Scorned Women, "When Friends Kidnap" and Potato Chip Cars

Scorned Women, "When Friends Kidnap" and Potato Chip Cars

So some woman in Romania ripped off her husband's balls after accusing him of cheating on her. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Note to self: If you ever magically grow a penis, don't bang a Romanian woman. What strength that must have taken. It's probably a result of all the genetic engineering they do in their top-secret, government-funded projects to create the perfect gymnastics team. What's funny is that she didn't even verify that he was cheating. She ripped his balls off just on the suspicion that he was. Imagine what would have happened if she actually caught him in the act. She would have ripped his penis off too and thrown it into the Danube.

Big surprise coming up: I had a crazy ass dream last night.

So in my dream, my mom throws a party for her former workmates. I decide to skip out on the party being thrown at my house and head into the city on my neverending (real-life) quest for the perfect lilac faux fur jacket. On my way home, I go through the old WTC which in my dream is now a building like Grand Central Station, not the open air platform it is in real life. They're serving free food at a cart in the corner so I pick up something to eat then sit down. My former co-worker Melanie is sitting at a desk with Martin Crane from Frasier and a younger guy. They start taking peoples' electrical devices and scanning them. They start breaking apart my pager and camera and I'm like WTF, but then they show me that inside there's a wire tap and a GPS tracking monitor.

I'm like what the hell is going on and they say it's some crazy North Korean conspiracy and that they're monitoring everyone and their mother. I'm in shock but still decide to attend some professional party on the seventh floor of an office building later. For some reason only known to Dream Me, I bring my girls. Melanie carries Faithie and I carry Angelina as we mingle through the crowd. There's a whole bunch of twins around for some reason, boys, girls, men and women of all ages. All of a sudden, this weird plane thing pulls up next to the building and starts ramming it. It looks like a propeller plane with enormous windows without glass. But it moves like a spaceship because it can stop and go like it's nobody's business.

I grab Mel by the arm and we start running down the stairs. I'm screaming at people to get out of the building but they're too scared because that crazy plane thing is there. I'm thinking it will be like September 11th so I keep screaming at everyone to just get out of the building. We get downstairs and the plane thing is hovering outside the entrance. I look over and Melanie is running towards it, she climbs some boxes and is being helped into the plane through a window by the people in it... AND SHE'S STILL CARRYING FAITHIE!!! Geo appears at my side out of nowhere but before he can do anything, I thrust Angelina into his arms and run towards the plane, screaming "No no Give her back" at the top of my lungs. I do a lot of screaming in this dream.

I get to the top of the boxes and they're closing the windows. I stick my hand through a window and hang onto the plane and the people inside (who for some reason are attempting to defect to Cuba) are stomping on my hand. I won't let go and I'm just crying and telling them to give me back Faithie. So I pull myself halfway up through the window and they stick Faithie into my arms, then try to push us both off. So now I'm hanging on by one arm, the plane is about 40 feet in the air so I can't jump to the ground, and it's starting to take off. We pass over a building and I take a breath then jump down to the roof of it, about 10 feet and we're both fine. Then I woke up. And even though the whole thing was so stupid I knew at once that it was just a dream, I still looked over to the other side of the bed to make sure Faithie was there. It was one of those dreams that was stupid, yet fluid enough that your subconscious doesn't say "This is just a dream" during it.

And now of course I'm sitting here like "Oh my God, you think you know a person but you really don't." I worked with Mel for two years, even went to a party once at her apartment in Hoboken and she goes and tries to kidnap my daughter. Like I thought Rose was one of my closest friends in college, but she once tried to get Dream Me to ride around L.A. with her in a car made out of Lays potato chips. Why would someone who is truly your friend try to get you to ride around in a car made of potato chips? One fender bender and you're both gone. Or no fender benders and one Labrador Retriever and you're gone. Or no Labrador Retrievers but a few crats and you're gone. You get the picture.