Tuesday Night Television

Tuesday Night Television

24
1. So tonight while watching 24 I was reminded of something so completely obvious. Dumb cunts do not realize they are dumb cunts. All along I was operating under the assumption that dumb cunts were aware that they always found themselves in idiotic situations as a result of their idiotic choices. Not so. Let's take for example, my favorite character Kim Bauer. Kim does not realize she is a Dumb Cunt with a capital D and capital C. She thinks she's smart. That's why when she's on the phone with Chase and he asks her to keep silent about speaking with him, she hesitates to agree. It's because she is SO deluded that she actually thinks someone who was a babysitter until a couple years back, knows better than her father who has saved the world a million times and her boyfriend, who at least is a fully-trained counter-terrorism agent.

2. They really threw me for a loop with Gael's innocence. I apparently didn't learn my lesson with Raiza. Take a sleazy-looking guy, throw in an accent and I'm like "TERRORIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *BAD JUDGING-BOOK-BY-THE-COVER-RISS*

3. The First Mistress is kind of gullible. If I were her I would let President Snookums know she was going to meet with her ex-partner, to try and get proof of her innocence. She looks like she's going to be in a lot of trouble next week. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

4. It's good that Jack is back in the bosom of the head Salazar. He needed to shoot up about 3 episodes ago. He looks like he'll pass out if they don't inject him with anything from heroin to Pinesol, STAT. Is it me or are these Drug Lord Bad Guys kind of pansy ass? How many times are you pathetic people going to let Jack play you?

5. So who's dying this season? Let's all place our bets. I vote for Michelle. Or Tony Almeida. Or both, in some heroic suicide pact which solidifies their eternal love while saving the world while providing a public service to viewers who are so sick of them their stomachs turn everytime they see them. Actually you know who my real vote is for. But they're not going to off her, that's just too much pain for Jack. She's virtually untouchable, since they took out his wife in season one. She's probably the only cast member who knows she won't be getting a red flag in her locker come May.

6. I am also valiantly trying to figure out who is this season's Bad-Person-Who-You-Think-Is-Good-At-First-Until-They-Kill-Federal-Agents. Or maybe it's that the Drug Lord's Mistress is really good even though right now you think she's bad. Maybe she'll bang Chase in the end and Kim will cry. That would be a GREAT season finale (which is why I'm not a writer for Fox).

The Simple Life

I know, I know. I am sadomasochistic just for even watching this thing. But I had to watch it at least ONCE. Otherwise how would I know what people are talking about when they talk shit about it? Some thoughts:

1. Has Paris Hilton always been such a Dumb Cunt? I admit I don't know much about her. The only thing I knew about her prior to her sex tape is that she and her sister Nicky were filthy rich. Which makes me think her PR rep is probably the one who sent that tape to the tabloids. Publicity is publicity.

2. Is it me or does Lionel Richie's daughter Nicole not look black at all? I look more black than her. Every white girl I've ever seen looks more black than her. She looks like your everyday white girl, born and raised in Nebraska to parents whose parents' parents' parents were born and raised in Nebraska.

3. The quilting session segment was just plain ridiculous. Their suggestions were lame but what was worse was how utterly they disrespected those elderly women. Every time Paris sighed and rolled her eyes I just wanted to shove a quilting needle up her ass. Are the Hiltons and Lionel Richie watching this show and realizing that they must be the worst parents in the entire world, to have produced such manner-less children? My mom would WALK to whatever poedunk city they're in and smack me across the face if I acted like that to someone elderly. And well she should.

4. I bet the people at Sonic really enjoyed having a billionairess and her millionairess friend come to their job that they have to work at day in and day out for minimum wage, and demean them completely. The sign was funny and the mascot outfits were funny but they acted like they were 8. Plus you know someone else had to clean up the messes they made after the cameras stopped rolling. Someone who makes less in five years than Paris spends during one shopping spree in Versace.

5. It's kind of sad to see them trying so hard for some iota of fame all their own and not tied to their parents. Watching them made me realize just how behind we are in the field of medicine. All that money and it isn't enough to buy them a brain. Money also obviously doesn't equal class.... but that was a lesson we learned with Lil Kim, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Puffy.... the list goes on. Well I'm sure they cry all the way to the bank.

6. They're not as dumb as they act but they're close. They're definitely sprucing it up for the cameras though. I think a lot of the time they're trying to be snooty to illustrate the socioeconomic divide, but just come off sounding dumb because they're not smart enough to know when to pull it off.

In the final analysis everyone should watch that show at least once, so you have someone to use next time you need to give an example of people so utterly brainless you're surprised their bodies are still able to function. The show reminded me of this quote from Billy Madison:

"That was quite possibly the most idiotic thing I have ever heard Mr. Madison. Everyone in this audience is more stupid, for having heard it."