The Never-Ending Supply of Random Thoughts

The Never-Ending Supply of Random Thoughts

1. A couple weeks ago, Mike, Tony, Geo and I were watching Joey and we all laughed because Joey's nephew wanted to see if some chick was his friend's girlfriend for real, so he asked her which did his friend like better, Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi? She didn't know the answer so then Joey's nephew knew she was a fake girlfriend. So I started testing Geo on random things "just in case people try to see if we're a fake couple or not." Yes, I conveniently ignored the existence of our marriage certificate and children, which actually proves more than any trivia question that Geo and I have an actual relationship.

Me: Which do I like better, Empire or Jedi?
Geo: Empire.
Me: Who's my football team?
Geo: The Raiders.
Me: What's my favorite restaurant chain?
Geo: Olive Garden, Chili's and Cheesecake Factory.
Me: But which one is my favorite?
Geo: They're all your favorite.
Me: Oh you're good.

(2 hours later)
Me: Which James Bond did I like the best?
Geo: Movie or actor?
Me: Actor.
Geo: Pierce Brosnan.
Me: Who's the best member of the Justice League?
Geo: Batman.
Me: Who's my favorite porn star?
Geo: Chasey Lain.

(The next day)
Me: How do I like my burritos?
Geo: No beans, extra lettuce.
Me: What's my favorite cereal?
Geo: Cookie Crisp. Your second favorite is Count Chocula.
Me: What show will they be playing in the seventh layer of hell?
Geo: Felicity.
Me: Who were my favorite Autobots?
Geo: The Lamborghinis. I forget their names.
Me: Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. What was my college mascot?
Geo: The banana slug.
Me: How old am I in days?
Geo: Uhhh...
Me: Just kidding. You passed.

2. I am thinking of getting some surgery done. Sorry to disappoint but it won't be a boob job. I was thinking of having the nerves around my "funny bone" removed. Can this be done? Because today I hit my left funny bone on the computer table, then 10 minutes later hit the right one on my daughters' dollhouse. It was not a very pleasant experience. But I was thinking (being that I'm not a neurologist) that since the funny bone nerves seem to serve no real purpose other than as receptors for arm-numbing pain, that I could just have them removed and thus never get that disgusting feeling ever again. Any neurologists reading this? Let me know your fee.

3. I used to type "just" as "jsut" all the time but that magically fixed itself. Now I can't seem to type "because" properly because it becomes "becuase." Why is this? Why is it that I can't type all the words properly all of the time. I just managed to get rid of "jsut" and now "becuase" is here to plague me. Okay, OCD moment over.

4. I think the people over at Lenscrafters hate me. Since I'm Mike's fashion consultant, he recruited me to pick out some new eyeglasses for him. I was on the phone with Aud at the time so I was just tossing out my opinion on their choices without taking the time to be tactful as in "Oh God no those are hideous" instead of "Rectangular frames aren't very flattering." Wait, who am I kidding. I'm never tactful when it comes to fashion. Sorry, just ignore this part then.

5. People keep asking me if I watched the presidential debates on television and the answer is a resounding no. I just don't feel it serves any purpose. All it proves is who's the better spin doctor under pressure. Who can lie faster and with a straighter face. I'd rather consider what I like about their own personal platforms and weigh them against each other. They're both rich, sleazy white men who personally don't give a flying fuck about me, anyone on my block or anyone who doesn't actually contribute money or influence to their political campaigns. So do I give a shit which one can lie better on live television? No.

6. Okay, I realize that I don't really follow celebrities or anything, but how the hell did I miss the fact that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are dating? Maybe I just heard it and didn't care so forgot about it. Until I was at the grocery a couple days ago and saw one of those tabloids with the Jennifers on the cover. Oh man that was funny. You KNOW Jennifer Lopez is pissed. Jennifer Garner is as "hot" and "talented" as she is, but she's also a bunch of things Jennifer Lopez is not. Namely classy, educated, intelligent and down-to-earth (according to her co-stars and friends). You know that's eating away at Jennifer Lopez. Even the least petty people in the world don't like to be upstaged by their successors. I actually laughed out loud when I read in the tabloid article that Jennifer Lopez was mad because both Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's mom loved Jennifer Garner. Although I don't know what Jennifer Garner is thinking. Michael Vartan is really hot. Meanwhile Jennifer Lopez is trying to find a quiet way to divorce her disgusting little rat of a rebound husband.

7. I'm sorry so many of my posts have been in this lame ass numbered format but I really am too tired and too rushed when I blog to segue properly. I have to start working out again. I took what was supposed to be a one-week hiatus and turned it into a three-week hiatus. I can't help it, staying at home with the girls is tiring as hell. I wasn't this tired when I was working 100-hour weeks and commuting 3 hours a day. I need a case of Red Bull. Actually what I need is to do an online search for Red Bull contests and try to win a lifetime supply.

8. The other day I was outside when some unattended kid ran by, chasing a cat. As I watched, he tried to stomp on its head. Now I'm not a huge fan of cats but I did have a problem with him killing one in front of me (especially in my driveway, where I'd have to clean up after his psychopathic actions). I told the kid to stop trying to stomp on the cat and he ran away crying. 4 minutes later he walked by with his mom, blubbering that I told him not to stomp on the cat. She was like "Well why did she say that?" I was like "Well I was trying to prevent your child from becoming a serial killer but if that's what you're aiming for then have at it."

9. The budding serial killer's mom pulled what we refer to as "an Audrey." At least once every time we hang out, Audrey makes some comment to me about a person that can actually hear what she's saying, but Aud says it like they're not even there. A lot of the time this happens in the car. Her window will be down but apparently while she's in the car, people can't hear her, even if her window is open and they're only two feet away at a bus stop. Like the other day we were at my door and some woman walked by with an umbrella even though it wasn't raining and Aud was like "Why does that woman have an umbrella? It's not even raining." Meanwhile the woman passes within three feet of us and just regards us silently. Ray even pulled "an Audrey" while he was visiting us. Our car was at a stoplight and Ray says in his Aussie accent "Will you look at that guy's eyebrows? He looks like Whoopi Goldberg." Because again, people can't hear you if you're in the car and they're not. Even if the windows are open. Aud explains the phenomenon by saying that she thinks the "whole world is a television set which exists for the sole purpose of entertaining" her. No, that isn't self-absorbed at all. I can say this without her hearing me because I'm in the car right now.

10. I have nothing else to say. I just didn't want to end on nine.