Important Conversations About Literature

Important Conversations About Literature

Me: Okay so if you could meet 3 of the characters in the Harry Potter series, dead or alive, who would they be?
Aud: Well definitely Sirius Black.
Me: Please, of course. That was a given. He's the bomb.
Aud: I think I'd want to meet one of the really old characters, like one of the paintings on Dumbledore's wall.
Me: Meeting Tom Riddle would be cool.
Aud: Oh my God, I didn't even think of that one. That would be cool.
Me: You know what, I really liked that chapter in Book Five that described how Sirius and James were in school. They were jerks but really funny. So James Potter would be cool.
Aud: Okay we got the same three. Are we just picking the ones that we think might have been hotties or what.
Me: Hahahaha no. But yeah, they're all supposed to be pretty fly. So who are your three Mike?
Aud: Fleur Delacour.
Mike J: No... I'd want to meet Hagrid.
Aud: Okay...
Mike J: What's the name of that girl Harry liked again?
Aud: Cho Chang.
Me: Dude of course he wants to meet the one Asian chick.
Mike J: Nahh I just wanted to know what her name was.
Me: The one Asian chick in the entire series and she's a fucking ho.
Aud: You know????
Me: It's like "Dude, your boyfriend just died. Mourn him a little will you?"
Aud: Exactly. So who are your last two?
Mike J: Dumbledore's bird...
Me: You want to meet Fawkes???
Mike J: Well that would be pretty neat right? He can do all sorts of magic tricks.
Me: He's a phoenix. His magic is that if you slice yourself open, he'll cry on it and heal it. Fine, who's your last one?
Mike J: Hmmm... Weasley.
Aud: Which one?
Mike J: Harry's friend, Ron Weasley.
Both of us: RON WEASLEY?!?!?!?! That dork??
Mike J: Yeah.
Aud: Holy shit, what kind of loser ass people are you picking?? A bird for God's sake. And Hagrid can't even talk like a human. You might as well have picked Hagrid's retarded brother who's all tied up in the forest and that big spider or something.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Grawp!!!!!!! And Aragorg!!!!!
Aud: Yeah!!!!!!
Mike: But doesn't Ron Weasley play all the neat tricks on people?
Aud: No that's the twins.
Me: Fred and George Weasley. Okay Mike feels like a dork now, we have to give him a chance to redeem himself. Pick two more.
Mike: So no Ron Weasley...
Me: No, Ron Weasley stays. Ron Weasley is etched in stone.
Mike: Who's the head unicorn in the forest?
Me: Who knows, they only described one and he was dead.
Aud: I think he means the centaurs.
Mike: Yeah I'd want to meet one of them.
Aud But they probably wouldn't tell you anything important. So it'd be a waste of time talking to them.
Me: You'd be like "Hi" and they'd be like "Mars is really bright tonight."

So then we continue to discuss Harry Potter for awhile when all of a sudden Mike J points at the sky and says "Look it's a skull!!!" And this cloud floats by slowly, in the clear shape of a skull. So of course I yell out "It's the Dark Mark!!!!" And we all bust out laughing for about 5 minutes. The chick giving her boyfriend a blowjob in the car next to us thought we were crazy. Seriously though, if it had been green it would have been the dark mark. I've never seen a cloud like that before. We tried to take a picture of it but it just disappeared. I've also never seen a cloud just disappear before. Crazy ass cloud.

Aud: Okay so Mike you have to pick what you'd be if you were in the books. Riss is an Auror.
Me: And Aud works in the Department of International Magical Cooperation.
Mike Hmm...I'd want to have a shop in Dijon Alley.
Aud: It's Di-a-gon Alley. You don't even know where you live.
Me: What kind of stuff would you sell?
Mike: Wands I guess.
Me: So you'd like be a cashier at Ollivander's?
Mike: I'd own Ollivander's.
Aud: You can't OWN Ollivander's.
Me: Yeah, Ollivander owns Ollivander's.
Aud: You can't just re-write the story, you have to integrate yourself into the story.
Me: Yeah you can't be like "Oh I'd be Harry Potter."
Aud: Exactly. You'd still be Mike.
Me (laughing): What the hell kind of shit are you picking. Like you want to sell pumpkin pasties on the street corner or something.
Aud: Like he wants to be a ticket vendor on Platform 9 3/4.
Me: He wants to be the guy that pumps magical gas into the Knight Bus.
Aud: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(5 minutes later we're all still gasping for air but ready to continue the conversation)

Mike: Fine, fine. I'd be this great defense against the dark arts person.
Aud: No you wouldn't. Because then the Ministry would have already recruited you.
Me: Then you'd be an Auror, a Dark Wizard Catcher. And I'm already one so pick something else.
Mike: Ummm...
Aud: Okay what do you do in real life?
Mike: Nothing interesting.
Me: He sells stuff. Hence the Ollivander's.
Aud: Well you're a fireman too right?
Me: He could work for the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad. They're like firemen.
Mike: What are they?
Me: They go out and fix problems, like crisis control.
Aud: Emergency management.
Mike: Okay I'd be one of those.
Me: Dude we just decided what he was going to be for him.
Aud: Yeah but we picked elite jobs, we can't just have him pushing the pumpkin pasties cart on the Hogwarts train.
Me: I know right. We can't have him selling robes at some store. He's an adult, not some student working summers, trying to put himself through Hogwarts.

Oh man I'm still laughing just thinking about it. And yes, I realize Aud and I are the biggest dorks ever.