The Bizarro Awards

The Bizarro Awards (otherwise known as "the Bizarros")

The winner of the "Damn I Want To Hang Out With Him" Award is... (drum roll)... some random guy from Latvia, who was picked up with DOUBLE the amount of alcohol in him considered deadly.

The winner of the "Maybe This Wasn't The Best Of Ideas" Award goes to... (drum roll)... Adrian Castillo Ramirez, a 140-pound idiot who allegedly tried to rape a 275-pound prostitute. The prostitute overpowered him, stripped him naked and made him walk the streets telling people what he had done.

The winner of the "Why Couldn't You Have Just Gotten Me An Ugly Sweater" Award goes to customers of Celestis Inc., who can give the gift of space burial. Is it just me or is making people dwell on their own mortality not exactly spreading Christmas cheer? Incidentally this company has quite a racket going. Let me start up a company that allows people to name random stars after people, or sends "phone calls" to those same random stars. You know there's something shady going on there.

The winner of the "Damn Feminist Broads Always Ruin Everything" Award is the Chrysler Group, who cancelled their proposed televised game of Playboy Playmates playing football in lingerie, under pressure from angry female employees and customers. The feminists themselves took home the "Thank God, Now We Can Go Back To Augusta and Bitch About Golf" Award.

The winner of the "Santa Is That A Yule Log In Your Pocket Or Are You just Happy To See Me" goes to organizers of a Christmas event in Mosgiel, New Zealand, who banned children from sitting on Santa's knee in order to prevent being held liable for any perversions that may occur.

And last but definitely not least, the winner of the "Cats Are Not A Subsitute For Men" Award is... (extended and exuberant drum roll)... Mae Lowrie, whose seven cats tried to eat her while she was incapacitated. Muffy, Miffsy, Buttons, Tigger, Fluffy, Boots and Leo took home the "Sorry, We Thought She Was Already Dead" Award.