Things About My Friends: Part 4

I tossed the last post into my drafts because I don't want to start the year off on such a pessimistic note. It has nothing to do with attitude and everything to do with me picturing a round table of various deities, looking down and saying "You think that was bad" before dropping a big ass boulder on my head.

So let's get back to business. And what better way to do that than to talk smack about the very people who helped lift me up, and other various friends. Well, I could think of a few better ways but they involve food served in restaurants that are closed right now.

Things About My Friends: Part 4
(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

Abel went to go see a movie a couple of months ago by himself. I don't know which one it was, but it was a manly flick chock-full of explosions and automatic weapons. As he exited the theatre, he saw that Dreamer (the horse movie starring Dakota Fanning) was about to start. So he slipped into there and watched that too, in a theatre filled with cheering 11 and 12-year-old girls. He said it was a good movie.

Mike used to like this really beautiful exchange student who worked at his college bookstore. Every day he'd see her and try to work up the nerve to ask her out. Finally one day he just up and did it. She said thanks, but that she was already involved with someone else. He replied, "I wish you luck in that endeavor." Then turned around and left.

Mike also recently went out on a date with a lawyer who set off a couple of days later, to climb Mt. Kilmanjaro. Mike's take: "She's climbing Mt. Kilmanjaro, and all I'm mounting is my handjaro."

Kwame watched Eurotrip at my house a few months ago. During the graduation party scene complete with kegs, naked women and a live band, Kwame turns to me and says "I need to be white in my next life." Speaking of Kwam, I hope he doesn't mind that I sent his picture in to this website blackpeopleloveus.com with the testimonial "Johnny says he's not racist, he would totally bang Halle Berry and Beyonce!"

Tony falls asleep every time he's at my house. Obviously we're all stimulating conversationalists. Abel says Tony does it everywhere, because he's like a computer. 20 minutes of inactivity and he goes into sleep mode.

Min and Cheryl would make great lesbians except for the fact that they prefer dick. Whenever they're drunk though, an awful lot of boob-grabbing goes on.

Ryan appended his friend's picture to one of "The Asian Prince" and submitted it to the Prince's site under his own name. Whoever runs that site posted it up. To this day, Ryan's friend still doesn't know. To find it, click the link, go to the "Fan Mail" section and view page one. The menu doesn't show up when I use Firefox though, only IE.

Paul is going skydiving again this spring and is determined to bring me along. That will take chloroform and an instructor willing to jump strapped to someone unconscious. If the plane still has both wings and at least one engine my ass is staying on it.

During that drunken night at the "gay, sports" bar last week, Ray got licked on the face. By a stranger.

I once slapped my friend Ben during a particularly heated debate on some ridiculous political topic. He slapped me right back. I thought it was so funny I started laughing and we were unable to finish our argument.

Audrey's ex once tried to scald her with a pot of lukewarm coffee. When that didn't work because he missed, he sicced two Yonkers chicks on her who then tried to Tae-Bo her to death.

My girl Nadia was once almost kidnapped by lesbians. We were at some dinky little bar in Garfield, New Jersey because I knew the owner and Nadia was only 19. She had a bit too much vodka and passed out on the table while I was bartending. Mike was worried about the potentially messy ride home, so he gave her up to some scary-looking lesbians who "helped" her in the bathroom. They were carrying her out of the bar when I intercepted them at the front door. They screamed "Back away barmaid" but I managed to wrestle Nadia away from them anyway. One of them looked like Rosie O'Donnell. Come to think of it...