Marital Conversations

So Geo and I had a couple of drinks last night before we went to sleep. I've known for awhile that we can't drink the way we used to. That alone is a given considering we used to go out and drink every night and now we drink about once every couple of months. Separately, because someone has to stay home with the twins. What I didn't know is that all it would take is one really strong drink each. So we kicked back and in the middle of all the laughter, I hit the record button on my microcasette recorder, just so we would remember what the hell we were talking about.

Geo: I'll fix your sunglasses for you tomorrow.
Me: How?
Geo: With a soldering iron.
Me: You have a soldering iron?
Geo: Yeah. Doesn't everybody?
Me: I'm just going to keep this Vicks Inhaler in my nose. It's like my cocaine.
Geo (sounding alarmed): No don't do that!!!!!
Me: Why not?
Geo: It says on there to only use twice every two hours.
Me: Or else what happens?
Geo: I don't know. Something bad I guess.
Me: Like you get high bad or your head will explode bad?
Geo: High I guess.
Me: Like if I keep doing it what's going to happen to me.
Geo: It says it on there yo... excessive nasal discharge and sneezing.. and stinging... and burning.
Me: Then you'll have a burning in your nose instead of when you pee.
Geo: It happens exactly when I pee.
Me: Oh man I hope you're joking.
Geo: Like peeing in a dusty area with gonorrhea.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: (holding up the Vicks inhaler) What would you do if your penis was this small?
Geo: Cry. If it was that small every time I peed, I'd pee on my balls.
Me: No, maybe your balls would be small too I guess. I mean imagine if your balls were the size of a grapefruit with a penis like this.
Geo: So when you'd have an erection you couldn't have sex because your balls would be in the way. This thing looks like a chapstick.
Me: I thought it was a chapstick but then you started snorting it. Damn I've gone waaay over the two sniffs in two hours. What do you think is going to happen?
Geo: I told you, nasal discharge.
Me: I think I can deal with excessive nasal discharge.
Geo: It's only been 90 minutes.
Me: Dude you sound like you think my brain is going to come out my ears if I sniff this.

Geo: Dude.
Me: Dude. Hey you know what I've been doing a lot lately?
Geo: What?
Me: Drooling in my sleep. When I woke up this morning I had to wipe up all the drool. You were right there looking at me, I thought you saw it. I can't stop drooling.
Geo: You've been hanging around the babies too much.
Me: I don't know how to fix it. It's really not the most attractive thing in the entire world.
Geo: Next thing you know I come home and you're going to be like "Da-da!!"
Me: I'm regressing.
Geo: Da-da-da-da... crying just because you're hungry.
Me: Dude I already feel like crying when I'm hungry. Dude your foot just scared me. I just saw something moving in my peripheral vision.
Geo: Dude your foot scared me earlier when we were looking at pictures. I just saw this leopard print thing moving.
Me: What did you think it was?
Geo: Something. I don't know.
Me: Like a rat or something?
Geo: A mouse.
Me: Or something scary like supernatural scary?
Geo: No not something scary.
Me: I thought your foot was something scary.
Geo: Like a-
Me: No!! No "like." I don't wanna hear "like."
Geo: Like........... an ugly foot?
Me: Like a foot with corns? Scary like bunions??
Geo: For real though.
Me: Dude, bunions are scary.
Geo (after a long silence): Oh, BUNIONS?? You said bunions?
Me: What'd you think I said?
Together: FUNYUNS.
Geo: I was like.. "feet with Funyuns" like someone had a Funyun on each fucking toe.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Geo: I'm like dude yo, that IS scary.
Me: Dude you know what is scary also?
Geo: What?
Me: This toe, see it? It's longer than the other toes. Okay that's stupid, one toe is always going to be longer than the other toes. But it's usually your big toe and on mine it's my pointer toe.
Geo: Mine is like that too, see?
Me: Oh okay... no wait, you're making your big toe shorter. You're an ass.
Geo: Look at me I'm trying to make my pointer toe taller.
Me: You succeeded too, you fooled me the first time. But now I know you're a big fake.
Geo: Look, it's longer.
Me: No you're fucking lying, I'm not stupid. You're just trying to make me feel better but I saw it already.
Geo: You did?
Me: Your big toe is longer. I need to go find someone else whose toe matches mine. I need to be with my kind.
Geo: I'm kind.
Me: Yeah you are kind. Kinda drunk.

Me: Dude if I was gone would you remarry or put like life-sized cardboard cut-outs of me everywhere.
Geo: Yeah, there'd be one on the computer and one washing bottles... I think I'd go crazy after awhile though and start talking to them.
Me: And one watching Law and Order... and one cleaning. Well no, not that one.
Geo: And one for the bedroom to have sex with.
Me: Well no, that wouldn't be too comfortable. You'd have to get an inflatable doll and just paste my picture over it.
Geo: No I'd use the cardboard cutout but then I'd get one of those things.
Me: Which things?
Geo: Those things like they sell at the stores.
Me: Oh those squishy fake vagina things?
Geo (in the Finding Nemo voice): And I will call it "my squishy."

And things kinda just went downhill from there. No more drinks before bed.