Finding Jesus

Finding Jesus

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!
(Yes, my mom sometimes reads my foul little blog where I talk about blowjobs and men who bang chickens.)

Anyway, there's nothing like a natural disaster to spark religious fervor. It seems every place I go nowadays people are talking religion. And this morning, I was awakened at 8 a.m. by a couple of Jehova's Witnesses hellbent on helping me "find" Jesus. I'm a bit perturbed by their implications that I need to "find" Jesus. I mean first of all, with the GPS technology they have these days no one really has an excuse for being lost. Second of all, I already found him. At the Dunkin Donuts on Route 3. And had a nice long conversation, I might add. Even longer than the one I had with The Metatron.

Me: Hey... aren't you Jesus Christ?
Jesus: Why yes, I am.
Me: Dude you're much hotter in person. You make Bo Bice look like a scrub.
Jesus: Ummm... thanks.
Me: I'm Riss by the way.
Jesus: Yes, I've heard all about you.

*uncomfortable silence*

Me: So how's the pops?
Jesus: He's doing well.
Me: That's good.
Jesus: Well I'll be seeing you.
Me: No wait!!! I have a few questions for you.
Jesus: I'm in a hurry but go ahead.
Me: Crap. I'm blanking out. Okay here's one, does your dad really hate gay people?
Jesus: No, that's a myth.
Me: What about people who masturbate? This is um, hypothetical of course.
Jesus: No, that's a myth as well.
Me: Am I going to hell for eating meat?
Jesus: No, not for th-- No.
Me: How come P Diddy and Donald Trump haven't been hit by a couple of well-placed lightning bolts yet?
Jesus: I'm not supposed to answer questions like that. Look I really have to go.
Me: What's with the attitude? No offense or anything but you're being a tad cu-- bitchy.
Jesus: I am NOT being... bitchy.
Me: Yeah, you kinda are.
Jesus: No I'm not.
Me: Is it because I pretended to give communion using Funyuns that one time? Because that was just a joke. "Take this and eat it, all of you, this is a Funyun which will be given here so that sins may be forgiven."
Jesus: No it's not because of that, though I'm not pleased about that.
Me: Is it because of that time I yelled at the priest? Because he was being a real ass.
Jesus: No, though I'm not thrilled with that either.
Me: Is it because I don't go to church that often? It's just a really germy place. The last time they wiped those pews down, the walls of Jericho were still standing. You'd think there was a Papal ban on Lemon Pledge.
Jesus: There's nothing wrong.
Me: Is it because of that time Geo and I had sex in the church parking lot?
Jesus: That was you guys?
Me: Um... no.
Jesus: Do not lie to the Son of God.
Me: We didn't know it was a church!! It looked like a factory for God's um, your Dad's sake.
Jesus: Fine, we'll let that one slide since you are married.
Me: Then why are you being so cu-- bitchy?
Jesus: FOR THE LAST TIME I'M NOT BEING BITCHY!!!!
Me: Okay okay, keep your loincloth on. You only had to say it once.
Jesus: For the love of--
Me: Ooooh watch it now.
Jesus: Jesus H. Christ you're annoying!!!!!
Me: Don't take your name in vain.
Jesus: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...
Me: Well gotta go, places to see people to do. You know the drill.
Jesus: Whatever, bye.
Me: Don't let those crazy Darwinites get you down.
Jesus (sarcastically): I won't.
Me: And from a public relations perspective, you might want to do something about those pervy molester priests. They're giving everybody else a bad name.
Jesus: Okay.
Me: And it wouldn't kill you, well, kill you AGAIN, to smile you know. Otherwise people think you're being cu-- bitchy.
Jesus (under his breath): My yams have mites yo.
Me: You're my boy Jees!

Okay so his last sentence didn't make sense. I suppose I may have selective hearing and what he really said was "I am so gonna smite you." But I'll stick with the yams one.