Random News Stories

Andy Roddick just buttfucked Scoville Jenkins. Without any foreplay. Without any lubricant. Without even a hug and an "I'll call you tomorrow" on his way out the door. By the way, what kind of name is Scoville? Was he named after the town he was born in or something. Geo felt bad for the guy because John MacEnroe was like "That was the fastest game I've ever seen!" Meanwhile I'm sitting there like look at us. We don't feel bad for the guy on route 440 who sucks dick for crack. But we feel bad for this guy.

So apparently frequent emissions lower the sperm count. Now parents aren't going to be using the old "You'll go blind" threat, they'll be saying "If you keep that up you'll never have children of your own." They should also add "And everyone will know you don't have enough soldiers because they'll see that you and your wife are white but your baby is Chinese" for good measure.

Gotta hand it to the GOP, they have balls of steel. Don't be afraid to throw your convention in New York City, the liberal stronghold of the east. New York City is so liberal you can get abortions at McDonalds and pay for a quick fix at your local crystal meth clinic with food stamps.

Okay Governor Schwarzenegger rocks. He's throwing a big old garage sale to get rid of the crap the state has laying around. Even if they only make like $100,000 that's money for shit that was just taking up space.

Technology and science never fails to astound me. I mean they found a planet that is 300 TRILLION MILES away, using a telescope. I can't even see what's going on across the street.

I think as I grow older I am regressing into hickhood. Because this United States corn maze sounds really fun to me. Not that anyone will actually go with me except maybe Mike. Everyone else has sworn never to set foot in a corn maze. Coincidentally, Mike and I are also the only people I know who have never seen Children of the Corn.

So those little European cars that get like 8756 miles to the gallon are coming to the U.S. Let me just tell you people right now. I'm not getting into one of those things. I don't give a fuck if my only alternative is an SUV that gets 8 miles to the gallon. I'm not trying to ride around in a Pringles potato chip can. Blah blah drilling blah blah oil natural habitat blah blah. I...don't...give...a...fuck. You want me to give a fuck? Build a SAFE car that gets 8756 miles to the gallon.

I want to see the new Jet Li flick Hero. I mean I'm a fan of those formulaic martial arts movies but I love the Crouching Tigers as well. In fact my favorite modern martial arts movie is A Man Called Hero which is full of graceful versus gory martial arts and actually has a real storyline and excellent cinematography. Okay now I sound like one of those pretentious movie reviewers so I'm going to shut up before I make myself puke. Romeo Must Die rocked. There was nothing wrong with Romeo Must Die. And I still miss Aaliyah. Oh and Jet Li is allowed to cry whenever he wants because he can kill you with a pebble.

This article about the militants who took French hostages and are demanding that the ban on headscarves in France be lifted, made me laugh. Actually it was more of a snicker. Why are you idiots surprised that militants would do something like this? This... is... what... they... do. Notice how I used monosyllabic words so that the idiots who are surprised at this move would be sure to understand. Yes it's a bad PR move for terrorists everywhere. But it was bound to happen eventually. Right now publicists in that award-winning Terrorist PR Agency are scrambling like madmen to put out this fire before terrorism gets any bad press.

Texas is such an odd state. One minute they're doing something crazy like letting people have open bottles of liquor and guns in their cars, and the next they do some shit that makes sense. They're trying to combat childhood obesity by serving healthier food at schools and limiting the amount of junk available. I think that's a marvelous idea because honestly, whenever I see obese kids I feel like beating the shit out of their parents. You know there's only a small percentage of kids who actually have some sort of glandular problem. The rest are fat because their parents let them be fat. We were driving by McDonald's the other day and there was this big woman there with her two kids, both of whom were under 8 or so and both of whom looked like they already weighed more than me. And yet there they are at Mickey D's, about to order greasy hamburgers and french fries cooked in lard. If spanking your child is considered child abuse, then feeding your child garbage until he gets so fat he can't fit in the desks at school should also be considered child abuse.

Moving right along... Some guy got his genitals bitten off by a pit bull. Um... ouch. I guess maybe to avoid this, one shouldn't play with large aggressive dogs while naked. It also helps not to smear your privates with peanut butter. Do that shit with a golden retriever or a dalmation or something. Not a pit bull.

So every year, 20,000 young women dance half naked in the streets of "Swaziland" in hopes that the King will select them to be one of his wives. I consider myself relatively educated but what in the fuck is "Swaziland?" I mean I gather it's in Africa, that's the only continent in which Kings want to and can get away with this shit. I mean they could get away with this in the Middle East if they wanted to, but they'd rather cover their women from head to toe. So I'm not asking where this "Swaziland" is, I'm asking what the fuck it is. Is it one of those countries that used to be part of a larger republic or has it always existed in all its obscurity? This can be my Google mission for the day. Tomorrow I will know everything to know about this alleged "Swaziland." I assume I would take the place more seriously if it didn't sound like it belonged in a Roald Dahl book.