The Apprentice: Episode Five

The Apprentice: Episode Five

My sister Leah pointed out that I didn't do a rundown of Episode Four yet, implying that I had been remiss in my duties. I have a good reason for why I skipped out on it though, I didn't watch Episode Four. Geo taped it for me but I forgot to watch it because I read the recap online. So on to my thoughts on tonight's episode:

1. As much of a witch Jennifer C is, I did have to agree with her assessment of Stacy aka Adolescent Midget Chic. Well maybe not completely. She can't be THE most annoying person in the world because I can think of at least 5 other reality TV people that are even worse. But she's still extremely annoying. Give her some time though, she's only 12. In another 6 years or so she'll mature since puberty will be well behind her. That moment in the highlights where Jennifer C made like she wanted to punch Adolescent Midget Chic was funny as hell though. She can't hit Adolescent Midget Chic though, that's child abuse. I would however, pay good money to see any one of the women on this show get punched. It's like the only requirement to be a female candidate on the show is that you be as unlikeable as possible. The jury might still be out on Jennifer M though. She hasn't said much in the last 3 episodes. At first I was like EH but after the antics of these other broads, she's starting to look good.

2. The episode started off on a lame note, thanks to the greedy bastards at NBC. What the hell was up with that UPS thing. How fucking pointless was that? Thanks for making me watch a commercial and attempting to disguise it (poorly) as an integral part of the show. We, the members of the Truly Stupid Viewing Community, thank you.

3. Raj needs to pluck those eyebrows. Period. This is not subject to debate. I don't care how much you all like him, the aspiring unibrow needs to go.

4. Pamela aka Old Cunt Woman started out delegating well but her abrasive manner was a bit too contrived. The "Hi I'm here to save all you idiot women from yourelves" attitude wouldn't go over on regular women, and especially wouldn't go over well on these women, who take it personally if you pluck a piece of lint off their jacket. She also tried to mask the fact that she made some important decisions arbitrarily, by asking their opinions on trivial things. Like she was thinking "Maybe if I ask them what color the drapes on the set should be, they'll ignore the fact that I set the price without any thought to their input." Kind of like when I need to buy condoms at the grocery store and toss in a box of cereal also, as if that will mask my true purpose in going to the store and the clerk will just think I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

5. I agreed with Raj on the issue of pricing. A lot of the women who shop on QVC are bargain shoppers (the rest are addicts.) Bargain shoppers are not unlike serial killers in the sense that they set certain rules and stick to them no matter what. Like if a bargain shopper says "I wouldn't spend over $70 for that" and the price is $71.00 she really won't buy it. They set this limit in their head and even though in reality there's not much difference between $69.99 and $71.00, there's a huge psychological difference.

6. I agreed with Ivana (gasp, hold on while I wait for pigs to fly out of my ass) on the issue of pricing as well. Those sponges were not worth 30 bucks and a shitload more people would consider buying them at $19.99. Also, what kind of idiotic, random number is $27? You might as well make it $29 and get that extra two bucks per sale, because anyone who would buy sponges for $27 would buy the same sponges for $29. Also what kind of idiotic product was sponges to pick?? All the things in the QVC warehouse and they picked that? That place must be like the Disneyland of consumerism.

7. It gave me a fucking headache to watch Lesbian Hair Chic film her little segment. Her nervous energy was insane, she was like a hyper-active 6-year-old who'd just chased some crack down with a cup of coffee. And the blond chic in the studio should have kept her mouth shut. What was the deal with her comments over the walkie? Didn't she realize those things aren't connected to an earpiece? "SHHHHH!! DON'T TELL LESBIAN HAIR CHIC THAT SHE SUCKED BIG BALLS AND THAT OCW IS ON HER WAY DOWN TO TELL HER TO KEEP HER CRACKHEAD MOUTH SHUT!!"

8. The women lost by ten dollars and change. That blows. But the men just got lucky, they would have blown the women out of the water if they had priced it the way Raj said. Trust me. I am an avid bargain shopper and have numerous purchases under my belt, that can only be attributed to psychological pricing. As in $29.99 versus $31.00 or $9.99 versus $12.

9. I guess the producers were banking on the men winning. Because I have no idea why any woman would think meeting John McEnroe and Anna Kournikova would be some sort of prize. Meeting Andy Roddick and whoever, yes. That's a prize and a half. Meeting Johnny Mac, no. To a tennis fan yes, but not to the average female. Also, why the hell is getting to do a QVC commercial live on October 11th a prize? What kind of prize is that? Donald should just take his wallet out, peel off some benjamins and pass them out. THAT'S a prize.

10. Okay Andy is such a little tennis camp geek but I still feel him though. Geo scoffed at Raj's "epic beauty" line, but then again Geo is a member of MPip's "What's the big deal about her, she can't even play tennis and she's not all that" Club. Most men belong to the "She plays tennis? I was just looking at her rack" Club. When Geo first told me about the wager Raj and Anna Kournikova made, about him having to return her serve, I laughed my ass off and thought he had it. A two-year old could return that chic's 60 m.p.h. first serve. But then Raj stepped onto the court and it was obvious that the man had never really played tennis at all. And to someone like that, even a 45 m.p.h. slice serve looks fast. But at least he tried. He was such a tennis novice that he didn't even realize he'd have a better shot at returning her serve if he moved closer. It was cute though when they all started pegging him with tennis balls. I was thinking though, "Where the hell is the black guy? What's he doing?"

11. OCW's confidence that the others would be held more accountable than her was hysterical. I mean honestly, they lost because she fucked up and made an idiotic pricing decision. That's it. That's the ONLY reason. Yes, Adolescent Midget Chic is annoying. Yes, most of the women are back-stabbing and petty. Yes, Lesbian Hair Chic was not the "excellent public speaker and salesperson" she proclaimed herself to be. But the women lost because $27 is an idiotic price to pay for 30 sponges. I mean are they magic sponges? Do they jerk you off at night?

12. Why does Donald Trump walk like Lurch? It's really annoying because he's not tall, he doesn't lack for self-confidence and he's not old enough to be suffering from advanced osteoporosis.

13. Is it me or does anyone else want to reach into the television and bitchslap Adolescent Midget Chic whenever she gives those smarmy smiles in the boardroom. She's like an annoying 6-year-old kid sister who tells on you to Mommy then gloats about it while you think of ways to make her pay by stuffing her into the closet when... sorry. Got lost in the memories there. Her legal crap was kind of lame. First of all, by the time any company could have sued them the show would have been long over so it'd have no effect on Apex personally. Secondly, I don't know why they'd waste millions of dollars to sue when it's free publicity. I think she just wanted to remind everyone that she was a lawyer, or that she was going to be a lawyer when she grew up.

14. "If anything I thought the price was too low." You go OCW. Go down with the ship. I think that was the fastest boardroom ever. What was with her long speech in the end too, ranting (albeit quietly) about "mud-slinging politics" and "factions." Give me a break. You fucked up, you lost. End of story.

15. Trump shouldn't integrate the teams like last season, he should just let the women die out. I personally will cheer when the last one gets fired. The sad part is, any intelligent woman knows that there's a lot of truth to the show. A lot of women in the corporate world do act the way these chics do. It's infuriating. But all you can do about it is swallow your tongue. Otherwise no work gets done because you have to soothe hurt feelings and shit. Makes you want to carry a shovel.