Late Night Conversations

Late Night Conversations

(Last night)
Aud: I am all about getting a job in Iraq to help re-build the country. I hope that guy I sent my resume to e-mails me back soon.
Me: Really.
Aud: Yeah, I even read up on it. One part of the country is the green zone and the other is the red zone. The green zone is okay but the red is just a big mess. The green zone is like where all the overseas civilians are, right next to Saddam's palace which is the military headquarters.
Me: So the green zone is safe.
Aud: Yes. You can walk around in a miniskirt there, and not have to walk three paces behind any male.
Me: Wow, how liberated.
Aud: And you get these two guards for security, you know, big guys with big guns and big dicks.
Me: Reaaaaaalllly...
Aud: Okay I don't know if they actually have big dicks but--
Me: Then I just lost interest in this conversation.
Aud: Okay let me finish my story then. So when you're in the green zone it's relatively safe, it's not like you can get hit by shrapnel or anything.
Me: Yes but where is the airport? Is the airport in the green zone? Or do you have to drive through the perilous red zone to reach the green zone once you land?
Aud: Well yeah that's the thing. The guy that I was talking to said you do have to drive through the red zone to get to the green and that's the most dangerous part. In fact, planes have to do this weird spiral thing when they land, like some sort of combat manoeuvre, because they can't land like normal planes or they might get shot down.
Me: I can see now the appeal of working there. Fine, I won't argue anymore. You get that job and you go there and when someone collects that bounty I'll write a book called Me and Aud and go on talk shows and stuff and say things like "She was so sweet, she was the sweetest person ever."
Aud: You're an ass. So anyway, if you land safely you get into an armored car and then proceed to ride for 4 miles or so to the green zone. And presumably those are the longest 4 miles of your entire life.
Me: That's beautiful.
Aud: I guess the green zone is like a bubble. A bubble for Americans and foreigners. It's what makes the Iraqi people so mad, like why are these Americans making decisions for our country and they don't even live among us and know what this country is like.
Me: Because you're all "people with AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades."
Aud: Because you're trying to CHOP my fucking head off..
Me: Well yeah, the rebels aren't trying to kill the Iraqi civilians, what do they need a bubble for.
Aud: There's a $10,000 bounty for beheading a European girl, but $25,000 for beheading an American girl.
Me: Wow... I might just collect on that bounty.
Aud: I am prime beef.
Me: Prime beef?
Aud: I don't know what the fuck that means, I just said it. I am prime time!!!
Me: I am Optimus Prime!!!
Aud: Actually Ray who's coming next week from Australia, he used to always say some chicks may have been hot but they were past their prime. And for some reason I'd always call them... this is really stupid but... "Pastimus Prime."
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
Aud: I know.
Me: That is actually really funny. But then again my barn has a balcony.
Aud: It would only really be appreciated by Transformers fans.
Me: Yeah. Or people with idiotic senses of humor.
Aud: Pastimus Prime. I'm so gay.
Me: Yeah I am too.

(Later that night)
Aud: Could you ever snort anything?
Me: What? No!!! I could never do anything that requires it to go up my nose. Are you kidding me?
Aud: Not even like on a dare?
Me: I don't even like shit coming OUT of my nose, why would I want to put something INTO my nose.
Aud: Even for a dare, if someone were like here's a $100 now snort this tiny pile of sugar I'd be like-- well maybe for a hundred dollars. Okay maybe I'd do it but I wouldn't be able to do it easily.
Me: I guess I'd do it for $100 but I wouldn't be doing it for pleasure for God's sake.
Aud: It must take some getting used to.
Me (after a moment of contemplative silence): Okay what could we snort around here that's benign...
Aud: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my God, that's just what I was about to ask you. I was about to say let's try snorting something. Not like cocaine or anything but--
Me: Snorting like sugar or something??? It has to be something not acidic.
Aud: Yeah something that won't hurt, not like baby powder but maybe baking soda.
Me: Not baking soda. What is a benign white powder?
Aud: Ohhh flour!!
Me: Yes, flour is a good one. Flour isn't going to burn or anything. Alright you first though.
Aud: Dude no really, do you want to go try snorting flour with me.
Me (gasping for air): Yeah but you FIRST!!!!
Aud: No we have to do it at the same time. You seriously have to do it.
Me: I don't know, what if I snort flour and it does something to my brain.
Aud: Like what, you end up liking it a lot and I catch you snorting flour.
Me: No, like it actually physically does something to my brain.
Aud: It won't.
Me: Okay.
Aud: You'll just swallow it.
Me: That's great.
Aud: And I know this because I kissed what's-his-face once and actually tasted the coke.
Me: What does it taste like.
Aud: Well you know this guy said once that it tasted like ear wax, not that he goes around tasting ear wax but you know you've tasted ear wax as a kid, and he's exactly right.
Me: Ear wax? Eeeeeeew!!! That's bitter.
Aud: Well it's just like that. So are we going to do this?
Me: YOU can.
Aud: You're not?
Me: Nope.
Aud: Come on!!!! I just want to know what it's like to snort something. Don't you want to know? Don't you want to be enlightened? Don't you want to be smart?
Me: I AM being smart. That's why I'm not snorting flour.
Aud: Hahahahhahahahaha.
Me: So that's a no for me on the snorting of the flour, but if you want to by all means go right on ahead.
Aud: Oh forget it.

In case you're wondering how I remembered all that, I didn't. I have a tape recorder and somewhere in the middle of the conversations I just hit record. Or rather, sometime after all the incriminating parts of the conversation was over, I hit record.