Last-Minute Christmas Shopping

Last-Minute Christmas Shopping

Mike J and I headed to the mall tonight, to get some last-minute Christmas shopping done. I was surprised to hear he still had a couple of presents to buy. Normally he's that guy who gets all his shopping done online, in August. Unsurprisingly, I had about 8 gifts left to buy. It's a bit stressful, because I'm that type of person that agonizes over each gift. I mean if the person is going to hate the gift I buy him or her, at least it won't be because I didn't put much thought into it. And I'm not touchy about people exchanging gifts. Like Abel might not particularly like the Chia Herb Garden I got him, but maybe he can trade with Tony for the case of TREET I got him.

We ended up at one of those novelty gift stores that sell things like edible underwear and whoopie cushions. Some of the things in there were hysterical, like the shirt Mike J made me add to his gift which read "Your girlfriend fucks like a champ." We finally made it to the cash register however, and pulled on our ski masks. Just kidding. I mean, if we were going to rob a store, we'd put our ski masks on BEFORE we went in. No, that's not it. I mean, if we were going to rob a store, it wouldn't be one in which the average item costs 6 dollars. Wait, that's not it either. I mean, we wouldn't rob a store ever. Banks are much better targets. Dammit. Let me try one last time. What I meant was, we wouldn't rob anything EVER. I hate thieves. You all know that. Fucking thieving bastards.

Speaking of thieves, Mike J confessed on the way to the mall that he Drunk-Stole a CD at his company's Christmas party. This is not to be confused with Drunk-Dialing or Coke-Dialing. He was just drunk and lifted a CD off the bar, then pocketed it like it was nobody's business. I think that can be added to the list of things one is supposed to refrain from at a company party:

1. Do not drink too much.
2. Do not fuck anyone.
3. Do not steal, you thieving bastard.

Where was I? Oh, at the cash register. So I'm paying for my items and Mike J spots an electronic Russian Roulette gadget. You stick your finger into one of four holes (what finger-banging an extra-terrestial would be like I assume) and after a few seconds it shocks one of the holes. Mike said it kinda stung a bit and asked me to try it. I of course, was like "Why in the hell would I want to do that?" He said chances were, I wouldn't be the loser of the game. I told him those words were uttered by many a Russian Roulette player, about 30 minutes before the coroner arrived. At that moment though, I spied something on the counter that instantly sparked excitement and a large amount of want. Mike said he'd buy it for me if I played the game. Damn, I'm so easy. The words weren't even out of his mouth before my finger was lodged firmly into the hole. Wait, what are we talking about I'm getting confused. Oh yeah.

The lights start flashing and of course, I fricken get shocked. It's not pleasant, but it's brief and my prize was so worth it:

So I'm not just a food whore, a liquor whore and a Care Bear whore. I am also, apparently, an items-under-three-dollars whore. But I do love the happy bunny. It was well worth the nanosecond of discomfort. And I've actually been shocked worse, at Dave and Buster's. They have this chair where if you hang on at the maximum shock level for a couple of minutes, they give you 7 tickets whereas the other games only give you about two. Tony wanted some big alien doll but was 70 tickets short so, you guessed it, I shocked myself 10 times. I'm a stupid friend, but a good one.