Yesterday we hit up the Renaissance Faire in New York, since it's almost over. I went to something like this in Cali about 15 years ago or something and always wanted to go again. See how long it takes me to do shit.
We got there about one o'clock and of course, immediately headed for the food. I was hungry and all my friends know I get kinda bitchy when I'm hungry. I can't help it. What Tony refers to as my "hollow leg" needs constant refilling. It's the way of the world. Cars need gasoline, fish need water, humans need food, I need food every two hours. We ate what has got to be the world's best Italian sausage sandwich, then felt bad because that is so not Renaissance-y. It's like how Leah goes to steakhouses to eat chicken fingers. So we picked up a turkey drumstick, the kind big men in tights used to wave around during yesteryear. This thing was the size of my head and good as hell!! Well, actually the first 10 bites or so were amazing and then after that I was like holy crap how much turkey is on this genetically-engineered thing?? Keep in mind Geo and I shared this monstrous "drumstick" and still didn't finish it. The turkey that was left on it could have made enough sandwiches for the Giants' defensive line.
We were feeling kinda parched about this time so Mike went to one of the numerous Ye Olde Pubs scattered around and picked up some mead. Okay, I've read about a million trashy romance novels and it never occurred to me to find out what mead was (I mean yes I knew it's "mulled wine" but what the hell does it mean to mull something.) Anyway I still don't know how the process of mulling goes but I do know now that mead is pretty damn good. Mead will fuck you up. Mead will have you waking up next to some pox-ridden wench and going "Ye Gods, what hath I done."
Sorry, had to take a moment there. I really crack myself up sometimes.
After all the food, we started wandering the various shops and stalls they've got going there. The vendors' "wares" (Mike J used that word about 80 times in the last weekend) are highly wantable. They're the kind of stuff you don't need but really want. Like you don't need a jewel-encrusted sword for any practical reason but it'd be neat as hell to have it. We saw belly-dancers, the Sheriff of Nottingham's thugs beating up on Will Scarlet and a knife-throwing act. Mike wanted to see the chess match using real-live chessmen, but the girls were a bit antsy from being in the stroller all day. So we meandered some more until it was time for the joust.
One thing I will say is that it's kind of lame the way they changed historical practices to allow for modern political correctness. Because Maid Marian competed in the joust. And she won. Huh?? They're supposed to be competing for her hand (i.e. the rest of her in bed.) What was she going to do if she won, jerk off in the Royal Bedchamber. Anyway that was annoying. I could see the win as viable if she was a member of the Chinese women's volleyball team. But that scrawny little girl was not going to be winning a competition where two knights gallop to a full charge on large stallions, then proceed to ram each other with long, heavy wooden poles. Damn. Apparently, the joust is just like gay porn.
So, other than the political correctness, the joust was pretty neat. I was a bit disappointed because I thought it was going to be a lot more violent but I guess that's a dumb expectation considering the faire organizers don't want the actors to actually die.
Oh my God, I almost forgot to mention the funniest thing that happened all day. We saw the guy from that one thing on Conan when Triumph the Insult Comic Dog goes to the Phantom Menace showing at the Ziegfield. Remember that guy that dressed up as a wizard that was eating a Filet O' Fish? "Fresh hound!!!" Yeah that nutcase. He was at the Faire as well. We were trying to figure out if he worked there, or just had a season pass. I'm thinking he just had a season pass, but was crazy so he thought every day was the Renaissance Faire. I did a search on him and apparently he has his own website.
I'm not making fun of the people in costume though because next year that's going to be us. I made Geo and Mike J pinky swear!!! And everyone knows that pinky swears are as good as blood oaths. Thanks to Mike for sponsoring our outing. "This Bud's For Ye!!!"
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