Last Random Thoughts Post of 2005

The Last Random Thoughts Post of 2005

1. You know what would be a great superpower? The ability to relocate things with your mind. I think this every time some asshole goes speeding by or cuts us off. I spend a hot three seconds or so fervently wishing I had the ability to relocate his car to Idaho. One minute he'd be zipping down the New Jersey Turnpike and in the next minute, be at some rest stop outside of Boise. I figure this would allow for solid revenge, without too much bad karma.

2. Geo overheard the following conversation from two thuglife types on the sidewalk:

Guy 1: I almost got hit on route 440. I thought the guy was far but he was more close.
Guy 2: "More close?" You're a fucking inspiration.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: That's not proper English.

3. Someone found my site today by searching for "egg nog sperm." What an interesting way to celebrate the holidays. Right up there with "pumpkin pie piss" and "Easter egg vomit."

4. Apparently the state of New Jersey paid some guy $260,000 to think of a new state slogan, which they didn't use anyway. I'm glad that my tax dollars are being spent so well. It's not like there are potholes to fix on the parkway, or car thief rings in Newark and Jersey City to break up.

They could have paid me $26 dollars to think of a new slogan. Of course, then they'd get suggestions like:

"New Jersey: You Didn't Like Your Car Anyway."
"New Jersey: The Smell Fades After Awhile."
"New Jersey: We Don't Tax Clothing or Shoes."
"New Jersey: Our Prostitutes Will Kick Your Prostitutes' Asses."
"New Jersey: Culture? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Culture!"
"New Jersey: We Have Moorestown, the #1 City In America... Just Ignore the Other 99% of the State."
"New Jersey: The Ellis Island Landfill Is Ours. OURS Dammit, Ours!!"

5. What's fun about having small kids is watching them demand Cheerios and getting to hear their father say things like, "You people are not chiefs yet, you're still worker indians. Got that?" Also, the dried noodles in my front pocket are a bit amusing. Sometimes getting to the garbage can is not an easy enough option.

6. I am a fan of foods that seem gross and really kind of are, but in a good way. Well, almost good. We watched The Chronicles of Narnia and there's a part where the youngest brother Edmond meets the White Queen. During their interlude he manages to scarf down about forty Turkish Delights. Turkish Delights are this old delicacy made up of chewy fruit gel and nuts, covered in confectioner's sugar. So I'm hanging out at Target about a week after I see the movie and pass by a box of them. I KNOW they're disgusting, but scenes of the movie keep flashing through my mind. I mean Edmund sold his entire family out for a handful of them. Doesn't that mean they're good? Anyway against my better judgement I bought a box and they were disgusting but for some reason I am fiending more.

7. Speaking of movies, we also saw King Kong and it was quite an experience since I couldn't remember much of the original. I do remember that there weren't as many uncomfortable moments where the viewer feels bestiality is imminent. Seriously, I kept thinking Naomi Watts should invest in some sort of anagelisic lubricant. Like K-Y-Lidocaine.

8. Geo keeps chewing in his sleep. It sounds like he's eating peanut butter and saltwater taffy. It's not annoying but it's so noisy I keep laughing myself out of sleepiness. That part sucks.

9. I don't know if they are my favorites but here are some posts I liked from 2005:

All For A Nice Pair of Naboobs
Other Star Wars Episode 15 Moments
Take Me Out To The Ballgame
Holidays And The Metatron
The Fairer Sex
The Grandfather Post
Score
Press Quotes And The Penis Monologues
Dear Riss
Dear Riss: Part Two
Me Versus Philip Morris
The Blame Game
Finding Jesus
Football Odes
Stupid Institutions
100 Things About Geo
Black Friday Madness
Bad Songs I Am Publicly Admitting I Like

10. To all my friends who have had a difficult past year, suffering bad luck and painful losses, I hope that 2006 holds better things to come. For everyone who had a great year, I hope this coming year is just as awesome.

That's all for 2005 folks!!