Marital Conversations and "Getting The Pussy"

Marital Conversations and "Getting The Pussy"

Marital Conversation En Route To Dodgeball

Geo: Okay that all-girls school over there is what we called "The Slut School."
Me: Umm, didn't your sister go there?
Geo: Well she's not a slut but she was like the only one who wasn't. Ask her. The girls there used to fold up their skirts to make them really skanky.
Me: You act like you weren't looking.
Geo: I wasn't.
Me: Actually, yeah. You've never really been into sluts. At least the ones I met weren't sluts.
Geo: Nope, although I did date a girl who I thought might have been a slut. So I dumped her. I just had a feeling she might have been doing someone else.
Me: Well that was hypocritical since you were--
Geo: Yeah I was bad back then. I was a--
Me: Dirty little slut?
Geo: Yeah. I heard she didn't take it well. I guess she thought we were going out or something.
Me: Hmm... getting dumped by someone because he thinks you MIGHT be banging someone else, when he's DEFINITELY banging someone else. Yeah I can see how that might be irksome.
Dodgeball Player: Hey guys!
Me: We can continue this later now that we have company.
Geo: He's from Jersey City. He probably knows.
Dodgeball Player: Knows what?
Me: That George was a dirty little slut.
Dodgeball Player: Oh yeah I did know that. My brother told me.
Geo: See.
Me: Well actually to set the record straight, he was just a plain slut, not a dirty one. Because he didn't have any venereal diseases or anything. I would never have hooked up with him otherwise.
Geo: Yeah you would have been like "WHAT THE FUCK is that bump???"
Me: Hell yeah. That's not okay baggage. Illegitimate kids and poverty is okay baggage. Unemployment is okay baggage. Herpes is not. Why did you stop being such a ho again?
Geo: It got old. I got old. Hey, "Dirty Little Slut" would make a great T-shirt!!
Me: Yeah it would. Dude let's go play. We're wasting valuable dodgeball time.

Marital Conversation During Dodgeball

(On the court 5 minutes later)

Geo: Dude I really was an ass. I get embarrassed when I think about it.
Me: Maybe you can write them all a formal apology letter or something.
Geo: Yeah okay. "Dear...um...um..."
Me: Dude just use "To Whom It May Concern"
Geo: "Sorry I played you."
Me: Yeah that'll go over well. Did you see that?
Geo: Yeah! Did you just get hit in the groin?
Me: Yeah.
Geo: He hit you with his ball. He teabagged you.
Me: Is it still teabagging if he only has one ball?
Geo: Yeah, because he still has the other one to teabag with.
Me: This is moot anyway because he hit me in the groin, not the face.
Geo: Oh yeah.

Marital Conversation After Dodgeball

Geo: That isn't the guy I thought it was.
Me: Who did you think he was?
Geo: Some guy I stepped to at the bowling alley a long time ago.
Me: Why did you step to him?
Geo: He was talking shit to my girlfriend before and it went too far.
Me: You've never jumped in when people talk shit to me.
Geo: It was different, she couldn't defend herself very well. She would just take shit.
Me: You trying to say I have a mouth on me?
Geo: Honestly, it's funny as hell when you start talking shit to someone. You really know how to fuck people up verbally.
Me: Yeah I just start pulling stupid shit out of my ass. "Why are you standing here bitching at me, shouldn't you be at home helping your sister shower or something."
Geo: I like watching you go off on people. But I'd stop it if it ever got out of hand.
Me: You didn't stop it when I was screaming at that big guy on our balcony.
Geo: Yeah but that was just too funny to stop.

I was just messing with Geo though because naturally he would step in. The one time someone attacked me after I turned my back, he went ballistic. My anger actually evaporated because I'd never seen him so mad and I (of all people) had to quickly calm him down. That's like a saint trying to teach a hooker how to give a blowjob. And he's pretty hostile when someone tries to cut in on us while we're dancing, he shook his head at some guy once and the guy ran. It would help my cause though if I actually made sure he was around before I started mouthing off to someone. Then again, I figure if some guy throws a punch at me as a result of my big ass mouth then I have only my idiot self to blame. I have Drunken Mouth Syndrome though. Get about 10 shots of tequila in me and I start thinking I'm fucking Superman. In my defense, I'm not bad with that anymore AT ALL. Can't afford the potential hospital stay or lawsuits. The last time I went off on someone was... well like two months ago. But before that it was like 2 years. Unless I'm just having a selective memory episode. I don't think I am though. I've had guys try to hit me before but I'm actually surprised no one's knocked me out yet. If "You know why you guys are in here on a Wednesday night with other guys? Because getting laid isn't an option" won't do it then what the hell will.

Speaking of which, Aud almost got her and Mike J's ass kicked at IHOP the other day. They were at Ghetto IHOP and on her way out to smoke, she accidentally let the door close on some little girl and she hurt her hand. The mom and her friends were talking about going out there and kicking Aud's ass (who had no fucking clue what she inadvertently started) and the kid's big dad was the one who stopped them. Stupid ass IHOP cashier was going to join in too, which isn't in her job description to my knowledge. Mike J told them that Aud (who was still outside completely oblivious) didn't do it on purpose like these people were theorizing she did (who fucking hurts a little girl at IHOP on purpose) and the guy told Mike J that he wasn't going to listen to a word Mike J said because he was "getting the pussy."

Mike (who emerged from the whole encounter unscathed): I told him I wasn't, in fact, getting the pussy, but he wouldn't listen.
Geo: That would have sucked. Getting your ass beat and you're not even getting the pussy. Dude, if you'd gotten your ass kicked because of her then she should give you the pussy.
Me: As a consolation. "Sorry I got your ass beat by some guy twice your size" pussy.
Aud: Yeah, I would have had to give him the pussy if he got his ass beat for it anyway.
Me: What I'm finding amusing here is that these people who are so um, concerned about their 4-year-old's welfare are throwing around phrases like "getting the pussy" around her. By the way, where were they when the door was closing?
Mike: They were in the vestibule too.
Me: So why didn't they stop the door?
Mike: Because they weren't watching her either.
Me: Nice. So they're mad that some stranger wasn't watching her when they weren't watching her either? That makes plenty of fucking sense. Well, I guess it does make sense considering it's Ghetto IHOP. That shit doesn't happen at the IHOPs in fucking Paramus or New Brunswick.

Edit: As Mike J reminded me, the BEST quote came from Geo:

"You should have said 'If I WAS getting the pussy, do you think I'd be taking her to IHOP?? Then I wouldn't be getting the pussy anymore.'"

(This from the guy that never even saw some of the girls he banged outside of their homes.)