Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
February 14, 2007
January 4, 2007
Other Resolutions
Other Resolutions
(By the way, I do have a mental filter governing the passage between my brain and mouth. Unfortunately it has a doggy door that needs to be nailed shut, because sometimes those critters get out.)
1. Return calls. Return text messages. Return e-mails. Write an actual letter, with a pen and some pretty stationery every so often.
2. Continue to work out and eat healthIER. Avoid let's say, hypothetically, going to Komegashi and ordering the Green Tea Creme Brulee AND hazelnut chocolate and banana crepe thing with vanilla bean ice cream for dessert. After having tempura shrimp, salt and pepper squid, fried wings, miso soup and California rolls.
3. Take some sort of lessons. Ideas: Ballroom dancing, French language (I used to be somewhat fluent and now I really have to strain to get the gist of the conversation), fencing, Eskrima, kickboxing, some form of cooking.
4. Write my -- fuck it, I'm not even going to say it. I think if I can just find the discipline (not my strong suit) to sit down for 6 hours a day, I can bang out a decent book in a month. Of course, this would mean ignoring this blog, not taking any phone calls and avoiding all friends except the ones who come over to babysit. February sounds like a promising month for this undertaking.
5. Never be this drunk again:
6. Stop watching the Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Spiderman 3 trailers over and over again. It's interfering with my sit around and pick my butt time.
I'm just kidding about all my resolutions by the way. In reality I only have one resolution, and that's to pass "Misirlou" on Expert. That freaking song. My arm always hurts like a bitch when I play it during the practice mode. It feels like I just gave the population of Greece a hand job. Not that I uh, would know what that feels like. Also, I hate this fucking guy (in a very green with envy for his Guitar Hero prowess way).
I love this one though. Matt Saracen broke through the top 10 of my favorite television characters with a thunder, but Tim Riggins is pretty tasty.
(By the way, I do have a mental filter governing the passage between my brain and mouth. Unfortunately it has a doggy door that needs to be nailed shut, because sometimes those critters get out.)
1. Return calls. Return text messages. Return e-mails. Write an actual letter, with a pen and some pretty stationery every so often.
2. Continue to work out and eat healthIER. Avoid let's say, hypothetically, going to Komegashi and ordering the Green Tea Creme Brulee AND hazelnut chocolate and banana crepe thing with vanilla bean ice cream for dessert. After having tempura shrimp, salt and pepper squid, fried wings, miso soup and California rolls.
3. Take some sort of lessons. Ideas: Ballroom dancing, French language (I used to be somewhat fluent and now I really have to strain to get the gist of the conversation), fencing, Eskrima, kickboxing, some form of cooking.
4. Write my -- fuck it, I'm not even going to say it. I think if I can just find the discipline (not my strong suit) to sit down for 6 hours a day, I can bang out a decent book in a month. Of course, this would mean ignoring this blog, not taking any phone calls and avoiding all friends except the ones who come over to babysit. February sounds like a promising month for this undertaking.
5. Never be this drunk again:
I have no idea what song we're singing,
but my guess is a Bon Jovi song of some sort.
6. Stop watching the Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Spiderman 3 trailers over and over again. It's interfering with my sit around and pick my butt time.
I'm just kidding about all my resolutions by the way. In reality I only have one resolution, and that's to pass "Misirlou" on Expert. That freaking song. My arm always hurts like a bitch when I play it during the practice mode. It feels like I just gave the population of Greece a hand job. Not that I uh, would know what that feels like. Also, I hate this fucking guy (in a very green with envy for his Guitar Hero prowess way).
I love this one though. Matt Saracen broke through the top 10 of my favorite television characters with a thunder, but Tim Riggins is pretty tasty.
January 1, 2007
Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year!!!
First of course... resolutions. Incidentally, it's annoying when people say crap like "I don't make resolutions because if you really want to do something you should just do it and not wait for the new year" blah blah blah. Okay save it you self-important punk. It's tradition!! A lame tradition maybe, but tradition nonetheless. Last year I resolved to quit smoking, which was followed through upon (despite a recent momentary lapse that felt really, really, REALLY, stupidly, all things great and wonderful good.) I also promised to start working out and eating healthier, which also happened. We won't discuss the resolutions that fell by the wayside.
This year, I've resolved to:
BE A NICE PERSON.
I'll wait for the laughter to subside. Assuming there is laughter, which is a possibility since every time I've said it to someone their first response is a bark of disbelieving laughter followed by "Wait, you're serious?" And then more laughter as they ponder my impending failure at this Herculean task. The Augean Stables ain't got shit on the whirling cesspool of vile thoughts that is my mind.
To prepare for this, I consulted two guys I know, who are widely considered to be nice people, something that flabbergasts me because I've heard some of the things they say. I have changed their names to protect their identities.
Me: Let's discuss this whole me-being-nice thing. HA! Crap, now you fuckers have ME laughing out loud every time I say it. Okay so you guys are pretty often referred to as nice people. What is the difference between you and me?
Stike: You mean besides the penises?
Meve (in an accent local to a continent in Oceania): Yes, there are those.
Me: Yes, besides the penises. What makes people hang out with you and think you're a nice person?
Meve: Well you know most people when they think of something to say, they pass it through a filter. And maybe they will either refrain from saying it or change it to something else. Whereas you...
Me: Sooooo in order to be nice, I have to lie a lot. Got it.
Stike: Well.... yes.
Me: So when I got in the car today and said "It took you an hour and 15 minutes to get ready, why don't you just slit your penis, turn it inside out and turn it into a vagaina already" that's one of those things I will have to stop saying.
Stike: Exactly.
Me: This is going to suck. Maybe I'll just resolve to be a nicER person.
Stike: No way, that's too easy.
Me: Baby steps, you have to learn to crawl before you run.
Meve: My resolution is to stop drinking.
Me: Water?
Meve: No, liquor.
Stike: Oh that sounds good! I think I'll do that one too.
Me: Yeah okay. I wish you guys luck in that endeavor.
Meve: Maybe we'll just hinge our resolution on yours. The moment you fail at yours then we don't have to do ours anymore.
Me: Okay so champagne toast at 12:03 A.M. it is!
As it turns out, I completely overestimated myself. Right after midnight on New Year's, someone said we had to call someone and I made a face and said "Oh God, must we." My friend Julie caught me and started laughing. "Fuck, did I even make it to 12:01 A.M." No. More laughter. Sucks. I get three strikes don't I? Oh well. I have other resolutions too but they're generic, "Take Eskrima or French lessons" blah.
Well screw it, who wants to start the New Year off with a lengthy discussion of my failure. Let's talk about happy things.
CONGRATULATIONS MAZ AND RHANDS!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you guys a long life, filled with all the wonderful things you both deserve. *mwah* (P.S. Maz - Of course I SO have some 12-01-06D reserved for you. It's a bit difficult to wrap though, the tape keeps nicking my tongue. Maybe I'll just put it in a gift bag.)
First of course... resolutions. Incidentally, it's annoying when people say crap like "I don't make resolutions because if you really want to do something you should just do it and not wait for the new year" blah blah blah. Okay save it you self-important punk. It's tradition!! A lame tradition maybe, but tradition nonetheless. Last year I resolved to quit smoking, which was followed through upon (despite a recent momentary lapse that felt really, really, REALLY, stupidly, all things great and wonderful good.) I also promised to start working out and eating healthier, which also happened. We won't discuss the resolutions that fell by the wayside.
This year, I've resolved to:
BE A NICE PERSON.
I'll wait for the laughter to subside. Assuming there is laughter, which is a possibility since every time I've said it to someone their first response is a bark of disbelieving laughter followed by "Wait, you're serious?" And then more laughter as they ponder my impending failure at this Herculean task. The Augean Stables ain't got shit on the whirling cesspool of vile thoughts that is my mind.
To prepare for this, I consulted two guys I know, who are widely considered to be nice people, something that flabbergasts me because I've heard some of the things they say. I have changed their names to protect their identities.
Me: Let's discuss this whole me-being-nice thing. HA! Crap, now you fuckers have ME laughing out loud every time I say it. Okay so you guys are pretty often referred to as nice people. What is the difference between you and me?
Stike: You mean besides the penises?
Meve (in an accent local to a continent in Oceania): Yes, there are those.
Me: Yes, besides the penises. What makes people hang out with you and think you're a nice person?
Meve: Well you know most people when they think of something to say, they pass it through a filter. And maybe they will either refrain from saying it or change it to something else. Whereas you...
Me: Sooooo in order to be nice, I have to lie a lot. Got it.
Stike: Well.... yes.
Me: So when I got in the car today and said "It took you an hour and 15 minutes to get ready, why don't you just slit your penis, turn it inside out and turn it into a vagaina already" that's one of those things I will have to stop saying.
Stike: Exactly.
Me: This is going to suck. Maybe I'll just resolve to be a nicER person.
Stike: No way, that's too easy.
Me: Baby steps, you have to learn to crawl before you run.
Meve: My resolution is to stop drinking.
Me: Water?
Meve: No, liquor.
Stike: Oh that sounds good! I think I'll do that one too.
Me: Yeah okay. I wish you guys luck in that endeavor.
Meve: Maybe we'll just hinge our resolution on yours. The moment you fail at yours then we don't have to do ours anymore.
Me: Okay so champagne toast at 12:03 A.M. it is!
As it turns out, I completely overestimated myself. Right after midnight on New Year's, someone said we had to call someone and I made a face and said "Oh God, must we." My friend Julie caught me and started laughing. "Fuck, did I even make it to 12:01 A.M." No. More laughter. Sucks. I get three strikes don't I? Oh well. I have other resolutions too but they're generic, "Take Eskrima or French lessons" blah.
Well screw it, who wants to start the New Year off with a lengthy discussion of my failure. Let's talk about happy things.
CONGRATULATIONS MAZ AND RHANDS!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you guys a long life, filled with all the wonderful things you both deserve. *mwah* (P.S. Maz - Of course I SO have some 12-01-06D reserved for you. It's a bit difficult to wrap though, the tape keeps nicking my tongue. Maybe I'll just put it in a gift bag.)
December 14, 2006
"Four Score and Seven Years Ago..."
"Four Score and Seven Years Ago..."
My darling husband Geo was born.
Okay, not really. It's actually one-and-a-half score and three years ago.
But, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEO!!!
Apparently, I never finished my 100 Things About Geo list which included another 20 things on his last birthday, so here are the last 30 things:
1. Geo no longer only drinks Seagram's 7 on the rocks, he now only drinks Johnny Black. Liquor snob.
2. His power celebrity threesome would be with Jessica Alba and Josie Maran (the model not the pron star). I would be handling the video camera, because they're on my Top 10 . Though it took this:
Geo: I don't think I'd do it really.
Me: What?? What do you mean you wouldn't bang them? *I* would bang them, just so I could say I did it.
Geo: True, you would. Okay put them on there.
3. People think he's a cyborg but really the simple secret to why he can do so many things is perseverance and patience. If he can't do something well, he practices until he can.
4. Geo has been both sky-diving and bungee jumping, but refuses to do either ever again.
5. His current favorite song is a random club song called "Running Water."
6. But he HATES going to clubs, though he sets foot in one about twice a year for random birthday celebrations.
7. Also, he admits the song is fruity.
8. Geo doesn't really watch a lot of television, but he watches Heroes and Friday Night Lights with me every week. And of course, 24.
9. He used to smoke Marlboro Menthol Lights, but last April 15th he quit smoking, after twelve years.
10. If he could only wear one color for the rest of his life (that isn't black) he would pick navy blue.
11. Geo once fell off the top of a telephone pole, when he worked for Bell Atlantic.
12. He owns about 80 T-shirts.
13. His favorite one is the Green Lantern shirt. Which is technically mine, not that I ever get to wear it (thanks anyway Tony).
14. His favorite current NFL players are LT and Tiki Barber.
15. While other people usually want ponies, Geo wants a penguin.
16. If he could own a house in any American city, he would pick Moorestown, New Jersey. (I would pick somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, so apparently we'd be living in different places. Just kidding.)
17. If he could vacation anywhere in the world, he would go to Italy and New Zealand.
18. Geo used to be very fastidious about his cars, he even kept a feather duster in the glove compartment.
19. This ended when he started having to drive 6 hours a day for work, and the back seat piled up with empty White Castle, Dunkin Donuts and McDonald's containers.
20. Geo is allergic to a bunch of random fruits. Apples, honeydew melons and cantaloupe make his mouth turn red and swell up.
21. He still eats them.
22. Geo's dream garage has a black, Porsche Carrera GT. And a black H1. Geo is car-ist, he only likes black cars.
23. If he was ever sentenced to death, his last meal would be The Olive Garden's Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo. Although, considering all the news about The Olive garden today, that particular last meal might remove the need for a lethal injection.
24. He's pretty law-abiding though, so his crime punishable by death would be something like "jaywalking" or "expired registration tags."
25. Also, he has instant scathing words for people who pretentiously mock his beloved Olive Garden.
26. His favorite cereal is "O's" though I have yet to see a box in our house.
27. Geo never had a bachelor party, which he doesn't care about but I feel bad about.
28. He doesn't care because he doesn't like going to strip clubs. It's a dislike based on financial reasons, not moral reasons. "What's the point of paying a stripper all that money just to look at her when you can go to a bar, pick someone up and actually do stuff with her."
29. Geo thinks parenthood is the most amazing thing ever.
30. He rocks. No seriously, he does. I can't say this enough.
I'll tell you guys tomorrow what me, Tony and Mike J got him for his birthday. In case he's snooping around here, sneaky sneakerson.
My darling husband Geo was born.
Okay, not really. It's actually one-and-a-half score and three years ago.
But, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEO!!!
The picture on the left is what Geo looked like when he was without sin.
One minute after the picture was taken he coveted thy neighbor's wife because
her boobs looked especially full of dairy products and the rest is history.
Apparently, I never finished my 100 Things About Geo list which included another 20 things on his last birthday, so here are the last 30 things:
1. Geo no longer only drinks Seagram's 7 on the rocks, he now only drinks Johnny Black. Liquor snob.
2. His power celebrity threesome would be with Jessica Alba and Josie Maran (the model not the pron star). I would be handling the video camera, because they're on my Top 10 . Though it took this:
Geo: I don't think I'd do it really.
Me: What?? What do you mean you wouldn't bang them? *I* would bang them, just so I could say I did it.
Geo: True, you would. Okay put them on there.
3. People think he's a cyborg but really the simple secret to why he can do so many things is perseverance and patience. If he can't do something well, he practices until he can.
4. Geo has been both sky-diving and bungee jumping, but refuses to do either ever again.
5. His current favorite song is a random club song called "Running Water."
6. But he HATES going to clubs, though he sets foot in one about twice a year for random birthday celebrations.
7. Also, he admits the song is fruity.
8. Geo doesn't really watch a lot of television, but he watches Heroes and Friday Night Lights with me every week. And of course, 24.
9. He used to smoke Marlboro Menthol Lights, but last April 15th he quit smoking, after twelve years.
10. If he could only wear one color for the rest of his life (that isn't black) he would pick navy blue.
11. Geo once fell off the top of a telephone pole, when he worked for Bell Atlantic.
12. He owns about 80 T-shirts.
13. His favorite one is the Green Lantern shirt. Which is technically mine, not that I ever get to wear it (thanks anyway Tony).
14. His favorite current NFL players are LT and Tiki Barber.
15. While other people usually want ponies, Geo wants a penguin.
16. If he could own a house in any American city, he would pick Moorestown, New Jersey. (I would pick somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, so apparently we'd be living in different places. Just kidding.)
17. If he could vacation anywhere in the world, he would go to Italy and New Zealand.
18. Geo used to be very fastidious about his cars, he even kept a feather duster in the glove compartment.
19. This ended when he started having to drive 6 hours a day for work, and the back seat piled up with empty White Castle, Dunkin Donuts and McDonald's containers.
20. Geo is allergic to a bunch of random fruits. Apples, honeydew melons and cantaloupe make his mouth turn red and swell up.
21. He still eats them.
22. Geo's dream garage has a black, Porsche Carrera GT. And a black H1. Geo is car-ist, he only likes black cars.
23. If he was ever sentenced to death, his last meal would be The Olive Garden's Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo. Although, considering all the news about The Olive garden today, that particular last meal might remove the need for a lethal injection.
24. He's pretty law-abiding though, so his crime punishable by death would be something like "jaywalking" or "expired registration tags."
25. Also, he has instant scathing words for people who pretentiously mock his beloved Olive Garden.
26. His favorite cereal is "O's" though I have yet to see a box in our house.
27. Geo never had a bachelor party, which he doesn't care about but I feel bad about.
28. He doesn't care because he doesn't like going to strip clubs. It's a dislike based on financial reasons, not moral reasons. "What's the point of paying a stripper all that money just to look at her when you can go to a bar, pick someone up and actually do stuff with her."
29. Geo thinks parenthood is the most amazing thing ever.
30. He rocks. No seriously, he does. I can't say this enough.
I'll tell you guys tomorrow what me, Tony and Mike J got him for his birthday. In case he's snooping around here, sneaky sneakerson.
November 26, 2006
More Black Friday Madness
More Black Friday Madness
Back in the day I used to go out every night, crawl into bed at 4 am, then wake up at 7 am to go to work. At one point I stopped going out completely and was working over 100 hours a week, while commuting an hour and a half into the city each day, seven days a week. None of that, and I mean NONE of that tired me out half as much as shopping on Black Friday. It's been three days and I'm still tired.
My one experience shopping on Black Friday came a couple of years ago, when Geo and I stood in line at Best Buy at 3 in the morning to get a TV. But we were in and out of the store within half an hour, and I was back in bed asleep by 6 am. This year I signed up to tag along with Janelle and another friend to experience the full brunt of Black Friday madness. So at 3 a.m. they got up (the girls wouldn't fall asleep so I never slept) and we headed to Circuit City/Best Buy to stand in line for a couple of hours. Luckily, Janelle packed Snapple and sandwiches or this could have been an unpleasant experience for all.
Afterwards we hit up Kohl's and Target, where I flirted with some guy to get him to look in the back for toys they were supposedly out of. Hey, those Littlest Pet Shop sets are normally $25, on sale for $13. I'm not above a few come hither looks to save 12 bucks. Which I did. After Target we rocked Toys R Us, Walmart, Macy's, up and down an entire mall, Old Navy and TJ Maxx. I was delirious by the time we got home, babbling something about the poor little penguins that get eaten by leopard seals. I didn't get trampled, shot or stabbed though and I saved a crapload of money on the gifts my kiddos wanted, so all in all it was a good day.
Things I Learned:
1. The average person becomes a lunatic when attempting to find a parking spot in a mall. When attempting to find a parking spot in a mall on Black Friday, the average person becomes a PMS-ing psychopath on methamphetamines, whose team just lost the Super Bowl in the last 30 seconds after a missed field goal return touchdown. This is also the same expression on the face of men who have somehow been guilt tripped, tricked, cajoled or berated into accompanying their women to go bargain shopping.
2. Women should leave those men at home anyway. Black Friday shopping is not for the weak or faint of heart.
3. People will fight over the last popular toy marked 75% off the way people on a sinking ship will fight over the last life vest.
4. The key to not jumping the shark on Black Friday is to avoid the quicksand. The quicksand equals purchasing things you know are useless and awful, just because it's cheap. No you don't need that puke green tie with the kumquats on it just because it's three dollars. Put down the Gigli DVD, Best Buy should pay YOU $3.99 to take it off their hands.
5. Stores are sneaky. They pretend shit is on sale to take advantage of the mindless hordes in a buying frenzy. Ten dollars off a five hundred dollar item does not make it on sale, those sneaky bastards.
6. I ran for an hour on the treadmill and worked out on the machines for half an hour to prepare for the Thanksgiving Foodfest. But I probably burned more calories dodging people and their carts on Friday. Be prepared for bruises on Black Friday. No one looks where they're going, they're too busy making sure not to miss out on anything on sale.
7. The delirium caused by lack of sleep may give you an edge on Black Friday, but it also makes you reaaaaaaaalllllly bitchy when you come crashing down. Like the fickleness of crazy drug addict strength, in for the high and out for the low. Near the end of the day I was in some store, reading a T-shirt that said "Why are you talking to me when you know I hate you." I snickered at the sheer audacity of the shirt, and the person next to me started bitching "How can you laugh, that shirt is so ignorant." Blah blah blah. Instead of explaining like I normally might have, I just said "Shut the fuck up and mind your damn business." Which of course, offended her even more than the shirt and she stomped away. I was so tired I heard myself say it at the same time she did though. Oh well.
Back in the day I used to go out every night, crawl into bed at 4 am, then wake up at 7 am to go to work. At one point I stopped going out completely and was working over 100 hours a week, while commuting an hour and a half into the city each day, seven days a week. None of that, and I mean NONE of that tired me out half as much as shopping on Black Friday. It's been three days and I'm still tired.
My one experience shopping on Black Friday came a couple of years ago, when Geo and I stood in line at Best Buy at 3 in the morning to get a TV. But we were in and out of the store within half an hour, and I was back in bed asleep by 6 am. This year I signed up to tag along with Janelle and another friend to experience the full brunt of Black Friday madness. So at 3 a.m. they got up (the girls wouldn't fall asleep so I never slept) and we headed to Circuit City/Best Buy to stand in line for a couple of hours. Luckily, Janelle packed Snapple and sandwiches or this could have been an unpleasant experience for all.
Afterwards we hit up Kohl's and Target, where I flirted with some guy to get him to look in the back for toys they were supposedly out of. Hey, those Littlest Pet Shop sets are normally $25, on sale for $13. I'm not above a few come hither looks to save 12 bucks. Which I did. After Target we rocked Toys R Us, Walmart, Macy's, up and down an entire mall, Old Navy and TJ Maxx. I was delirious by the time we got home, babbling something about the poor little penguins that get eaten by leopard seals. I didn't get trampled, shot or stabbed though and I saved a crapload of money on the gifts my kiddos wanted, so all in all it was a good day.
Things I Learned:
1. The average person becomes a lunatic when attempting to find a parking spot in a mall. When attempting to find a parking spot in a mall on Black Friday, the average person becomes a PMS-ing psychopath on methamphetamines, whose team just lost the Super Bowl in the last 30 seconds after a missed field goal return touchdown. This is also the same expression on the face of men who have somehow been guilt tripped, tricked, cajoled or berated into accompanying their women to go bargain shopping.
2. Women should leave those men at home anyway. Black Friday shopping is not for the weak or faint of heart.
3. People will fight over the last popular toy marked 75% off the way people on a sinking ship will fight over the last life vest.
4. The key to not jumping the shark on Black Friday is to avoid the quicksand. The quicksand equals purchasing things you know are useless and awful, just because it's cheap. No you don't need that puke green tie with the kumquats on it just because it's three dollars. Put down the Gigli DVD, Best Buy should pay YOU $3.99 to take it off their hands.
5. Stores are sneaky. They pretend shit is on sale to take advantage of the mindless hordes in a buying frenzy. Ten dollars off a five hundred dollar item does not make it on sale, those sneaky bastards.
6. I ran for an hour on the treadmill and worked out on the machines for half an hour to prepare for the Thanksgiving Foodfest. But I probably burned more calories dodging people and their carts on Friday. Be prepared for bruises on Black Friday. No one looks where they're going, they're too busy making sure not to miss out on anything on sale.
7. The delirium caused by lack of sleep may give you an edge on Black Friday, but it also makes you reaaaaaaaalllllly bitchy when you come crashing down. Like the fickleness of crazy drug addict strength, in for the high and out for the low. Near the end of the day I was in some store, reading a T-shirt that said "Why are you talking to me when you know I hate you." I snickered at the sheer audacity of the shirt, and the person next to me started bitching "How can you laugh, that shirt is so ignorant." Blah blah blah. Instead of explaining like I normally might have, I just said "Shut the fuck up and mind your damn business." Which of course, offended her even more than the shirt and she stomped away. I was so tired I heard myself say it at the same time she did though. Oh well.
November 22, 2006
I Love Thanksgiving
I Love Thanksgiving
If you're one of those "blah blah the Pilgrims blah blah the Indians blah blah massacre blah blah" people then you should probably move on since this entry will make you want to choke on your tofu burger.
Here's why Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday:
1. We'll start with the most obvious and that is THE FOOD. This year Geo is making his usual turkey marinated in some random concoction he got off one of Emeril's shows, garlic mashed potatoes, red/orange/yellow peppers and onions sauteed in a buttery sauce, stuffing, asparagus with hollandaise sauce and I'm going to toss in a request for deviled eggs. YUM. I would put out pretty easily for deviled eggs. Although I don't know how it could get any easier than his moving to my side of the bed.
2. Football. All day. Like it's Sunday, but not. Football on Thanksgiving Day gives me that feeling you get, when you take a Wednesday off for a doctor's appointment or something, and then you have the rest of the day free to putz around while everyone else is at work.
3. Family. Sure everyone has random issues with their families but at least on this particular occasion people are somewhat shamed into acting on their best behavior. I don't have any issues with my immediate family though. If I could have my mom, dad, sister and her husband and baby here with me tomorrow I'd be the happiest person in the entire world.
4. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I don't really like parades. I could care less about floats. I don't even really watch it on TV. What I do like is the reminder of how much I liked parades as a kid, and how every Thanksgiving I used to watch the entire thing, from my sunny home in California. I think all the random holiday programs from my childhood should be shown forever. It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Yogi Bear's First Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It's A Wonderful Life. Miracle On 34th Street. These movies should be shown every holiday season for at least a few centuries. Along with The Sound of Music and How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
5. Presents. Yeah, you read that right I get presents on Thanksgiving. One present is kinda big and shaped like a turkey. It stays in the oven until it's ready to be opened. Another present is round and covered with whipped cream. It has a flaky crust. Another present is yellow and garlicky. Yet another present makes my pee smell like rust. See? PRESENTS!!!
6. I don't do a single thing on Thanksgiving, just sit around and play with my kids. Geo does ALL the cooking. Me and the girls mess around and watch football in the living room. Sometimes we play it, and by play it I mean I tell them to go long and then deliberately pelt them with the Nerf football and we all laugh maniacally. Then we eat turkey.
7. Black Friday rocks. Yes, I'm one of those nutjobs that stays up all night and stands in line in the freezing cold. This year I don't even have any large purchases planned, I'm just tagging along with Janelle. She wants to hit up about 6 stores from about 3am until we drop from exhaustion. I have a stockpile of crack that I've been saving up for the last 4 months just for this day. Okay so I don't, but I will be filling up my backpack with Red Bulls and Snickers bars. And some mace. Those Black Friday shoppers are crazy. Not me though.
8. Just like Halloween is awesome because it tells you Thanksgiving is right around the corner, Thanksgiving is fun because it means Christmas is right around the corner. And I loooooooooove Christmas. I'll tell you guys why next month.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! MAY YOUR DAY BE FILLED WITH ALL THE GOOD "F"s: FAMILY, FUN, FOOD, FOOTBALL AND FUC----. WELL, YOU KNOW. ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU GUYS.
If you're one of those "blah blah the Pilgrims blah blah the Indians blah blah massacre blah blah" people then you should probably move on since this entry will make you want to choke on your tofu burger.
Here's why Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday:
1. We'll start with the most obvious and that is THE FOOD. This year Geo is making his usual turkey marinated in some random concoction he got off one of Emeril's shows, garlic mashed potatoes, red/orange/yellow peppers and onions sauteed in a buttery sauce, stuffing, asparagus with hollandaise sauce and I'm going to toss in a request for deviled eggs. YUM. I would put out pretty easily for deviled eggs. Although I don't know how it could get any easier than his moving to my side of the bed.
2. Football. All day. Like it's Sunday, but not. Football on Thanksgiving Day gives me that feeling you get, when you take a Wednesday off for a doctor's appointment or something, and then you have the rest of the day free to putz around while everyone else is at work.
3. Family. Sure everyone has random issues with their families but at least on this particular occasion people are somewhat shamed into acting on their best behavior. I don't have any issues with my immediate family though. If I could have my mom, dad, sister and her husband and baby here with me tomorrow I'd be the happiest person in the entire world.
4. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I don't really like parades. I could care less about floats. I don't even really watch it on TV. What I do like is the reminder of how much I liked parades as a kid, and how every Thanksgiving I used to watch the entire thing, from my sunny home in California. I think all the random holiday programs from my childhood should be shown forever. It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Yogi Bear's First Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It's A Wonderful Life. Miracle On 34th Street. These movies should be shown every holiday season for at least a few centuries. Along with The Sound of Music and How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
5. Presents. Yeah, you read that right I get presents on Thanksgiving. One present is kinda big and shaped like a turkey. It stays in the oven until it's ready to be opened. Another present is round and covered with whipped cream. It has a flaky crust. Another present is yellow and garlicky. Yet another present makes my pee smell like rust. See? PRESENTS!!!
6. I don't do a single thing on Thanksgiving, just sit around and play with my kids. Geo does ALL the cooking. Me and the girls mess around and watch football in the living room. Sometimes we play it, and by play it I mean I tell them to go long and then deliberately pelt them with the Nerf football and we all laugh maniacally. Then we eat turkey.
7. Black Friday rocks. Yes, I'm one of those nutjobs that stays up all night and stands in line in the freezing cold. This year I don't even have any large purchases planned, I'm just tagging along with Janelle. She wants to hit up about 6 stores from about 3am until we drop from exhaustion. I have a stockpile of crack that I've been saving up for the last 4 months just for this day. Okay so I don't, but I will be filling up my backpack with Red Bulls and Snickers bars. And some mace. Those Black Friday shoppers are crazy. Not me though.
8. Just like Halloween is awesome because it tells you Thanksgiving is right around the corner, Thanksgiving is fun because it means Christmas is right around the corner. And I loooooooooove Christmas. I'll tell you guys why next month.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! MAY YOUR DAY BE FILLED WITH ALL THE GOOD "F"s: FAMILY, FUN, FOOD, FOOTBALL AND FUC----. WELL, YOU KNOW. ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU GUYS.
October 22, 2006
Party Peoples
Party Peoples
This past weekend we went to two birthday celebrations for Tony (spoiled, who gets two birthday parties), Morpheus's Halloween costume party and a pumpkin picking party for our friend Ryan's daughter. So you know, I'm too tired to think of proper segues. I'm just going to post up pictures and list random thoughts about it.
1. Tony's party was held at the Canal Room in New York, which I actually liked. Mike and Geo were miserable, they hate clubs. The ones I hate are the ones that pack in a few thousand people. I haven't been to one of those in about five years and I'd rather listen to an 8-hour debate on why curtains are better than Venetian blinds than ever go to one of those again.
2. I can't believe New York City has banned smoking in clubs but not well drinks. Well drinks are the liquid minions of Satan. Well drinks have you puking up organs you have to later stuff back in. Well drinks have you waking up and wondering who the people next to you are (okay not me personally but you get the drift.)
3. People think alcohol completely obliterates my verbal filter but it's simply not true. As evidenced by the following exchange I had on Thursday night. What I actually said:
Me: So what do you think of that?
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: *I* don't judge people.
Me: Oh come on, EVERYONE sometimes makes judgements even if they try not to.
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: I don't.
Me: Well I do. You're a much better person than all the rest of us. Have a nice night.
What I totally could have said:
Me: So what do you think of that?
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: *I* don't judge people.
Me: You self-important, pseudo-intellectual ass. You think "I don't judge people" makes you sound enlightened but all it does is make you look like a smarmy little idiot. You saying "I don't judge people, that's wrong" is a judgement in itself. Like how I am judging the distance from my foot to your ass.
4. Morpheus spent an insane amount of money on Halloween decorations for the party. There were statues, hanging psychotic clowns, cobwebs, severed limbs, scary paintings, you name it. His dogs even had costumes. The partygoers were awesome though, they really came dressed to the nines. Only one party pooper came dressed as something lame like "baseball fan" or something. One guy scared the crap out of me though, he was dressed in a suit like The Joker and had his face painted. He would just stand quietly here and there. I avoided him like the plague.
5. Last year we had about 4 pumpkins rotting in our car for a month. Pumpkin picking for us this year consisted of walking our daughters to the pile of apple-sized pumpkins and saying "Which one are you picking?"
This past weekend we went to two birthday celebrations for Tony (spoiled, who gets two birthday parties), Morpheus's Halloween costume party and a pumpkin picking party for our friend Ryan's daughter. So you know, I'm too tired to think of proper segues. I'm just going to post up pictures and list random thoughts about it.
No, I don't know why so many guys in this picture are holding up
the sign for two. It could be the amount of drinks they've had at
that point or perhaps how many children they want to have.
In case anyone is wondering about the awful expression on
my face, it's my "Okay don't blink don't blink don't blink" look.
Jersey City has quite a few Muslims in the neighborhood and they weren't
too pleased when the guy in the middle walked his dogs while in costume.
It could have been Morpheus following him with a blindfold and electrical
wires though (not really). Yes I know, going to hell.
There's also a picture of me grabbing its chainsaw-wielding balls.
Geo borrowed a real ninja sword from Morpheus so I borrowed this for mine.
I would leave Geo if he ever tried stuff like this at home. Luke once
dressed up like a ninja then hid behind the fridge and Girlie almost died
of a heart attack. Aud was on the phone with her at the time and she
thought the screams meant someone was murdering her.
I told Geo beforehand that I was going to take a picture with the guy
in the Steve Irwin costume and label it "I hate this guy." He was nice
though, and also Australian like his fallen mate.
1. Tony's party was held at the Canal Room in New York, which I actually liked. Mike and Geo were miserable, they hate clubs. The ones I hate are the ones that pack in a few thousand people. I haven't been to one of those in about five years and I'd rather listen to an 8-hour debate on why curtains are better than Venetian blinds than ever go to one of those again.
2. I can't believe New York City has banned smoking in clubs but not well drinks. Well drinks are the liquid minions of Satan. Well drinks have you puking up organs you have to later stuff back in. Well drinks have you waking up and wondering who the people next to you are (okay not me personally but you get the drift.)
3. People think alcohol completely obliterates my verbal filter but it's simply not true. As evidenced by the following exchange I had on Thursday night. What I actually said:
Me: So what do you think of that?
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: *I* don't judge people.
Me: Oh come on, EVERYONE sometimes makes judgements even if they try not to.
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: I don't.
Me: Well I do. You're a much better person than all the rest of us. Have a nice night.
What I totally could have said:
Me: So what do you think of that?
Random wannabe Black Panther guy: *I* don't judge people.
Me: You self-important, pseudo-intellectual ass. You think "I don't judge people" makes you sound enlightened but all it does is make you look like a smarmy little idiot. You saying "I don't judge people, that's wrong" is a judgement in itself. Like how I am judging the distance from my foot to your ass.
4. Morpheus spent an insane amount of money on Halloween decorations for the party. There were statues, hanging psychotic clowns, cobwebs, severed limbs, scary paintings, you name it. His dogs even had costumes. The partygoers were awesome though, they really came dressed to the nines. Only one party pooper came dressed as something lame like "baseball fan" or something. One guy scared the crap out of me though, he was dressed in a suit like The Joker and had his face painted. He would just stand quietly here and there. I avoided him like the plague.
5. Last year we had about 4 pumpkins rotting in our car for a month. Pumpkin picking for us this year consisted of walking our daughters to the pile of apple-sized pumpkins and saying "Which one are you picking?"
July 29, 2006
Thanks Maaaaan
Thanks Maaaaaan
My first order of business after turning 30 was to perch upon the porcelain throne for a bit. My second order of business, should have been to come on here and thank everyone for all the wonderful birthday gifts but you all know how I lag. Thanks to:
-My mom and dad for all the little green papers with dead presidents on them. Now I won't have to sell Geo for crack anymore. Well, for awhile.
-Geo for the cute little lilac Dooney and Bourke purse
-Tony for the Guitar Hero game and controllers (which he got me back in March or something) and the Green Lantern T-shirt
-Web Kittyn and Gotard for the complete season of Firefly DVD set
-Adam for Practical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore
-Kwame for Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
-Abel for The Princess Bride by William Goldman, the Indiana Jones trilogy on DVD and the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble
-Mike for the pen and journal and 7 homemade gift certificates for 7 dinners at any restaurants I choose. (Half of me wants to try new places while the other half is screaming "Yes!!! 7 straight nights at The Olive Garden!!! Score!!") And the book I really could have and should have written, with questions like "Would you rather walk around all day with a dead mouse in your butt or a dead frog in your mouth?"
-Steve for the Thundercats season one DVD set.
-Armina for the dinner in the city and gift card to Barnes and Noble.
You all rock! I still plan on sending out thank you cards. You'll probably get them some time in November.
I had originally planned to celebrate my 30th in Atlantic City, but in the end decided what I really wanted to do was have a small dinner party at home, so my kids could be there. Because you know, for some reason casinos don't like shrieking 3-year-olds around their poker tables. So we busted out some lechon kawali (Filipino deep fried pork), lumpia shanghai (Filipino eggrolls), pasta and spinach dip. Add to that some Australians, Malibu rum and punch, a chilled bottle of silver Patron (I cracked open the bottle Tony got me for Christmas) and the hours of Guitar Hero and it was a perfect way to celebrate. I did miss the people who weren't able to make the impromptu party, but it was still a great night. Thanks all!
P.S. - I also want to thank people who made contributions to the Blog-A-Thon. Which by the way, it's not too late to do. The day went well and my midnight-3am radio and blogging shift was insane so I can't even imagine what people who did the full 24-hours must be feeling like right now.
The charity we picked, Unlocking Autism is a grass roots charity that a friend of mine works with closely. So we know that every dollar contributed will actually go to something essential to their cause. You know, for the cynical contributors. Thanks again everyone!
My first order of business after turning 30 was to perch upon the porcelain throne for a bit. My second order of business, should have been to come on here and thank everyone for all the wonderful birthday gifts but you all know how I lag. Thanks to:
-My mom and dad for all the little green papers with dead presidents on them. Now I won't have to sell Geo for crack anymore. Well, for awhile.
-Geo for the cute little lilac Dooney and Bourke purse
-Tony for the Guitar Hero game and controllers (which he got me back in March or something) and the Green Lantern T-shirt
-Web Kittyn and Gotard for the complete season of Firefly DVD set
-Adam for Practical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore
-Kwame for Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
-Abel for The Princess Bride by William Goldman, the Indiana Jones trilogy on DVD and the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble
-Mike for the pen and journal and 7 homemade gift certificates for 7 dinners at any restaurants I choose. (Half of me wants to try new places while the other half is screaming "Yes!!! 7 straight nights at The Olive Garden!!! Score!!") And the book I really could have and should have written, with questions like "Would you rather walk around all day with a dead mouse in your butt or a dead frog in your mouth?"
-Steve for the Thundercats season one DVD set.
-Armina for the dinner in the city and gift card to Barnes and Noble.
You all rock! I still plan on sending out thank you cards. You'll probably get them some time in November.
I had originally planned to celebrate my 30th in Atlantic City, but in the end decided what I really wanted to do was have a small dinner party at home, so my kids could be there. Because you know, for some reason casinos don't like shrieking 3-year-olds around their poker tables. So we busted out some lechon kawali (Filipino deep fried pork), lumpia shanghai (Filipino eggrolls), pasta and spinach dip. Add to that some Australians, Malibu rum and punch, a chilled bottle of silver Patron (I cracked open the bottle Tony got me for Christmas) and the hours of Guitar Hero and it was a perfect way to celebrate. I did miss the people who weren't able to make the impromptu party, but it was still a great night. Thanks all!
P.S. - I also want to thank people who made contributions to the Blog-A-Thon. Which by the way, it's not too late to do. The day went well and my midnight-3am radio and blogging shift was insane so I can't even imagine what people who did the full 24-hours must be feeling like right now.
The charity we picked, Unlocking Autism is a grass roots charity that a friend of mine works with closely. So we know that every dollar contributed will actually go to something essential to their cause. You know, for the cynical contributors. Thanks again everyone!
May 14, 2006
Proof That I Am Not, In Fact, The Spawn of Satan
Proof That I Am Not, In Fact, The Spawn of Satan
(Or, "Proof that Satan has nice taste in handbags." Take your pick.)
Anyway, yes it is another holiday in which chocolatiers, florists and the greeting card industry all capitalize on peoples' guilt but...
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!
(Or, "Proof that Satan has nice taste in handbags." Take your pick.)
That's the big ass castle at Disneyworld behind us.
Anyway, yes it is another holiday in which chocolatiers, florists and the greeting card industry all capitalize on peoples' guilt but...
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!
March 31, 2006
So after four years and three months, I've decided to retire this blog. It's just getting a bit too hard trying to come up with material for both here AND the radio show. I've really enjoyed myself and thank you all for being such loyal readers. This won't be the last post, don't want to end on such a melancholy note.
March 4, 2006
Happy Birfday Abel
Happy Birfday Abel
Happy 30th Birthday to one of my bestest friends:
In honor of which, I must list the Official Riss and Abel Friendship Timeline.
May 1994 - Two 18-year-olds meet in the IRC #filipino chatroom when one of them gets bored and starts spamming the channel by typing out the lyrics to a Das Efx song (that would be me.)
July 1995 - Abel spends my birthday with me, standing at a payphone near his house, where some crackho offers to suck his dick for a cigarette while he's on the phone.
August 1995 - Abel is the sole winner of a high-stakes Strip Pusoy game, leaving me, Christine and Oliver no choice but to dive butt naked into Prency's apartment complex's pool in Los Angeles.
September 1995 - Me, Abel, T, Aud and Dean get drunk or high or both and chase rats on the Jersey City piers. Or rather, Dean chases rats while the rest of us stand on higher ground. Two days later, me, Tony and Abel are on our way home from a party, with all the windows rolled up. I begin to feel the gaseous effects of consuming corned beef. Noticing that Abel keeps giving Tony increasingly dirty looks, I stifle my giggles and continue my silent but deadly assault. Until Abel looks like he's about ready to wrap his hands around Tony's throat, at which I finally claim responsibility for my actions.
June 1996 - Abel and I lose a bet and the penalty is that we both share and down a glass of grape Cisco aka "Liquid Crack." I down the entire glass of disgustingness, so that Abel won't have to. Just reminding him in case he forgets for some reason, how much I love him.
July 1996 - Me, Abel and T crash Geo's house where Geo proceeds to get drunk while the rest of us get lifted. After which the Longest Walk To The Store In History occurs. And, me and Abel proceed to go crazy because that Heltah Skeltah song is playing in the store, the one with the Motorola pager beep, prompting us to check out pagers in a high frenzy every four seconds.
Summer 1998 - Me, Tony, Abel and Dennis cause a ruckus in Los Angeles, the official San Diego bonfire and the Coke Museum in Las Vegas (where we proceed to drink as much Lychee Coke as our bladders can handle, and then some.)
1999 (And to be honest 94-03 as well) Abel and I terrorize all our friends by continuously whooping their sorry asses in Spades. Losers.
*okay let's skip ahead shall we or this is going to take too long*
July 2003 - Abel, Dean, Tony, Cue and Mike come visit me at the hospital, where I proceed to say "Hi, want to see my C-section scar, it has staples in it and looks like a scene from Hellraiser" as they walk in. While I show them the scar of course.
The rest of the time since then, has been filled with visits to see his beloved goddaughters and insistences that he does NOT, in fact, want to see this Antonio Banderas movie, even though he's watching it and just finished it. Like last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATNA!!!!!!f
Happy 30th Birthday to one of my bestest friends:
In honor of which, I must list the Official Riss and Abel Friendship Timeline.
May 1994 - Two 18-year-olds meet in the IRC #filipino chatroom when one of them gets bored and starts spamming the channel by typing out the lyrics to a Das Efx song (that would be me.)
July 1995 - Abel spends my birthday with me, standing at a payphone near his house, where some crackho offers to suck his dick for a cigarette while he's on the phone.
August 1995 - Abel is the sole winner of a high-stakes Strip Pusoy game, leaving me, Christine and Oliver no choice but to dive butt naked into Prency's apartment complex's pool in Los Angeles.
September 1995 - Me, Abel, T, Aud and Dean get drunk or high or both and chase rats on the Jersey City piers. Or rather, Dean chases rats while the rest of us stand on higher ground. Two days later, me, Tony and Abel are on our way home from a party, with all the windows rolled up. I begin to feel the gaseous effects of consuming corned beef. Noticing that Abel keeps giving Tony increasingly dirty looks, I stifle my giggles and continue my silent but deadly assault. Until Abel looks like he's about ready to wrap his hands around Tony's throat, at which I finally claim responsibility for my actions.
June 1996 - Abel and I lose a bet and the penalty is that we both share and down a glass of grape Cisco aka "Liquid Crack." I down the entire glass of disgustingness, so that Abel won't have to. Just reminding him in case he forgets for some reason, how much I love him.
July 1996 - Me, Abel and T crash Geo's house where Geo proceeds to get drunk while the rest of us get lifted. After which the Longest Walk To The Store In History occurs. And, me and Abel proceed to go crazy because that Heltah Skeltah song is playing in the store, the one with the Motorola pager beep, prompting us to check out pagers in a high frenzy every four seconds.
Summer 1998 - Me, Tony, Abel and Dennis cause a ruckus in Los Angeles, the official San Diego bonfire and the Coke Museum in Las Vegas (where we proceed to drink as much Lychee Coke as our bladders can handle, and then some.)
1999 (And to be honest 94-03 as well) Abel and I terrorize all our friends by continuously whooping their sorry asses in Spades. Losers.
*okay let's skip ahead shall we or this is going to take too long*
July 2003 - Abel, Dean, Tony, Cue and Mike come visit me at the hospital, where I proceed to say "Hi, want to see my C-section scar, it has staples in it and looks like a scene from Hellraiser" as they walk in. While I show them the scar of course.
The rest of the time since then, has been filled with visits to see his beloved goddaughters and insistences that he does NOT, in fact, want to see this Antonio Banderas movie, even though he's watching it and just finished it. Like last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATNA!!!!!!f
February 14, 2006
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day
I made the usual blog rounds and have come back here in guilt, that I have yet to address this momentous holiday. I am happily enamored of my significant other so there's no reason for me to ignore such an important time in consumerism. Is that a word? My point is, people have chosen many ways to celebrate this day. Some chose poetry. So I wrote a poem:
Some other people chose to give a brief history of their great love story. So here is ours:
In 1995, Geo and I met because I was going out with his best friend. Years passed. I married someone else, while elsewhere in the country Geo was off dating and banging random chicks. More years passed. My first husband and I decided to separate. One day, I was unemployed and found out Geo was unemployed too. Our unemployed asses started hanging out. Because there's nothing quite like being drunk at a movie theatre at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday. Our original intention was just to be friends (and I have bar napkins scrawled with the names of every person either one of us has slept with to prove it.) And we managed this for quite awhile, until Fate stepped in under the guise of Too Many Drunken Nights Alone With Each Other. We decided we were good together. Discussed a small wedding ceremony in Hawaii. Fate laughed and stepped in again, this time under the guise of Too Much Whiskey and a Red Victoria's Secret Bustier. Two people started growing in my stomach. Quickie ceremony at City Hall during which we both cried. Possibly for different reasons. Two little girls popped out of my stomach. And here we are. But um, a little more romantic than that. Romantic like shared humor and actual love and respect for one another versus fire hazards and stinky incense. Though flowers are nice.
Other people chose to celebrate Valentine's Day with heartfelt messages to their loved one. I can do that too:
"Geo, I love you more than food. MORE. THAN. FOOD."
But since I'm too lazy to do all that (hee) I'll just make a list.
I made the usual blog rounds and have come back here in guilt, that I have yet to address this momentous holiday. I am happily enamored of my significant other so there's no reason for me to ignore such an important time in consumerism. Is that a word? My point is, people have chosen many ways to celebrate this day. Some chose poetry. So I wrote a poem:
- For Geo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like your penis
(and you too)
Some other people chose to give a brief history of their great love story. So here is ours:
In 1995, Geo and I met because I was going out with his best friend. Years passed. I married someone else, while elsewhere in the country Geo was off dating and banging random chicks. More years passed. My first husband and I decided to separate. One day, I was unemployed and found out Geo was unemployed too. Our unemployed asses started hanging out. Because there's nothing quite like being drunk at a movie theatre at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday. Our original intention was just to be friends (and I have bar napkins scrawled with the names of every person either one of us has slept with to prove it.) And we managed this for quite awhile, until Fate stepped in under the guise of Too Many Drunken Nights Alone With Each Other. We decided we were good together. Discussed a small wedding ceremony in Hawaii. Fate laughed and stepped in again, this time under the guise of Too Much Whiskey and a Red Victoria's Secret Bustier. Two people started growing in my stomach. Quickie ceremony at City Hall during which we both cried. Possibly for different reasons. Two little girls popped out of my stomach. And here we are. But um, a little more romantic than that. Romantic like shared humor and actual love and respect for one another versus fire hazards and stinky incense. Though flowers are nice.
Other people chose to celebrate Valentine's Day with heartfelt messages to their loved one. I can do that too:
"Geo, I love you more than food. MORE. THAN. FOOD."
But since I'm too lazy to do all that (hee) I'll just make a list.
- Top 8 Things That Rock About Geo
1. He doesn't just love me and the kiddos, he actually likes us too. Love is obligatory. Like isn't.
2. He's good at everything. Seriously. It's a bit scary at times.
3. He's strong, but doesn't need to assert his manliness for the sole purpose of asserting it.
4. He makes the best garlic mashed potatoes. Period.
5. He's that guy that won't say anything for twenty minutes, then when he does it's hysterical. He talks a lot when it's just the two of us though. Not that anyone believes it.
6. He doesn't whine and bitch and moan over the things he can't change.
7. If it's important to me, it's important to him. Even if it's the stupidest thing on the planet and we both know it. Or he just knows it.
8. Everything else I didn't mention.
December 28, 2005
Christmas Day
Christmas Day
On Christmas Day, Geo and I thrilled my grandmother by attending church. But probably didn't thrill God too much, because we couldn't stop laughing at how mad one of the choir singers was getting, because some lady with a horrible voice kept singing over her solos. And the father in front of us was derailing my efforts to keep a straight face, because he kept putting his hand on his 15-year-old daughter's ass. I think I was literally gagging. Not very churchy. Also, I must once again voice my protest that Catholic priests all seem to speak in a monotone. But then (after a brief discussion) it was time to take communion and go home.
Geo: I don't like the bread thing.
Me: What, the communion wafer? Why not?
Geo: Well who knows who's been touching it, and then you're sitting there chewing on it.
Me: I don't know if you're supposed to munch on "the body of Christ" -- it seems disrespectful. I kind of just let it melt.
Geo: Okay then who knows who's touched it and there it is melting in your mouth.
I thought about saying "and not in your hand" but it seemed like too obvious a joke.
Afterwards, we headed over to my cousin's house in Matawan to do the Christmas stopping by thing. When you factor in travel time, Christmas should really be a few days long. It's exhausting to pack it all into 24 hours. But interesting things happen around family. Like how my aunt/godmother got tired of my teasing and smacked me on the face at the dinner table.
Aunt (looking at me while telling a story): And then... and then... and then...
Me (rather helpfully, I thought) My name is Riss...
*SMACK*
Aunt: You are so annoying.
Uncle (laughing): She's not senile... yet.
I was able to keep the embargo on jokes for only a few minutes though. But I directed them away from the person whose comeback is literally a slap in the face. I mean it's not like I can smack her back, we Asian people are taught to be respectful of our elders. And why hit someone when you can cough on their silverware instead, when they're not looking (just kidding). No really. My cousin then gave a rather enthusiastic dissertation on the merits of fine wines.
Cousin: You see, wine tasting is subjective--
Me: To how many glasses you've already had. If you've already had 8 glasses you start enthusing about how full the bouquet of this wine in a box is.
After my cousin's house we hit up Geo's aunt's house in Cherry Hill, where his family's Christmas festivities take place every year. It felt a bit weird upon entry, and someone whispered there was some sort of drama taking place. Which prompted my decision to forgo dinner in favor of some wine. Needless to say, I had a good time even if I was the only one who did. I think a lot of people wish they had the foresight to be drunk at family gatherings. There was only one thing I felt bad about. Geo made me an awesome wooden card with a handwritten message on parchment inside. Remember how I said that trying to read while drunk is like trying to watch a silent movie upside down? I must have read that thing about 12 times and still had no clue what it said. I couldn't put the words together in my mind. But Geo was waiting so I kinda faked the awwwwwwwww. But he could tell I was faking it and thought I just didn't like what he wrote. I am such an ass. Luckily I explained it to him the next morning and he laughed at me. All good!
And... thanks Janelle for the pasta serving set and Kwame for the Hero DVD, The Once and Future King book and the creme brulee cookies!
On Christmas Day, Geo and I thrilled my grandmother by attending church. But probably didn't thrill God too much, because we couldn't stop laughing at how mad one of the choir singers was getting, because some lady with a horrible voice kept singing over her solos. And the father in front of us was derailing my efforts to keep a straight face, because he kept putting his hand on his 15-year-old daughter's ass. I think I was literally gagging. Not very churchy. Also, I must once again voice my protest that Catholic priests all seem to speak in a monotone. But then (after a brief discussion) it was time to take communion and go home.
Geo: I don't like the bread thing.
Me: What, the communion wafer? Why not?
Geo: Well who knows who's been touching it, and then you're sitting there chewing on it.
Me: I don't know if you're supposed to munch on "the body of Christ" -- it seems disrespectful. I kind of just let it melt.
Geo: Okay then who knows who's touched it and there it is melting in your mouth.
I thought about saying "and not in your hand" but it seemed like too obvious a joke.
Afterwards, we headed over to my cousin's house in Matawan to do the Christmas stopping by thing. When you factor in travel time, Christmas should really be a few days long. It's exhausting to pack it all into 24 hours. But interesting things happen around family. Like how my aunt/godmother got tired of my teasing and smacked me on the face at the dinner table.
Aunt (looking at me while telling a story): And then... and then... and then...
Me (rather helpfully, I thought) My name is Riss...
*SMACK*
Aunt: You are so annoying.
Uncle (laughing): She's not senile... yet.
I was able to keep the embargo on jokes for only a few minutes though. But I directed them away from the person whose comeback is literally a slap in the face. I mean it's not like I can smack her back, we Asian people are taught to be respectful of our elders. And why hit someone when you can cough on their silverware instead, when they're not looking (just kidding). No really. My cousin then gave a rather enthusiastic dissertation on the merits of fine wines.
Cousin: You see, wine tasting is subjective--
Me: To how many glasses you've already had. If you've already had 8 glasses you start enthusing about how full the bouquet of this wine in a box is.
After my cousin's house we hit up Geo's aunt's house in Cherry Hill, where his family's Christmas festivities take place every year. It felt a bit weird upon entry, and someone whispered there was some sort of drama taking place. Which prompted my decision to forgo dinner in favor of some wine. Needless to say, I had a good time even if I was the only one who did. I think a lot of people wish they had the foresight to be drunk at family gatherings. There was only one thing I felt bad about. Geo made me an awesome wooden card with a handwritten message on parchment inside. Remember how I said that trying to read while drunk is like trying to watch a silent movie upside down? I must have read that thing about 12 times and still had no clue what it said. I couldn't put the words together in my mind. But Geo was waiting so I kinda faked the awwwwwwwww. But he could tell I was faking it and thought I just didn't like what he wrote. I am such an ass. Luckily I explained it to him the next morning and he laughed at me. All good!
And... thanks Janelle for the pasta serving set and Kwame for the Hero DVD, The Once and Future King book and the creme brulee cookies!
December 27, 2005
Christmas Eve Festivities
Christmas Eve Festivities
On Christmas Eve, Mike J, Tony and Girlie came over to eat a loooooooot of food and exchange presents. The menu consisted of Oreo brownies, lasagna, spinach dip and penne a la vodka with grilled chicken and asparagus (courtesy of me) and turkey, stuffing and garlic mashed potatoes (courtesy of Geo). And a liberal quantity of Jack Daniels, courtesy of Tony's gift to Mike J. We got solidly liquored up, because what better way to spend such a religious occasion. We even had some articulate religious discussion:
Me: Look at Mike sitting there, pretending he didn't kill Jesus and everything.
Mike: It wasn't my fault!
Tony: Yeah it was, your peoples were yelling "Crucify him! Crucify him!"
Mike: But I've got my Christmas sweater on. I'm the only one.
Me: Yes, because when they say "don we now our gay apparel" they didn't mean that definition of the word gay.
Tony: Didn't you wear that sweater last year?
Mike: Ummm..... it's my Christmas sweater!!!
I was only kidding about the apparel comment though. No self-respecting gay man would be caught dead in that sweater. Or he might, but it's only because someone put it on after he was already dead.
So after we ate and drank and were merry, we opened our gifts. Geo and I made most of the ones we gave, which you know sounds pretty cheap but each one took HOURS to make. So there. Thanks G for the Barnes and Noble gift card, thanks T for the Patron Silver tequila and thanks Mike for the Marvel Characters and their Universe and X-Men books and the Marvel Nemesis Gamecube game. We all played that game until 5 in the morning. I was feeling a bit guilty because I thought Geo was going to get robbed of a gift, the way he did last year when Audrey got him a faux fur throw I COINCIDENTALLY had been lusting after (ahem). But Mike passed off the new fur throw as his birthday gift and got him Madden 2006 for Christmas. And Tony got him a Sirius Satellite radio thing so he could listen to Howard. And G got him a nice scarf. So thanks again you guys and WOOT!
Oh and just for the record, Tony kicked all our asses in the drunken spitting contest. We all made it at least six or seven feet, but Tony's landed somewhere in Bayonne. Oh and Mike made me drunk dial the NORAD Santa trackers at about 3am and Santa was apparently in Mission Viejo, California.
On Christmas Eve, Mike J, Tony and Girlie came over to eat a loooooooot of food and exchange presents. The menu consisted of Oreo brownies, lasagna, spinach dip and penne a la vodka with grilled chicken and asparagus (courtesy of me) and turkey, stuffing and garlic mashed potatoes (courtesy of Geo). And a liberal quantity of Jack Daniels, courtesy of Tony's gift to Mike J. We got solidly liquored up, because what better way to spend such a religious occasion. We even had some articulate religious discussion:
Me: Look at Mike sitting there, pretending he didn't kill Jesus and everything.
Mike: It wasn't my fault!
Tony: Yeah it was, your peoples were yelling "Crucify him! Crucify him!"
Mike: But I've got my Christmas sweater on. I'm the only one.
Me: Yes, because when they say "don we now our gay apparel" they didn't mean that definition of the word gay.
Tony: Didn't you wear that sweater last year?
Mike: Ummm..... it's my Christmas sweater!!!
I was only kidding about the apparel comment though. No self-respecting gay man would be caught dead in that sweater. Or he might, but it's only because someone put it on after he was already dead.
So after we ate and drank and were merry, we opened our gifts. Geo and I made most of the ones we gave, which you know sounds pretty cheap but each one took HOURS to make. So there. Thanks G for the Barnes and Noble gift card, thanks T for the Patron Silver tequila and thanks Mike for the Marvel Characters and their Universe and X-Men books and the Marvel Nemesis Gamecube game. We all played that game until 5 in the morning. I was feeling a bit guilty because I thought Geo was going to get robbed of a gift, the way he did last year when Audrey got him a faux fur throw I COINCIDENTALLY had been lusting after (ahem). But Mike passed off the new fur throw as his birthday gift and got him Madden 2006 for Christmas. And Tony got him a Sirius Satellite radio thing so he could listen to Howard. And G got him a nice scarf. So thanks again you guys and WOOT!
Can't put up any other pics or Kwame and Abel will see what they got.
Oh and just for the record, Tony kicked all our asses in the drunken spitting contest. We all made it at least six or seven feet, but Tony's landed somewhere in Bayonne. Oh and Mike made me drunk dial the NORAD Santa trackers at about 3am and Santa was apparently in Mission Viejo, California.
December 25, 2005
Merry Christmas
I am pretty damn gone. Seriously (it's not just the liquor talking) I hope you guys have amazing holidays.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Merry Christmas everyone!
December 17, 2005
In Defense of Christmas
In Defense of Christmas
To my knowledge, I've always liked Christmas. I say "to my knowledge" because there may have been a time, during my idiot college years, when I rode the "commercialism sucks" train. Don't think there was though. As a child growing up in California, Christmas was fun. As an adult in New Jersey, Christmas is pretty damn cool. It's more Christmasy here. There's snow and sleds and chimneys and hot chocolate. Santa can actually rock his traditional gear here. The last time I spent Christmas in Los Angeles, I walked onto the plane in snow boots and a fur jacket and walked off the plane in a miniskirt and heels. It's just weird.
Which contradicts a thought I had in 1997, that I would enjoy living in a climate that was warm all year. Christmas is just better when it's cold, maybe because it fits the Norman Rockwell theme. Even the commercialism is fun to me now. So car dealerships put reindeers in the window and hire hoey Santa girls to greet the customers. Big fucking deal.
Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas
To my knowledge, I've always liked Christmas. I say "to my knowledge" because there may have been a time, during my idiot college years, when I rode the "commercialism sucks" train. Don't think there was though. As a child growing up in California, Christmas was fun. As an adult in New Jersey, Christmas is pretty damn cool. It's more Christmasy here. There's snow and sleds and chimneys and hot chocolate. Santa can actually rock his traditional gear here. The last time I spent Christmas in Los Angeles, I walked onto the plane in snow boots and a fur jacket and walked off the plane in a miniskirt and heels. It's just weird.
Which contradicts a thought I had in 1997, that I would enjoy living in a climate that was warm all year. Christmas is just better when it's cold, maybe because it fits the Norman Rockwell theme. Even the commercialism is fun to me now. So car dealerships put reindeers in the window and hire hoey Santa girls to greet the customers. Big fucking deal.
Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas
- Egg Nog -- "It feels so good when it touches your lips." But not so good an hour later, when you remember you're "lactose displeased" (not completely intolerant, more like your stomach is unhappy with all things dairy.) Egg nog has the gas-inducing force of milk, to the power of twelve.
- Christmas Cards -- You can look at it one of two ways. Either be bitter because it's the one time of year that you hear from some people, or be happy that they're still alive and care that you're still alive.
- Christmas Carols -- Sure some of them suck. When I worked in retail, every time they played Madonna's rendition of "Santa Baby" I wanted to stab myself in the ear with a coat hanger. But some of the others are good. My favorites are the Ray Conniff medleys of all the traditional songs, Adeste Fideles, that one Band Aid song and the U2 one.
- Decorated houses -- It's nice to see people who are festive and take pride in their homes. Even ghetto ass Jersey City has some houses where the lights are so plentiful, they almost completely cover the graffiti and barbed wire.
- Thanks to the guilt of being assholes for the entire year, people are inclined to be nicer. Naturally this doesn't count anyone who works in the service industry, anyone who waited until the last day to do their shopping and anyone making returns the day after. Oh and PSE&G. Thieving rat bastards. PSE&G BLOWS during the winter season.
- Christmas Trees -- Real ones, not fake ones like this one made of tampons. When I was a kid, the best part of Christmas wasn't opening presents, it was decorating the tree. Except the year my parents decided to use fake, spray-on snow. The momentary high wasn't worth the headache and nosebleed.
- Christmas sales -- The fact that I no longer have my own income makes these particular events even more important. So those evil corporations can commercialize Christmas all they want, as long as they mark down those prices.
- Presents, both the giving of and the receiving of. There's nothing better than the look on your friend's face when he opens up that pink, cable-knit sweater with the snowflakes on it. Okay not really. I'm a good gift-giver. (Don't forget, what do you get the woman who has EVERYTHING? The Sperm Necklace. No, not *a* sperm necklace. THE sperm necklace.) And for the friends who've been asking what I want this year, I'd like a Swiffer Wet Jet and baking dishes but that's kind of gay. So here.
- Midnight mass -- I haven't been to one of these in awhile, but I always enjoyed them. I think it's because with the dark night sky, one might actually be able to see and avoid the hail of fire and brimstone before it hits. Also, I'm a fan of events that are held out of time, place or season. Which explains why I throw barbeques in February and like eating breakfast at night.
- The random foods that you only see during the holidays. Almond Roca. Egg-nog flavored biscotti. Chestnuts. Tiramisu caramels. Candy canes. Hershey kisses the size of my head. Geo had to wrench a box of chocolate-covered potato chips out of my hands at Costco. I was enraged at his audacity for a solid three seconds, until I remembered my resolution to not make any stupid purchases until after all the Christmas presents are bought.
December 14, 2005
Happy Birthday Geo
This Is Your Birthday Song, It Doesn't Last Too Long HEY!
Two of my very favorite people were born today.
Just between me and you, I like one a bit more than the other because I sleep with him. Don't tell anyone though.
51. Geo was born at Jersey City Med, almost 2 weeks late.
52. People think Geo is quiet but he actually talks a lot to people he knows.
53. He is even more politically incorrect than I am.
54. But flies under the radar so no one can tell. This blog outs him a lot though.
55. Geo not only fixes everything in the house that breaks (including the plumbing), he also fixes our roof, laid the tiles down in the bathroom and kitchen, puts up shelves and builds random things around the house.
56. He likes putting things together, even IKEA crap and toys.
57. Geo isn't quite lactose intolerant, more like "lactose displeased."
58. Which doesn't stop him from putting cheese in everything he eats.
59. Geo consumes White Castle murder burgers, McDonald's double cheeseburgers, ice cream and coffee by the truckload and never gains any weight.
60. He doesn't work out either. It's pretty sickening.
61. His first dog was named Skippy. Skippy died in a tragic water accident.
62. Geo plays The Cure and Smashing Pumpkins when I'm not in the car.
63. He has a pretty nice singing voice, not that he ever sings.
64. He can also draw very well, not that he ever draws anymore. And dance very well, not that he ever dances. And play the drums very well, not that he really drums anymore either.
65. Geo once had to stuff his girlfriend's best friend in the closet... naked.
66. When his girlfriend knocked at the door to get some.
67. It took 5 years to shake off the last of the karma.
68. Geo randomly dislikes Julia Roberts, Renee Zellweger and Kirsten Dunst. Every time one flashes on the screen he goes "Oh I hate that girl."
69. He wants to live somewhere warm.
70. Geo loves aquariums. He used to have some big piranhas that went nuts when the ph balance in the tank was altered. The last two ate each other to death simultaneously.
Two of my very favorite people were born today.
Just between me and you, I like one a bit more than the other because I sleep with him. Don't tell anyone though.
51. Geo was born at Jersey City Med, almost 2 weeks late.
52. People think Geo is quiet but he actually talks a lot to people he knows.
53. He is even more politically incorrect than I am.
54. But flies under the radar so no one can tell. This blog outs him a lot though.
55. Geo not only fixes everything in the house that breaks (including the plumbing), he also fixes our roof, laid the tiles down in the bathroom and kitchen, puts up shelves and builds random things around the house.
56. He likes putting things together, even IKEA crap and toys.
57. Geo isn't quite lactose intolerant, more like "lactose displeased."
58. Which doesn't stop him from putting cheese in everything he eats.
59. Geo consumes White Castle murder burgers, McDonald's double cheeseburgers, ice cream and coffee by the truckload and never gains any weight.
60. He doesn't work out either. It's pretty sickening.
61. His first dog was named Skippy. Skippy died in a tragic water accident.
62. Geo plays The Cure and Smashing Pumpkins when I'm not in the car.
63. He has a pretty nice singing voice, not that he ever sings.
64. He can also draw very well, not that he ever draws anymore. And dance very well, not that he ever dances. And play the drums very well, not that he really drums anymore either.
65. Geo once had to stuff his girlfriend's best friend in the closet... naked.
66. When his girlfriend knocked at the door to get some.
67. It took 5 years to shake off the last of the karma.
68. Geo randomly dislikes Julia Roberts, Renee Zellweger and Kirsten Dunst. Every time one flashes on the screen he goes "Oh I hate that girl."
69. He wants to live somewhere warm.
70. Geo loves aquariums. He used to have some big piranhas that went nuts when the ph balance in the tank was altered. The last two ate each other to death simultaneously.
November 26, 2005
Black Friday Madness
Black Friday Madness
I'm only posting now because it's taken me 38 hours to recuperate. Geo and I were in desperate need of a new TV, so we decided to brave the crowds at Best Buy on the morning of Black Friday. With the precision of soldiers planning to storm a well-fortified stronghold, we identified the Best Buy in East Hanover as the one most likely to have the least amount of early birds. The one in Secaucus is in close proximity to Newark and Jersey City, while the one in Union is in the middle of Route 22, the consumer capital of central Jersey. The store opened at 5 so we planned to leave the house by 2 a.m.
On Wednesday night, after a plateful of garlic mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, sauteed onions and bell peppers, Geo and the kids went to bed early. I on the other hand, decided to drink a crapload of rum. For practical purposes of course, to keep my body temperature high while waiting for two hours in 19 degree weather. We got to Best Buy a little before 3 a.m. and there was a line in place, wrapping around the fricken building. Every Best Buy was only promising a minimum stock of TWO of the televisions we wanted, and there were about 60 people ahead of us. After a quick conference ("Fuck it, we're here already") we got in line. It was colder than a witch's ears. I would have said tit but you know, those never really get ice cold. So it makes no sense that a witch's tit, despite her overall body temperature, would be colder than her ears. But I digress.
We stood around shaking for an hour, then cheerful Best Buy employees began handing out reservation tickets for the popular items. Naturally, our television wasn't one of them. Luckily though, this served to weed out a bunch of people in front of us, who left when they realized they weren't going to get their $350 Toshiba laptops. The thing that cracked me up the most was how close-mouthed people in line were about what exactly they were planning to buy. Geo and I did it as well. Even though the item was on the advertisement that over a 150 people were currently thumbing through. Whenever we spoke to the people around us it was always "what we came here to get" instead of "the $390 widescreen HDTV." International spies are more forthcoming with their plans. By the way, it's fun to stand in line on Black Friday and say things like "What's this line for?" Or, "I'm only waiting here to get Shrek 2 for 6 bucks."
At 4:45, the Best Buy people started getting ready to open their doors. That's when about 60 people bum rushed from the side, who hadn't waited in line. Fuckers. I was getting seriously pissed as I saw that after waiting in the freezing cold for 2 hours, instead of being the 50th person or so through the doors, we were about to be the 100th. So I grabbed Geo and started insinuating us through cracks and between people until we were nearer to the front. It's like sex. The key is to slip through holes, not bang psychotically against people until you get lucky. The doors opened and as planned Geo went straight to the television section while I detoured through the DVDs to pick up Shrek 2 (Thought I was kidding? Remember who plays Puss In Boots?)
When I got to the TVs, Geo was the fourth person in line to order. The guy in front of him was one of the people who had cut the line and if he had ordered "our" TV I seriously might have started an all-out rumble. I was packing... a granola bar, some cough drops and Burt's Bees chapstick. MacGuyver could have totally built weaponry with that. But he got something else and so, WE GOT OUR TV, WOOT! The guy behind us got one too and then that was it. They were all out. The ad said "minimum 2 in stock per store" and they meant that shit. Have to give them props though, the customers were rabid, but the Best Buy employees were great. You know that crap you see on TV with people stampeding? There wasn't any of that at all in East Hanover.
Overall, it was a lot more harmless than I thought it was going to be. I totally didn't even need my cammies. Janelle and Manny hit up Circuit City down south in Deptford I think it was, and when they left cops were swarming the place. Some guy stabbed another one over a fricken laptop. Smart move. It's 30 years in jail but hey, he saved $300.
I'm only posting now because it's taken me 38 hours to recuperate. Geo and I were in desperate need of a new TV, so we decided to brave the crowds at Best Buy on the morning of Black Friday. With the precision of soldiers planning to storm a well-fortified stronghold, we identified the Best Buy in East Hanover as the one most likely to have the least amount of early birds. The one in Secaucus is in close proximity to Newark and Jersey City, while the one in Union is in the middle of Route 22, the consumer capital of central Jersey. The store opened at 5 so we planned to leave the house by 2 a.m.
On Wednesday night, after a plateful of garlic mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, sauteed onions and bell peppers, Geo and the kids went to bed early. I on the other hand, decided to drink a crapload of rum. For practical purposes of course, to keep my body temperature high while waiting for two hours in 19 degree weather. We got to Best Buy a little before 3 a.m. and there was a line in place, wrapping around the fricken building. Every Best Buy was only promising a minimum stock of TWO of the televisions we wanted, and there were about 60 people ahead of us. After a quick conference ("Fuck it, we're here already") we got in line. It was colder than a witch's ears. I would have said tit but you know, those never really get ice cold. So it makes no sense that a witch's tit, despite her overall body temperature, would be colder than her ears. But I digress.
We stood around shaking for an hour, then cheerful Best Buy employees began handing out reservation tickets for the popular items. Naturally, our television wasn't one of them. Luckily though, this served to weed out a bunch of people in front of us, who left when they realized they weren't going to get their $350 Toshiba laptops. The thing that cracked me up the most was how close-mouthed people in line were about what exactly they were planning to buy. Geo and I did it as well. Even though the item was on the advertisement that over a 150 people were currently thumbing through. Whenever we spoke to the people around us it was always "what we came here to get" instead of "the $390 widescreen HDTV." International spies are more forthcoming with their plans. By the way, it's fun to stand in line on Black Friday and say things like "What's this line for?" Or, "I'm only waiting here to get Shrek 2 for 6 bucks."
At 4:45, the Best Buy people started getting ready to open their doors. That's when about 60 people bum rushed from the side, who hadn't waited in line. Fuckers. I was getting seriously pissed as I saw that after waiting in the freezing cold for 2 hours, instead of being the 50th person or so through the doors, we were about to be the 100th. So I grabbed Geo and started insinuating us through cracks and between people until we were nearer to the front. It's like sex. The key is to slip through holes, not bang psychotically against people until you get lucky. The doors opened and as planned Geo went straight to the television section while I detoured through the DVDs to pick up Shrek 2 (Thought I was kidding? Remember who plays Puss In Boots?)
When I got to the TVs, Geo was the fourth person in line to order. The guy in front of him was one of the people who had cut the line and if he had ordered "our" TV I seriously might have started an all-out rumble. I was packing... a granola bar, some cough drops and Burt's Bees chapstick. MacGuyver could have totally built weaponry with that. But he got something else and so, WE GOT OUR TV, WOOT! The guy behind us got one too and then that was it. They were all out. The ad said "minimum 2 in stock per store" and they meant that shit. Have to give them props though, the customers were rabid, but the Best Buy employees were great. You know that crap you see on TV with people stampeding? There wasn't any of that at all in East Hanover.
Overall, it was a lot more harmless than I thought it was going to be. I totally didn't even need my cammies. Janelle and Manny hit up Circuit City down south in Deptford I think it was, and when they left cops were swarming the place. Some guy stabbed another one over a fricken laptop. Smart move. It's 30 years in jail but hey, he saved $300.
November 2, 2005
Another Halloweeny Post
Another Halloweeny Post
(Just because it's my third favorite holiday)
Someone shared this link and after trying it a few times, I decided I was too immature to use it. Bored at work? Carve your own pumpkin. It's safe to open, unless you're like me and start drawing the pumpkin doing things no pumpkin was ever meant to do.
Geo dressed up in his costume to go to work. It's a vampire costume he uses every year, and every year I have to go on a scavenger hunt to find the various pieces. You'd think by now I would have learned to put it all together in the same place. I don't though, even now parts of it are probably in three different rooms. I think part of me enjoys the frantic, October 30th rush. Speaking of October 30, remember that whole I-forget-birthdays thing? It's not limited to friends. So to my darling little sister, who turned 25 even though in my mind she's frozen forever at 13, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAH!!!
Back to Geo, he went to work in his vampire costume and ran around all day fixing computers and saying things like "I can't believe I quit my night job for this." Hee. That guy makes me laugh. He told me that some woman stopped him and said rather flirtatiously, "Where were you last weekend when I needed my vampire?" And he didn't realize she was being flirty and answered her seriously. Poor Geo, I think he's lost his game. In a past life he would have been like "I'm not busy tonight. I can start at your neck and work my way down." Just kidding, Geo doesn't use cheesy come-on lines, I just like to think of them. Do you have any vampire in you? Would you like some?
After he got home from work, we headed over to my cousin's house in South Jersey. She has three kids and lives in an area where the homes don't have bars on the window and the day cares don't have fences wrapped in barbed wire. When we got to her house there was some drama going on because her oldest son forgot his Yoda costume at school, so she was trying to make him one. She took a bed sheet, cut out holes for the eyes and mouth, then put it over his head. It was pointy at the top. Geo and I took one look at him and just about died trying not to laugh. My cousin didn't get the joke but the southern part of Central Jersey has a large KKK membership. In some towns we don't even stop for gas, just in case. And here goes our little Filipino nephew running around in a big white sheet. Incidentally, there's another group of people who have ruined Halloween with their political agendas. Kids can't dress up as ghosts anymore without making people uncomfortable. My point is, my cousin thankfully busted out a Hulk mask at the last minute.
We took the kids trick-or-treating, and for a moment I felt bad for the kids we'd seen in Jersey City before we left. Suburban homes don't skimp on the candy. Not that there were many running around in JC, I left candy for my aunt to give out while we were gone but no one came. After the last house, we were walking back to my cousin's when a woman stopped us to oooh and aaah over the girls. She ran back to her vehicle (she and some guy were towing a car out of some driveway) and started digging around in her purse. I was wondering if she was going to give them a Trident or something when she came back and stuffed a dollar in each of their pails. Hysterical. You know, those kids are a gold mine.
When we got back to the house, my nephews wanted to engage in some candy negotiation. I came away with the lighter pail. Those kids would be monsters in the board room. It was like "I'll give you this questionable piece of generic candy the size of my fingernail for that Snickers and that Almond Joy." Only not in those exact words.
Later on that night, after everyone slept, I turned on the TV to see if any Halloween specials were on. I'm not kidding you, I love this holiday. I found a South Park episode modeled after the old Scooby Doos, with guest stars Korn. There was this one part where the gang was under attack by ghost pirates and Korn went "Powers of Korn activate" (different word though) and became various forms of corn -- corn on the cob, popcorn, a bowl of creamed corn. Then the corn just sat there and did nothing for a few moments, before they turned back. Seriously, I was fricken crying. If I were even more self-absorbed than I already am, I would think that the Gods of Comedy Central made that episode just for me. It even had an Antonio Banderas blow up doll in it. Exactly like the one in my clos-- never mind. Just pretend this post ended three sentences ago.
Sorry people, no pics yet. I forgot to charge my camera battery and had to use one of those ghetto ass disposable cameras.
(Just because it's my third favorite holiday)
Someone shared this link and after trying it a few times, I decided I was too immature to use it. Bored at work? Carve your own pumpkin. It's safe to open, unless you're like me and start drawing the pumpkin doing things no pumpkin was ever meant to do.
Geo dressed up in his costume to go to work. It's a vampire costume he uses every year, and every year I have to go on a scavenger hunt to find the various pieces. You'd think by now I would have learned to put it all together in the same place. I don't though, even now parts of it are probably in three different rooms. I think part of me enjoys the frantic, October 30th rush. Speaking of October 30, remember that whole I-forget-birthdays thing? It's not limited to friends. So to my darling little sister, who turned 25 even though in my mind she's frozen forever at 13, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAH!!!
Back to Geo, he went to work in his vampire costume and ran around all day fixing computers and saying things like "I can't believe I quit my night job for this." Hee. That guy makes me laugh. He told me that some woman stopped him and said rather flirtatiously, "Where were you last weekend when I needed my vampire?" And he didn't realize she was being flirty and answered her seriously. Poor Geo, I think he's lost his game. In a past life he would have been like "I'm not busy tonight. I can start at your neck and work my way down." Just kidding, Geo doesn't use cheesy come-on lines, I just like to think of them. Do you have any vampire in you? Would you like some?
After he got home from work, we headed over to my cousin's house in South Jersey. She has three kids and lives in an area where the homes don't have bars on the window and the day cares don't have fences wrapped in barbed wire. When we got to her house there was some drama going on because her oldest son forgot his Yoda costume at school, so she was trying to make him one. She took a bed sheet, cut out holes for the eyes and mouth, then put it over his head. It was pointy at the top. Geo and I took one look at him and just about died trying not to laugh. My cousin didn't get the joke but the southern part of Central Jersey has a large KKK membership. In some towns we don't even stop for gas, just in case. And here goes our little Filipino nephew running around in a big white sheet. Incidentally, there's another group of people who have ruined Halloween with their political agendas. Kids can't dress up as ghosts anymore without making people uncomfortable. My point is, my cousin thankfully busted out a Hulk mask at the last minute.
We took the kids trick-or-treating, and for a moment I felt bad for the kids we'd seen in Jersey City before we left. Suburban homes don't skimp on the candy. Not that there were many running around in JC, I left candy for my aunt to give out while we were gone but no one came. After the last house, we were walking back to my cousin's when a woman stopped us to oooh and aaah over the girls. She ran back to her vehicle (she and some guy were towing a car out of some driveway) and started digging around in her purse. I was wondering if she was going to give them a Trident or something when she came back and stuffed a dollar in each of their pails. Hysterical. You know, those kids are a gold mine.
When we got back to the house, my nephews wanted to engage in some candy negotiation. I came away with the lighter pail. Those kids would be monsters in the board room. It was like "I'll give you this questionable piece of generic candy the size of my fingernail for that Snickers and that Almond Joy." Only not in those exact words.
Later on that night, after everyone slept, I turned on the TV to see if any Halloween specials were on. I'm not kidding you, I love this holiday. I found a South Park episode modeled after the old Scooby Doos, with guest stars Korn. There was this one part where the gang was under attack by ghost pirates and Korn went "Powers of Korn activate" (different word though) and became various forms of corn -- corn on the cob, popcorn, a bowl of creamed corn. Then the corn just sat there and did nothing for a few moments, before they turned back. Seriously, I was fricken crying. If I were even more self-absorbed than I already am, I would think that the Gods of Comedy Central made that episode just for me. It even had an Antonio Banderas blow up doll in it. Exactly like the one in my clos-- never mind. Just pretend this post ended three sentences ago.
Sorry people, no pics yet. I forgot to charge my camera battery and had to use one of those ghetto ass disposable cameras.
October 31, 2005
Yet More Stuff
Yet More Stuff
Here in Jersey City I usually sit on my roof on Halloween and pick out the kids with lame costumes, then pelt them with old candy. This year though, I've upgraded to a paintball gun. But I use candy-flavored paint so it's okay. (Just kidding, we're actually going to a relative's house to take the kiddos trick or treating. A relative who lives in a really nice area. God knows what the hell you'd find in Jersey City candy.)
Top 6 Reasons Not To Go Trick or Treating In Jersey City
1. The treats may come with a special toy. "Oh wow!! It's an Abba Zabba... wrapped around a crack vial."
2. The "tricks" are less in the way of practical jokes and more in the way of bullets or ass beatings.
3. "Loot" has a different definition here. So does "rock" candy.
4. Your "Rock Star" costume was cute at the store but now "Hey mami how much?" is just getting old.
5. At the end of the night, if you by some miracle still have your pumpkin, it will probably be filled less with candy and more with gum wrappers, empty dime bags, used needles, partially-eaten fruit and random receipts.
6. Weed-flavored chocolate is one of those "better in theory" things.
Moving right along... The merits of fantasy football still have to be weighed. Is the fun worth the aggravation of watching Santana Moss bring in 2.3 fantasy points because the Redskins got buttfucked by the Giants? I don't know. Plus, I can't handle the curse of fantasy football. You know, that a particular player will do really well until you put him on YOUR team. Speaking of the Giants, have to throw up a moment of silence for Duke Mara, would that all sports team owners were more like him.
Advertising cracks me up. "Miller Lite... America's Fastest Growing Beer." What does that mean? I picture a 6-pack in my fridge, that turns into a 24-pack by halftime. By the end of the game there are five cases of beer in the fridge, despite the fact that people have been drinking steadily for the last three hours. Then hell yeah I'd buy that beer! I'm not even a big beer fan, just a fan of liquor that spawns free liquor.
And because you know I can't have a post that doesn't piss a few people off...
I understand that everyone and their mother has a political agenda. But it'd be nice if people just gave it a rest every so often. Some woman put up a Halloween display on her front lawn, of a witch breastfeeding. Her hope is that it draws attention to a national crisis or whatever. So yay for you woman, pat yourself on the back and bask in your glory. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less whether or not a woman breastfeeds in public. If the kid is hungry, the kid is hungry. And it's her front lawn blah blah blah. But can't a few things be agenda-free? Just a few, like Halloween. Next we're going to see displays of witches and goblins being "tortured" at Gitmo, while across the street, displays of witches and goblins get hit by Hamas nail bombs. And down the street, witches getting abortions while goblins picket outside. And next to that, a goblin jerking off because you can't get pregnant if you're abstinent.
I have to admit though, the "national debate" over breastfeeding in public amuses me. I understand why the country is prude over sex, but prude over someone feeding their kid is bizarre. Unless of course, the kid is like 6 years old. If you're breastfeeding your kid and he's old enough to walk himself to the store and buy some Oreos to go with it, then it's time to wean even if he's "not ready." By the way, here's an interesting fact about breastfeeding. Research shows that men are the number one proponents of it. In fact, 97 out of a 100 men randomly stopped on the street recommend that women breastfeed their kids, husbands, friends and strange men at the bar, whenever possible. In public, private, restaurants, bathrooms, the grocery store, wherever. The other 3 men polled wore spandex and had really great hair.
Here in Jersey City I usually sit on my roof on Halloween and pick out the kids with lame costumes, then pelt them with old candy. This year though, I've upgraded to a paintball gun. But I use candy-flavored paint so it's okay. (Just kidding, we're actually going to a relative's house to take the kiddos trick or treating. A relative who lives in a really nice area. God knows what the hell you'd find in Jersey City candy.)
Top 6 Reasons Not To Go Trick or Treating In Jersey City
1. The treats may come with a special toy. "Oh wow!! It's an Abba Zabba... wrapped around a crack vial."
2. The "tricks" are less in the way of practical jokes and more in the way of bullets or ass beatings.
3. "Loot" has a different definition here. So does "rock" candy.
4. Your "Rock Star" costume was cute at the store but now "Hey mami how much?" is just getting old.
5. At the end of the night, if you by some miracle still have your pumpkin, it will probably be filled less with candy and more with gum wrappers, empty dime bags, used needles, partially-eaten fruit and random receipts.
6. Weed-flavored chocolate is one of those "better in theory" things.
Moving right along... The merits of fantasy football still have to be weighed. Is the fun worth the aggravation of watching Santana Moss bring in 2.3 fantasy points because the Redskins got buttfucked by the Giants? I don't know. Plus, I can't handle the curse of fantasy football. You know, that a particular player will do really well until you put him on YOUR team. Speaking of the Giants, have to throw up a moment of silence for Duke Mara, would that all sports team owners were more like him.
Advertising cracks me up. "Miller Lite... America's Fastest Growing Beer." What does that mean? I picture a 6-pack in my fridge, that turns into a 24-pack by halftime. By the end of the game there are five cases of beer in the fridge, despite the fact that people have been drinking steadily for the last three hours. Then hell yeah I'd buy that beer! I'm not even a big beer fan, just a fan of liquor that spawns free liquor.
And because you know I can't have a post that doesn't piss a few people off...
I understand that everyone and their mother has a political agenda. But it'd be nice if people just gave it a rest every so often. Some woman put up a Halloween display on her front lawn, of a witch breastfeeding. Her hope is that it draws attention to a national crisis or whatever. So yay for you woman, pat yourself on the back and bask in your glory. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less whether or not a woman breastfeeds in public. If the kid is hungry, the kid is hungry. And it's her front lawn blah blah blah. But can't a few things be agenda-free? Just a few, like Halloween. Next we're going to see displays of witches and goblins being "tortured" at Gitmo, while across the street, displays of witches and goblins get hit by Hamas nail bombs. And down the street, witches getting abortions while goblins picket outside. And next to that, a goblin jerking off because you can't get pregnant if you're abstinent.
I have to admit though, the "national debate" over breastfeeding in public amuses me. I understand why the country is prude over sex, but prude over someone feeding their kid is bizarre. Unless of course, the kid is like 6 years old. If you're breastfeeding your kid and he's old enough to walk himself to the store and buy some Oreos to go with it, then it's time to wean even if he's "not ready." By the way, here's an interesting fact about breastfeeding. Research shows that men are the number one proponents of it. In fact, 97 out of a 100 men randomly stopped on the street recommend that women breastfeed their kids, husbands, friends and strange men at the bar, whenever possible. In public, private, restaurants, bathrooms, the grocery store, wherever. The other 3 men polled wore spandex and had really great hair.
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