20 Lame Reasons I'm Glad and Not Glad W Was Re-Elected

20 Lame Reasons I'm Glad and Not Glad W Was Re-Elected
(1:00 a.m. edit - APPARENTLY I HAVE TO QUALIFY EVEN TO MY FRIENDS THAT THESE LISTS ARE JOKES. THEY'RE LAME REASONS. THEY'RE SNARKY AND I'M NOT BEING SERIOUS WHEN I SAY I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM. I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT IT'S GREAT FOR BUSH TO BE RE-ELECTED BECAUSE I HATE THE TERM "LAME DUCK." I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT IT'S GREAT FOR BUSH TO BE PRESIDENT SIMPLY BECAUSE IT PISSES OFF BOSTONIANS. I DON'T REALLY HATE BOSTONIANS. IN FACT, I DON'T REALLY HATE ANYONE. AM I BEING CLEAR ENOUGH ON THIS?????? DOES ANYONE NEED FURTHER CLARIFICATION? I AM NOW GOING TO TAKE OUT ANY ITEM THAT MAY ACTUALLY CAUSE PEOPLE TO THINK I AM GLAD BUSH GOT RE-ELECTED BECAUSE LAURA BUSH LOOKS LIKE SHE MAKES DELICIOUS FUCKING CRUMPETS. FURTHER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO MY ASS.)

But first, I thought this article was a good one:

Election Will Prompt Democratic Soul-Searching

Democrats need to find a way to appeal to the average, family-oriented, middle-income person living in suburban or rural America. Because they really don't and it shows. They should take this election as a lesson. They really should have walked away with this one. If Kerry had Clinton's PR team from 1992, the outcome would have been a hell of a lot different. Clinton's PR team caused the elder Bush's approval rating to slide from some ridiculous percentage like 83% to 39% in the few months right before the elections. That's amazing. God we're all so fucking gullible. I love PR. It's like a media-propagated orgy of mindfucking.

And on to the show...

10 Lame Reasons I'm Glad W Was Re-Elected

10. Teresa Heinz-Kerry can now get off the news pages and back into the disgustingly rich obscurity from whence she came.

9. Everyone who thought he was the worst president in our history and was so certain the election would be a landslide looks kind of moded right about now. And yes, I only put this one in because I wanted to use the word moded for the first time in 21 years.

8. I think the term "lame duck" is stupid.

7. I like Laura Bush. I think she's got a good head on her shoulders. And she
probably makes really good scones.

6. It pisses off the Europeans. Come on, admit it. You know it's fun to watch the Europeans run around in a snit.

5. We'll get to see more pictures of George Prescott Bush. That guy's got a killer smile. And probably makes some mean guacamole. Damn I love guacamole. I wish I were eating guacamole RIGHT NOW.

4. It pisses off the people in Boston. God I hate Boston. Just the thought of all those Bostonians running around crying makes me smile. Damn, I just laughed out loud thinking about it.

3. Because of porn. Yeah I know that doesn't make sense. But porn is a great reason to be glad about anything really.

2. Two words: Michael Moore. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Stupid fat white man. I hope you don't choke on that big fat cheeseburger you're probably stuffing into your face even as you reach for another.

1. Ben Affleck, Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Brad Pitt, PUFFY (really Puffy?? You're going to try and convince me you actually have the mental capacity to understand any of the campaign issues??) have to deal with the fact that their political opinions don't matter shit the majority of American voters. Go back to your diamond bathtubs and stop speaking for people who make less in one year than you do in one minute. We pay you to make movies and music, not to pretend like anything you think actually matters. It also helps that Bill Clinton is probably thinking deep in the recesses of his mind that he contributed to this by being such a sleaze.


10 Lame Reasons I'm Not Glad W Was Re-Elected

10. Now we have to listen to four more years of his press conferences. Ever since people started making a big deal out of his verbal snafus, he's limited himself to rehearsed and repetitive responses.

9. Both sides will now be spouting the phrase "weapons of mass destruction" every few sentences, making me want to rip my ears off and throw them into the street.

8. He smirks too much. Even when he's not smirking he looks like he's smirking. Makes one want to slap it off with a brick.

7. Now the world is going to whine even more. Whine whine moan moan bitch bitch in about a hundred different languages. Wonderful. Just what we needed in life. More whining.

6. The Republicans are going to get smarmy and try to push for too much. This is going to make for some particularly contentious relations between parties, which is going to translate into some particularly sensationalistic and moronic news coverage, which is going to block out the news I'm actually interested in.

5. One more front page "Jenna and Barbara have margaritas" (*gasp* Really?? Young people drink??) news story is likely to send me over the edge.

4. More round-the-clock news coverage of his "vacations" on the ranch.

3. Born-again Christians are annoying because they're even more zealous than people who have been Christian all their life. Born-again Christians are like modern-day Puritans.

2. We're going to have to listen to even more liberal whining than ever before. I LIKE it when there's a liberal president because then they shut up. Even the National Organization of Women shuts up. "What? Bill Clinton raped someone? Bill Clinton banged someone 830 positions below him? That's okay because they were trash anyway." But when it's a conservative president all of a sudden it's "What? He mentioned the words "pubic hair" in front of her? Hahres-ment!! That's sexual hahres-ment!"

And the number one, most important lame reason is...

1. Now Hilary gets to run in 2008 instead of in 2012. I might just have to puke. Please God let her get embroiled in some bestiality sex scandal sometime before then.