August 4, 2005

Press Quotes, Smoking While Driving and The Penis Monologues

Press Quotes, Smoking While Driving and The Penis Monologues

1. So Mike J got interviewed for an article about what men find attractive in women. This was my favorite part of the article:

"I know lots of guys who are blinded by chests, and I find a chest enhancement to be totally ridiculous," says Mike, a volunteer fireman.

My e-mail to Mike: I'm not questioning the veracity of your comment, but was that how you actually phrased it?
Mike's e-mail to me: No, I said "Huge fake tits are a turn off, I like natural tits better."

Okay, that sounds a lot more accurate. I guess the reporter took the liberty of translating his statement for the politically correct. Mike was also kind of buzzed at that point, so he was throwing around phrases like "I'd bang that girl" and "I wonder if she has any Jewish in her, maybe she'd like some" like it was nobody's business. At least that's how I picture the interview happening.

2. I know some of you have been waiting for me to bitch about the propose ban on smoking while driving. Well fear not friends, here it is! The proposed ban is stupid. Ta-da! Why be wordy when that will suffice. I mean it would make sense if they were banning smoking in the car while your kids are in it. That would be a health issue. But I really can't see that drivers smoking in the car is any more cause for safety concern than drivers singing along really loud to "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights." In fact, one can argue that the latter is MORE cause for concern because that's just a really bad song. IN FACT, one can argue that allowing drivers to smoke increases safety on the road, by reducing road rage. No seriously. I've seen non-smokers stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. It's not pretty.

I wonder if people in the rest of the country just think we're insane here in Jersey. Our politicians are making a huge deal over smoking in cars, which causes less accidents than people fucking with the radio, eating or putting on their make-up, and our acting governor's wife sits at home and fantasizes about microwaving babies. What an interesting travel brochure we must have.

3. You know what's stupid? Random people who stop by your blog and make insulting comments, just for the purpose of promoting their own blog. Eventually they'll probably realize there's no point in doing it here, because all that happens is that I leave up the comment but go into Haloscan and delete the homepage link, just to be an ass.

4. Okay I found a new book to add to my wishlist, "Why Do Men Have Nipples: Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask A Doctor After Your Third Martini." Hopefully it will answer my question of how come it burns when I pee, on the stove. Just kidding, of course I don't uh, pee on the stove. Who wants to come over for dinner.

5. Hmmm, so it was inevitable that one day "The Penis Monologues" would be born. I wonder what that dialogue of the play is like. Maybe there are different types of penis characters. Like the OCD Penis:

"I don't want to go in there, it smells like dead fish!!"
"What are those bumps over there? No!! Don't put me in yet, what are those bumps over there??"
"Are you sure this has nonoxynol 9?"
"Let's go in the hole we usually go in, this one's dirty."

Or the Insecure Penis:

"Are you sure we can do this? We've had a lot of drinks."
"Does this condom make me look small? Look at me from the side."
"I heard her ex-boyfriend makes Tommy Lee look like he's been swimming."
"What if what happened last time happens again? Think about baseball. Think about baseball. Think about baseball with ugly men in the snow."

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