Me Versus Philip Morris

Me Versus Philip Morris

At the conclusion of Week One of the Riss Versus Philip Morris No-Smoking Open, the approximate score is 16-0 for the home team. That is 16 times I have truly fiended for a smoke and 16 times I refused to give in to the urge, despite efforts to the contrary. And there have been efforts to the contrary. What most people don't know is that not only is Philip Morris a jillion-dollar conglomerate, they also have the celestial powers to cause all sorts of mayhem in the lives of people trying to rid themselves of the nicotine scourge.

You scoff, but I have evidence.

Evidence #1: I quit smoking and one of my extended relatives decides to pick an abysmally stupid fight. Of course, this particular cloud had a silver lining because after I told Mike J about it, he gave me the following words of inspiration: "See, that's like your golden cow. So every time you want to smoke just think of your golden cow and you won't smoke your golden cow. See????" No, I don't actually see but I get the gist.

Evidence #2: I quit smoking and the very next day, we get hit with a ridiculous bill resulting in a half-hour conversation with quite possibly the dumbest, bitchiest customer service person in the history of servicing customers. And I have to act calm and rational in the face of their inability to see their mistake, all without the benefit of a cigarette. Sigh.

Evidence #3: I quit smoking and that week my girls catch a virus that results in 4 days of diarrhea. Do you have any idea how many diapers that is?? You especially don't want to know what happens when TWO 2-year-olds with diaperfuls of toxic waste jump off the couch and lands on their butts.

Are you people convinced yet?

Evidence #4: After months of 7-dollar packs, the gas station down the street is having some sort of three packs for 10 dollars sale. I should hate them but they also sell those packs of all-Strawberry Mentos and those are like the Holy Grail of candy. This has nothing to do with anything but I just tried those Green Apple Mentos and they're pretty okay. They grow on you. In a good way, not like fungus grows on you.

Evidence #5: I ate 5 tacos a few nights ago. Okay, so that was my own gluttony, Philip Morris had nothing to do with that one. No wait!!!!!!! Philip Morris is owned by the Altria Group which in turn owns Kraft which makes the yummy Mexican shredded cheese I put on my tacos, thus causing me to eat more of them, so Philip Morris *is* responsible for my full stomach which in turn led to me wanting a cigarette so so very badly. Bastards!! They are everywhere!!!!!!!!

It's only by the grace of duct tape that we're all still doing dandy. And by "the grace of" duct tape, I mean by the grace of Geo duct taping me to the radiator when the Nicotine Withdrawal Monster rears its ugly head.

In all seriousness, I never quite realized how much of a crutch smoking was, how much it reduced the normal stress of everyday things. But it hasn't been as hard as I thought it was going to be, because I cut down to a few cigarettes a day before I actually quit. I haven't been THAT irritable and I haven't been getting the migraines I got the last few times I tried to quit. The last time Geo and I tried to quit we snapped at each other so much we decided to start smoking again before we killed each other. But that hasn't happened this time (yet) so the outlook seems bright. Either that or it's the calm before the storm. But don't worry about us, we have duct tape.

The real challenge lies ahead... I haven't yet gone out for a night of drinking. Smoking and drinking usually go hand in hand for me, even in NYC where smoking is banned indoors. I've gotten used to doing my $10 shot of SoCo and lime then ducking outside to chit-chat with various bouncers. It'll be worse if we drink in New Jersey, where smoking indoors is legal and prevalent in the bars we frequent. The way I see it, these are the possible outcomes:

1) I triumph. WOOT!
2) I give in. NotWOOT.
3) I punch someone.
4) I duct tape myself to the bar's radiator to avoid punching anyone.
5) I drink a whole lot, really fast, so the idea of smoking makes me physically ill. Then I go home and pass out while trying to make the genie come out and play. Then Geo goes and has a smoke.

We'll see what happens. I'm not worried, I have faith in... well no I don't. But I have duct tape!