The Remote Control To My Dreams

The Remote Control To My Dreams

It's official. Geo has the remote control to my dreams. I mean I'm not TRYING to get laid in my dreams (I'm trying in the actual dream, but not trying before I go to sleep to dream about it) but it's getting kind of annoying that Dream Me tries and can't.

So a few nights ago I had this dream that Aud's brother Andrew took me as his courtesy date to his Homecoming Dance. His date flaked or something and he recruited me as a last-minute replacement. After the dance, he dropped me off at his house where his parents were throwing some big shindig and went back to Boston. In my dream, Andrew had 7 brothers (all of whom are just very random people from the history of my life) and 6 sisters (who I just made up because I've never even seen them before.) Andrew takes off and his brother Henry (who in real life is the lead singer of this band we used to go see) starts talking to me and showing me around the house. We end up in this hallway off the kitchen and he kisses me. I'm like what the hell and kiss him back and then his parents come in and start yelling. They're freaking out and saying "What the hell are you doing kissing her, she's Andrew's date." I try to explain that I'm just Andrew's courtesy date and that he went back to Boston but they keep yelling so I bounce.

I wander around some more and end up in the bedroom with another of the brothers (who in real life is one of my exes). We decide to have sex and start trying, but it doesn't work because his penis is only an inch long. By the way, in real life when I told Geo this part of the dream he said we were "nubbing" instead of banging which I thought was really funny. So in the dream me and the guy keep trying but his penis is literally only ONE INCH long so it's physically impossible because our legs get in the way, and we finally just give up. I end up wandering out onto the patio where yet another brother is hanging out. He for some reason kisses me and I tell him to stop because he has a girlfriend. His girl comes out and says she doesn't mind. I'm like "You don't mind if I make out with your man?" She says no, so I grab him (who in real life is one of my former co-workers who I didn't even hang out with that much) and kiss him.

Right then his parents come out and by now they've caught me kissing two of their sons, going to Homecoming with another one, and they know I was in another's bedroom for like 3 hours. All in the same night. So they start yelling at their son and I escape yet again back into the recesses of this enormous house. Notice how slutty AND elusive I am in this dream. I end up in YET ANOTHER of their son's bedrooms (who in real life is Ethan Hawke) and the guy is kind of a recluse. He tells me he doesn't want to mess around or do anything, he just wants to hold me. So he holds me the whole night then I wake up and go down for some breakfast.

Apparently, while I've been sleeping, the 6 sisters have been busy putting up handwritten signs all over the place, vilifying me for being such a whore. I read them while I eat my cereal. They come in and start bitching and I start going off on them. The parents come in and tell the sisters that they shouldn't be yelling at a guest, but I tell them they're full of shit because they read the signs too and kept them up. By the way, it was pretty funny. The signs were in calligraphy like Ye Olde Notices or something. Meanwhile, the brothers keep coming in one at a time and making things worse. One comes in and gives me a kiss on the forehead, another comes in and hands me a bracelet, Ethan Hawke comes down for the first time in weeks and gives me a hug then goes back upstairs to his room for another three weeks. So then I finally left the crazy house and woke up as the door was closing.

The funniest part of the dream was how much I didn't care what a whorebag I was. I was like a whorebag sociopath. It didn't even occur to me that messing around with not one, not two but FIVE brothers was wrong. Technically though, it was just four because Andrew didn't get anything. Which he was most displeased about when Aud told him my dream over the phone. "Hey, she was MY date, how come I'm not getting anything??" That's like that old saying. A whore is someone who sleeps with everyone, a bitch is someone who sleeps with everyone but you.

And last night I dreamt I was hooked up with Superman (as in the hot Smallville guy not Christopher Reeve.) I dreamt we were in school and shared an apartment. I didn't get any then either, but he did almost walk in on me taking a dump. Yes, my dreams are very realistic. I go to the bathroom regularly and eat regularly. I just apparently don't get some regularly. Or even at all.

There was also something about Siamese turtles but I can't remember that part. Probably a good thing. At least I know I wasn't having sex with them.