First of course... resolutions. Incidentally, it's annoying when people say crap like "I don't make resolutions because if you really want to do something you should just do it and not wait for the new year" blah blah blah. Okay save it you self-important punk. It's tradition!! A lame tradition maybe, but tradition nonetheless. Last year I resolved to quit smoking, which was followed through upon (despite a recent momentary lapse that felt really, really, REALLY, stupidly, all things great and wonderful good.) I also promised to start working out and eating healthier, which also happened. We won't discuss the resolutions that fell by the wayside.
This year, I've resolved to:
BE A NICE PERSON.
I'll wait for the laughter to subside. Assuming there is laughter, which is a possibility since every time I've said it to someone their first response is a bark of disbelieving laughter followed by "Wait, you're serious?" And then more laughter as they ponder my impending failure at this Herculean task. The Augean Stables ain't got shit on the whirling cesspool of vile thoughts that is my mind.
To prepare for this, I consulted two guys I know, who are widely considered to be nice people, something that flabbergasts me because I've heard some of the things they say. I have changed their names to protect their identities.
Me: Let's discuss this whole me-being-nice thing. HA! Crap, now you fuckers have ME laughing out loud every time I say it. Okay so you guys are pretty often referred to as nice people. What is the difference between you and me?
Stike: You mean besides the penises?
Meve (in an accent local to a continent in Oceania): Yes, there are those.
Me: Yes, besides the penises. What makes people hang out with you and think you're a nice person?
Meve: Well you know most people when they think of something to say, they pass it through a filter. And maybe they will either refrain from saying it or change it to something else. Whereas you...
Me: Sooooo in order to be nice, I have to lie a lot. Got it.
Stike: Well.... yes.
Me: So when I got in the car today and said "It took you an hour and 15 minutes to get ready, why don't you just slit your penis, turn it inside out and turn it into a vagaina already" that's one of those things I will have to stop saying.
Me: This is going to suck. Maybe I'll just resolve to be a nicER person.
Stike: No way, that's too easy.
Me: Baby steps, you have to learn to crawl before you run.
Meve: My resolution is to stop drinking.
Meve: No, liquor.
Stike: Oh that sounds good! I think I'll do that one too.
Me: Yeah okay. I wish you guys luck in that endeavor.
Meve: Maybe we'll just hinge our resolution on yours. The moment you fail at yours then we don't have to do ours anymore.
Me: Okay so champagne toast at 12:03 A.M. it is!
As it turns out, I completely overestimated myself. Right after midnight on New Year's, someone said we had to call someone and I made a face and said "Oh God, must we." My friend Julie caught me and started laughing. "Fuck, did I even make it to 12:01 A.M." No. More laughter. Sucks. I get three strikes don't I? Oh well. I have other resolutions too but they're generic, "Take Eskrima or French lessons" blah.
Well screw it, who wants to start the New Year off with a lengthy discussion of my failure. Let's talk about happy things.
CONGRATULATIONS MAZ AND RHANDS!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you guys a long life, filled with all the wonderful things you both deserve. *mwah* (P.S. Maz - Of course I SO have some 12-01-06D reserved for you. It's a bit difficult to wrap though, the tape keeps nicking my tongue. Maybe I'll just put it in a gift bag.)