Perverting Harry Potter

Perverting Harry Potter

I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. Fricken dreams. So last night I had a dream that I was Susan Sarandon and I was a housewife witch with 3 kids. I was married to a mean, fat, Spanish wizard who liked to yell at me and never spoke to his kids. I help my 6-year-old daughter with her homework and then put her to bed, then sit down to help my 10-year-old son with his homework. While I'm helping him we have a big conversation about his weight, because he's afraid the kids at school are going to tease him for being overweight. I give him the old parent pep talk and tell him he's gorgeous and that if other people can't see that then they're idiots and who wants to be friends with an idiot anyway. Yeah in my dreams I'm not very original.

The next day I send the kids to school then go to Hogwarts to sign some paper about my oldest son who goes there. After I get there, I find out that Frances (the oldest son in Malcolm In The Middle, I forgot what his name was in my dream but it started with "Cel") is having an illegal meeting in library. I put my invisibility cloak on (which I apparently carry with me at all times) and sneak into the library. I show myself to Frances and tell him to make sure the doors are locked because the school is on to him and Draco Malfoy is an unregistered Animagus that can transform into a bug. He says okay then starts trying to kiss me (apparently we have some sort of flirtation going on, not an affair but a flirtation.) My son who's in on the meeting figures out what's going on and even though he can't see who it is, he somehow figures out that it's me Frances is messing with. He starts reaching out, trying to find me and Frances holds him back and he just whispers YOU BITCH in my direction. Thank you Nip/Tuck for that storyline.

I leave to go do my business at the school and later on I'm on my way out and Frances somehow convinces me to talk to him in some room off the hallway. I walk into this huge room with 5 doors and it has a big, four-poster wooden bed in it and a table and chair. I see the bed and turn to leave, but he takes his wand out (his real wand not a nickname for anything kinky) and shuts and locks all 5 doors one after the other. I guess my dream skipped over any further protests because all of a sudden I was on the bed and he had taken off my clothes. Okay here comes the great part... he picks up a plate of rice, eggs and SPAM cut up into little cubes and proceeds to dump it on me then eat it off. I SWEAR TO GOD this happened in my dream. But somehow, it wasn't weird at all in the dream and everything was all very erotic. Even though it was Frances of all people. And even though I was covered in rice, SPAM (or TREET) and eggs. The room was supposed to be his bedroom but in the real Harry Potter students don't get their own rooms (which registered even in my dream) so maybe it was the Room of Requirement. As in "I require a room in which to bang my friend's mom in."

The dream all of a sudden switches from first person to third so I'm the real me, not Susan Sarandon and I'm watching them on video. It's supposedly scenes from the next Harry Potter movie, as if it was some sordid soap opera. For some reason I'm expected to deliver a letter from Susan Sarandon to Frances, detailing their sexual encounter but explaining it can't happen again. I enlist Aud to help me but we fuck it up completely (something about not bewitching the pages properly so that only Frances can read them) and they end up in the hands of the deputy headmistress.

The dream switches from third back to first person, now that something bad is happening, because of course I myself can't actually get laid in my dreams. So now I'm Susan Sarandon again and I'm back in the library, in my invisibility cloak, trying to get Frances' attention to tell him we've been found out. But Professor McGonagall is in the corner of the library, in her cat form. She sees through my cloak somehow and transfigures back into her human form right behind me. She tells me I shouldn't be there and that I need to leave because I will be facing a formal inquiry. Everyone in the library is turning to look by then, so (apparently I'm a metamorphmagus) I transform myself to look like Professor Snape and walk through the library. People get confused because the real Snape walks in right at the same moment and he's wearing black and red velvet robes and I'm wearing black and purple velvet robes and have silver and copper streaks in my hair.

It switches back to third person and now it's me and Aud running around a Hogwarts-esque school located in Newark of all places, trying to figure out if what I saw was really going to happen in Book Six (apparently in my dream we are both incognizant of the fact that books written for children actually lack sex) or if it was a dream. We see some girl holding Harry Potter Book Six and ask her where she got it. She says it's an advanced copy. We open the pages and it looks like someone took a picture of each page of a manuscript and then bound it into a book with a nice cover. I ask her if it's only available in Britain, thinking that maybe Ray and Matt can pick me up one and mail it (I guess this part of the dream was triggered by an e-mail I got a couple days ago from Matty who's in Rome, en route to London.) The chic says she got it at Barnes and Noble and that they have more.

I call Geo to see if he can get me one on his way home but he's in class at NJIT, down the street from us. So Aud and I walk to the (imaginary) Barnes and Noble a few blocks away, to go look for the book. There are two copies left, but they're 62 bucks each so we can't afford it. It's 4 o'clock so I tell her Barnes and Noble closes at 11, so we're going to sit here and finish the book. She agrees and sits down and we start reading. I scan it and of course find no sex in the sixth book, so I figure in my dream that the Frances thing was just a dream. Ironically, I don't realize that me sitting at Barnes and Noble is also just a dream. And then I woke up!

That was my third dream of the night that I know of. I forgot what the first dream was, it'll come to me later. But my second dream was awful. I dreamt that Geo and I were at a bike shop and he bought two bikes. He took one home and the whole dream he was learning to ride it on our block. He'd go by at like 100 mph laughing his ass off (and without a helmet) and me and the girls would just watch him from the street. I was silently crying because I was so worried he was going to get hurt. The one amusing part of the dream was that the bike he bought and took home was this puke-green wannabe Ducati without any markings. I don't know why he didn't take home the other one which was a really nice black and silver CBR Fireblade. Dreams are weird. Kind of makes me laugh because I used to love bikes, but now that I'm a parent I'm Mrs. Safety. I used to see bikes racing down the highway at like 100 m.p.h. and think it was neat, but now I just get pissed off that they're risking my life and that of my family with their immaturity and stupidity. Funny how your viewpoint on certain things changes once you have children. Either that or I'm getting old!