Girlfriend these "You white devil whore" looks?? I would think it was something in last week's prison riot episode (which I missed) except for the fact that he's been giving them to her since the season premiere. Seems like more than your average "Why are you selling out" angst. Although coming from a former publicist, his problem is probably the same one I have which is...

5. I realize that it's just art imitating reality but can the President please stop thinking with his dick?? Is it too much to ask that the Television President of the Television United States think things like "How are we going to defeat this bio-terrorist threat" and "We can't afford to be doing perpetual damage control, this is an election year" instead of "Would the Joint Chiefs mind if I just put it to this broad right here on the conference table?"

6. I don't know what it is that Kim's hairstylist has against hair care products but she needs to get over it fast.

7. Anyone else not really care that Tony Almeida got himself hurt once again? Just kidding Kwame. I know that's your boy.

8. SURPRISE SURPRISE... Kim is once again on the verge of getting killed. This marks the 87,564th time since the show's inception that Kim has found herself a bullet or two from death. It's what tends to happen when one goes home with random survivalists they meet in the woods, or returns to the house of the madman child-abuser who tried to kill them. Also... Isn't the love of her life (from last season) in a wheelchair because he tried to help her? She doesn't go follow up on him or anything? Could you BE any more self-absorbed? I yawned at the conclusion of last night's episode. No way in hell are the 24 writers going to put me out of my misery and off Kim.

9. None of the new characters seem decent. Chase seemed okay at first, until I found out he was dating Kim. Now he's just a big walking dildo to me. Didn't Jack ground you??? Why are you still running around Little Boy??? The Presidential Brother is too smooth for me to be at ease with him. Chloe is that girl in high school who used to do the captain of the football team's homework for him. The Spanish guy is your typical peripheral character terrorist (the actor himself will never again repeat the performance he gave in Blood In Blood Out so he should just retire). The First Girlfriend is currently bland. I have no opinion on her except to say that if MY Leader-of-the-Free-World boyfriend kept kissing ME in front of his staff I'd be like "Uh David, maybe you should wait to stick your tongue down my throat until your cabinet members have gone home for the day." And Jack's new love-interest-to-be is so bland. Bore me a little more why don't you. I miss Kate.

10. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is firmly etched onto my Top 5 Television Characters of All Time list, along with Jack McCoy from Law and Order. Spike (Buffy The Vampire Slayer), Chandler (Friends) and Karen (Will and Grace) round out the list. MacGuyver was on there for the longest, until I saw an old episode on TV the other day and decided I needed to live in the now. I wouldn't mind a new MacGuyver-esque series though, especially if he's hot.

11. No they did not make Jack a heroin addict. Had to happen eventually. One can only only be medically dead so many times without needing that extra push.